‘After Two’ And Unapologetic: Love, Confidence, and Motherhood
Here is the nourishing confidence to live life on your terms.
As an African woman, you are made in life when you are married with children. Nothing else is more important.
You can be the first female neurosurgeon in your community but if you are unmarried, separated from your husband, or divorced, well… the consensus will be that there is something abnormal about you:
Maybe you are not well-mannered? Maybe you are wayward? Too stubborn? Even being too learned has been included in the negative column for women.
It just isn’t proper that a woman is unmarried but,
An unmarried woman with a child? Well, she cannot claim that she is not immoral and irresponsible. C’mon, the proof is right there in your child!
With the birth of my second daughter, I joined what is known as The “After Two Club”, here in Nigeria.
Now, before you congratulate me, you must know that the ‘After Two’ group consists mainly of single mothers with two children. If being unmarried is somewhat a crime against (patriarchal) humanity, being single and having a child, a crime against the values of society, imagine the horrors of being single with two children.
The After Two Club.
The idea for the group nametag is that:
- Not many men will care for or even date a woman with 2 children
- Single mothers with two children are usually desperate because no sensible or genuine man will go for them.
Wonderfully, the two criteria listed above against women, have everything to do with how men will feel about the choices women make for themselves.
After the birth of my second daughter, a friend called me and congratulated me on my membership in the After Two Club. Then my friend asked if I was anxious about the fact that I could be headed toward a loveless future for the rest of my life.
She got more than she came for when I took the time to remind her that on the one hand, she was projecting her fears on me, and on the other hand, she was spewing the misogynistic bullshit of irresponsible people, on herself and other women.
For me, I told her, if I were in the After Two Club then I would be a proud honorary member. I mean, how else do I explain this exciting time of my life, short of screaming it from the rooftops?
For years, my life was ruled by fears, rules, seeking permission, abuse, and great uncertainty about my life and the future. When I had my first daughter, I was riddled with all of this. In my worries, I missed some moments. Hiding from the world, I did not capture in videos, audio, or pictures, the moments that my daughter would have loved to go through as an adult. I hid from the world. And in a way, I might have cost my daughter something we can never get back. Hell, my siblings have more videos and photos of my child than I do.
With the birth of my second daughter, I feel like I have arrived at some type of destination. I feel more confident in myself. I feel more joyful. I feel more in control of my life. I feel more grounded.
What is this After Two Club insult then?
Fire away!
The club, in a way, has made me.
If you are living life scared of someone else loving you, I think that is the wrong mindset. (And you should read this):
After years of living in abuse, I bet I can tell you a thing or two about loving yourself first and unapologetically choosing to live for yourself FIRST.
So if you are in the After Two Club and ‘they’ ask you:
So you don’t want to get married again?
Tell them:
Been there. Done that. You mean I can be a brat, do whatever I want, and don’t have to hear anyone’s feelings about it?
Yeah, cry me a river.
Again,
If you don’t want to date anymore and ‘they’ keep disturbing you to throw yourself into the dating world — use those ‘Two’ children in your club as your excuse.
And,
If ‘they’ tell you that it looks ‘irresponsible’ for a woman to be single, have children, and have no steady partner, remember this —
As a woman in this patriarchal world, being written off is best:
If you have been written off, this is the encouragement you need to live your best life on your own terms. So go live it.
Someday I know I will be open to dating again. I am neither excited nor motivated about loving any man or woman in my future and this is not a copout because I am trying to shield myself from hurt.
This is about my growth as a person. I love how far I have come since my freedom. I love the earnest work I have put into building up my confidence as a person. I love not explaining myself to anyone. I love that I never again will live a life where anyone’s validation of me will matter to me.
So right now, I am loving this phase of my life. I am a person. I am human. I am a mother. I am a mother of two and taking care of us three is all I want right now.
And in the future when I feel like putting myself out there again and a man is too dignified to love this mother of two? Oh boy, do I not care!
Read this piece about Singlehood.
Thank you for reading. Are you in the After Two Club?
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