Are Insects Okay?: A Review On The Bizarre Mating Habits Of Insects.
This article contains graphic descriptions of insects and pictures thereof. If you have an aversion to insects, please take caution.
Insects are the most successful group of organisms in existence. They are also incredibly useful to their respective ecosystems, particularly as pollinators, bio-indicators as well as biological controls of some invasive plant species. The insect’s success can be partly contributed to their mating behaviors, some of which are incredibly bizarre. I know we have all heard of the praying mantis and her rather unique choice of post-coital meal, but it gets worse. So bad it can make you ask the question: are insects okay?
We start off with the bed bugs. These are small bugs and are completely wingless. Though harmless to humans (save for a few irritating bites), the female bed bug might have a completely different experience. These insects mate in a process known as ‘traumatic insemination’. This is when the male bed bug essentially pierces the female’s abdomen with his sword-like genitalia and transfers the sperm through the wound. It objectively, somehow, gets even worse when you realize the female doesn’t benefit in any way from this mode of reproduction. Sometimes, male bed bugs will mistake other males for females and attempt, and often succeed, at stabbing them through the abdomen with their genitalia. I mean, it’s one thing to get impaled for a purpose, it’s another to get skewered and possibly die because you looked particularly good that morning. Either way, this one is up there in the list of What the Heck: Insect Edition. This is a legitimate list I am currently compiling by the way, and I have a feeling it isn’t coming to an end anytime soon.
We all love honeybees. Fuzzy, helpful, and with a great color scheme, they’re just all-round pleasant. Maybe not as pleasant since they made it onto this article. Time to ruin bees for you. When a virgin queen emerges, she embarks on a mating flight. This is when as many males as possible mount her several times and she saves up all their semen. She will use this semen to fertilize and lay eggs for the rest of her life. So, what is the problem, besides giving birth until she dies? The problem lies not with the female this time, but with the male. One must love nature for her unbiased cruelty. The male bee has spiky genitals, and these barbs make it difficult to pull the penis out. In the process of trying to pull out, the barbed genitals, and his whole abdominal cavity, including his organs are ripped out of his body, and he dies. I guess they’re not having a honeymoon then.
Next up, we have the water striders. Aptly nicknamed ‘the Jesus bug’, these insects are often seen darting across water surfaces with their long legs. Before mating, the male holds the female under his body and starts drumming the underside of his abdomen on the water surface. It might not look like much from afar, but this drumming creates vibrations that predators use as indicators of prey being nearby. So, she must choose if she will have babies with this dude or become someone else’s snack. If she agrees, he stops the action immediately. The greatest of ironies. I think people nicknaming animals should research their biology a little bit before giving a hefty title such as ‘the Jesus bug’ to the likes of the water strider. Uhm, hello, Police?
Fourth on our creepy list is the Strepsitera, aka, the stylopids. Stylopids are tiny parasites that live inside other insects, so that’s like, really tiny. The males look like tiny black flies. Unlike flies, however, the fore-wings have been reduced to club-like structures, instead of the hindwings. Females don’t have wings, antennae, or even legs. They don’t need them because they never leave the host. So how do they mate? The female has a fused head and thorax (cephalothorax). Well, it's not completely fused as there is a slit between the two body segments, called the brooding canal, that allows the male to inseminate her. The larvae move freely within her blood and body cavity (collectively called the haemocoel) and they essentially consume her from the inside. When she’s all used up, they are mature enough to leave the host and seek out new hosts. The females take permanent residency in the host, and the brutal cycle begins all over again. Not to diminish the parenting of other life forms, but these stylopids sure do set a high standard.
The last freaky insect for this article is the earwig, well, five out of the eight families in the suborder Forficulina specifically. The males have two penises. Sometimes, males have a preference as to which penis they want to use. It’s usually the right one though. This led scientists to wonder if the left one is even functional, they found out it was. Even if it was facing the wrong way for copulation, the little dudes make it work. Turns out, if you disturb a pair of earwigs doing it, usually, the penis in use will snap off. It becomes even more mortifying when you realize the penis is about as long as the entire body. And that it may block the female's reproductive canal. He scuttles away and her re-mating is effectively slowed down. The most efficient of cock-blocks if you ask me.
And of course, there are several other weird and wacky ways insects make babies. Some insects’ only purpose in the adult life is to make babies, so much so that they live for a few days and cannot eat, drink or sleep. Others like the vinegar flies crank out one visible sperm cell that is several times longer than the fly itself, but why though? I could write a whole book on this stuff, but I’m only allowed to keep you here for around eight minutes, and writing a book seems like a lot of pressure right now. Some of you might close this article a little disturbed or a little intrigued, and I hope it was the latter because kink-shaming insects was a lot of fun. Whichever one it was, it’s safe to say that insects will probably outlive us humans, and drumming up some interest regarding these little guys is the least I can do when compared with what they do for us.
