Expectations Derailed Me (Poem)

I went to Chicago,
because that’s how
my interpretation of success
had always been defined,

spent the next 10 months confined
with rats and roaches,
and almost lost my mind

when I finally escaped.
I was back in the same old
room at my parents’,
feeling worthless,
unaligned,
staring at the ceiling asking, “God, why am I alive?”

No matter how hard I tried,
I couldn’t force myself to find
fulfillment from my
“real world”
job. I guess I never felt arrived,

driving around at night just to feel
alive,
but the feeling never came
so I collapsed in the front seat
feeling defeated until
the tears came rushing from my eyes
and the frustration festering inside
my chest
left me heaving and
gasping for anything resembling a breath.

“You can only cry until your tears run dry”,
so I left it all behind
and flew to Oregon to find myself amongst the pines.
Then I drove to California to
remind myself
the only control in this life I have is mine,

and I’m not really sure if what I came back with is “clarity”
or if I finally lost my mind,
but I’m left with this compulsion
to write almost all the time
and if I die tomorrow,

at least I finally lived my life.