How I deal with an emotional turbulence while living away from the loved ones
May 5th was my grandmother’s eighty-eighth birthday.
Turning 88 years old is quite a thing. So, in Japan, this occasion has a special name “Beiju (米寿)”, which is symbolized by an image of rice harvest and the golden colour. Family gatherings are held to reunite and celebrate the longevity of darling grandma or grandpa.
But, at this time of the pandemic, we did not get to celebrate as we planned.
As my parents and sister live in urban areas, they decided not to visit her this time as it requires travels on different kinds of transportations. So they avoided to put grandma and themselves in the chaos. Needless to say, I, living in Germany, did not risk to fly back to do the same.
My grandma has mild dementia and poor hearing, so stuff like video chat would not really help to talk with her. Instead, I texted my aunt and cousins who live next to her. They sent me a photo of grandma holding flowers that she was given as a gift. Her face was crumpled as if crying.
“Oh, she seems to be pleased!” I commented. But at the same time, I was slightly shocked by how much she got skinner than the last time I saw her last year.
My mind generated an unpleasant question — will I ever see her alive again? I tried to erase it but I could not help it.
In this crazy time, in which some sketchy debates on border controls, mandatory vaccinations, or even “immunity certification” are going on, my paranoiac thought got far to doubt if I can flay back to my home country again. (Of course, I would not let my right deprived by anything!)
Can you relate yourself to this story? Perhaps you had something harder, or maybe not. If you live away from home, you might have experienced a kind of heartache by not being able to be with your loved ones when you want to reach out to them. You feel deeply concerned if you heard they were having some health problems. You may fear losing them all of sudden while you are away. Just thinking about the possibilities that they are getting into any trouble casts a shadow on our hearts.
So, I want to talk about such emotional turbulence we may go through on some occasions in our lives, especially during this time, and possibly more often in the near future.
In the age of uncertainty and fears, how can we free ourselves from these pains?
One thing I could figure out was that it has something to do with fear of “regret”.
We don’t want to regret the last moments of our lives, and we don’t want those around us to regret them either.
We hate to think like “Oh, we could have spent more time together.” or “I should have told/done this to you…” . Especially if you live apart, this fear of regret can be escalated because you think you have fewer chances to fulfill your affection for someone. But, affection is limitless.
In other words, you would never feel that you have nothing left to do in the time with your loved ones unless you switch your mind from “attachment” to “letting go”.
In my experience, I found that regret comes from the perception of “not having done the best yet.”
When I was younger, I used to oppose my mom traveling abroad very often, because I was worried. I was afraid of losing her by some accident along the trip, mainly on an airplane. I noticed what was aching the most was to think about what she would feel in her last moment. Would she feel lonely? Would she feel sorry to leave us behind, and not taking care of her lovable cats anymore?
Later on, I found it so funny, because I actually have nothing to to do with what a person (my mom in this case) would feel about her life. The thing I was fearing was what I don’t want her to feel.
So, I realized that it is my perception that has to change.
And I came to have this mantra;
You(and I) live the best in each moment, so I will celebrate every single choice we make. No regrets.
This confirms me there is nothing we miss whenever our lives came to the end. Let your loved ones know that you and they are all doing the best, nothing is missing, and no regrets. And let us continue to make these words to be true all the time.
And, let’s look at the bright side. Living apart from them allows both of you to have more mental space. Not sharing day-to-day hustles can make our communication more pure and honest. You don’t feel too shy to express your gratitude towards them through the distance.
Oh, what a funny creature are we!
Thanks for reading!
