‘I Thought you Were Going to be a B*tch’
Four catty comments women have made to me (and what their words actually reveal about them).
Sad fact: Women often level b*tchy comments, backhanded compliments and blasé digs at other women. I’m sure I’ve done it myself and you probably have too.
Maybe they deserved it.
But what if we turn the tables and assess what some of these mean girl mantras say about the women whose mouths they spew from?
Here are four comments women have made to me and what they actually reveal about them.
1. ‘I thought you were going to be a b*tch.’
I was in my late teens, working in a pub where many old and/or decrepit men came to wile away the hours. Sometimes their wives or girlfriends were allowed to come too.
To put it in context, it was the type of pub where a man would never let his ‘woman’ go to the bar to order a drink on her own, and heaven forbid these women ever made eye contact with another man.
So there I was a young and attractive woman (a girl, really), serving men at the bar while their partners sat obediently at the table. I was friendly enough to laugh along to their banter.
Sometimes, they’d buy me a drink. Other times they’d ogle my body or make inappropriate comments about my appearance. This was all in a day's work for me and I grew a thick skin.
The comment in question came from one of the obedient girlfriends I’d begun chatting to regularly. I felt sad for her because she was in an abusive relationship but couldn’t see her own worth enough to leave.
After chatting for weeks and us getting to know each other a little, that’s when she said ‘I thought you were going to be a b*tch.’ It didn’t surprise me at all, given the circumstances.
She said it because she’d judged me on how I looked and the fact I got attention from the male clientele. She’d assumed I welcomed their advances and couldn’t for the life of her comprehend the fact I dressed nicely for myself and not the male gaze.
That’s why she thought I was going to be a b*tch: She was unhappy in her relationship, had been belittled and disrespected by her partner, and needed someone to blame.
Pointing the finger at me was easier than confronting the truth that her partner was an ars*hole. It was her insecurity talking because she saw me as a threat instead of an ally.
2. ‘Are you going to the bathroom to throw up?’
This comment was often made by a ‘friend’ when we were in our 20s. She would ‘jokingly’ say it to me in front of others at the table when I went to use the bathroom following a meal.
At the time, I had a slim UK size 8 figure and was the most petite of our friendship group. Everyone else was also more outgoing than me, even though I wasn’t a shrinking violet either.
It seems I was an easy target.
Yes, I’d suffered with an eating disorder in my early teens, but that was well behind me by then. I’d battled anorexia not bulimia anyway, so purging had never been an issue for me.
My slender figure was, therefore, a result of exercise, healthy eating and good genes (my dad is naturally slim and I inherited his fast metabolism).
I would laugh it off, hoping nobody actually believed her. I also began to wait longer between finishing my meal and using the bathroom so as not to raise suspicion.
So what does this comment reveal about my ‘friend’? She was jealous, of course, but not in the body envy way you may expect.
She was deeply insecure about her appearance but wasn’t proactive about changing anything. That’s why she needed to point the finger at me. It justified her curvier frame by making everyone believe my slimmer one wasn’t attainable by maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
If I was slim, it couldn’t possibly be because I’d worked hard for it. She had to make believe I was purging to maintain my weight, otherwise, it made her appear lazy and unmotivated.
It was easier for her to invent issues for me than to acknowledge her problems. If our friends thought I was purging, it detracted from her own body struggles.
3. ‘You always look nice, even if it’s obvious you don’t spend much on your clothes.’
Ah, yes, the backhanded compliment. These words came from a woman I barely knew but who was in my ex-boyfriend’s friendship group. My ex thought it was a nice gesture, but I knew the claws were out as a woman.
At the time, I bought the bulk of my wardrobe from charity shops and vintage sales (before it became a trend) and the outlet clothing store where I worked because I got a 50% discount.
Meanwhile, miss fancy pants only visited my shop if we had designer labels in stock. She wasn’t interested in the cheap, unbranded clothing we specialised in. I’d hide garments I wanted when she came in because I had to wait until payday to afford it them, whereas she’d grab everything without a second thought other customers (and me).
This woman was both a clothing snob AND a downright b*tch. There must have been jealousy on my part, too, because she could buy whatever she wanted and I couldn’t. Her preoccupation with designer gear was a way of ‘outing-do’ me, and she knew it.
Yet why was she being so competitive? Here’s the kicker: She fancied my ex, that’s why. Not because he was an amazing guy, he definitely wasn’t that, but because he was charming and loved the idea of women fawning over him. He was also, interestingly, a clothing snob himself.
He’d criticize me for shopping in the discount section of clothes stores and would refuse to step inside a charity shop for fear of being seen by anyone he knew (I told you he wasn’t an amazing guy).
He was also slimy and would flirt with anything that breathed, including ‘fancy pants’. So, in this way, he pitted her against me and she retaliated in the only way she could: by bashing my clothing choices.
Jealousy is a b*tch and so was she, but she was also manipulated into being in competition with me by a guy who loved the attention. It was a classic case of a woman trying to bring down another woman because of a man.
In the past, I’ve probably done the same to other women. Some men just bring that nasty side out of women, when what we should be doing is ditching the guy, designer tags and all.
4. ‘You’ve got a partner, so it’s easier for you to complete a PhD.’
Ok, Boomer.
I find this comment the most frustrating of them all, mainly because it’s not due to jealousy. Such comments are a product of dated gender stereotypes, which I think is worse.
They’re worse because these attitudes are so embedded in society. In contrast, b*tchy comments are more ‘in-the-moment,’ even if they clearly stay with us (hence, this article).
I was explaining to a much older colleague how it’s difficult juggling a job and a PhD, when she turned around and diminished my struggle by assuming my boyfriend was my saviour.
My PhD couldn’t possibly be challenging because I had a partner, right? Wrong. I’m not sure how she thought my partner was making my work/life easier in any profound sense.
I was clearly in need of cash, hence working a part-time job, and it’s not as though he could do any heavy lifting when it came to my research or analysis. So, what was her point?
Maybe she thought having a partner meant I was taken care of emotionally. Fine, I can get on board with that. It wasn’t true in my case (he became my ex-boyfriend soon after this), but the idea still stands.
What irritated me was her assumption that having a man in my life somehow made it easier for me to complete a personal goal that had nothing to do with him.
She seems to have been applying the logic that paying the bills, raising a child, completing housework, etc is usually easier with a partner, without considering that this isn’t the case for every life circumstance.
A couple may buy a house together, but they generally don’t divvy up personal achievements. Sure, your partner may share in your success, but the success is still your own because you worked damned hard for it.
My partner at the time couldn’t have told you what my PhD was even about, let alone helped me with it. And even though I now understand how much having a supportive partner makes the process less torturous, it didn’t make the actual PhD any easier. So, Boomer, STFU.
Bonus B*tchiness:
- ‘It’s your fault [insert name of ex-boyfriend] was depressed. You made him unhappy.’
- ‘Everyone thinks you’re a psycho.’
- ‘Some of my friends called you a dog, but I think you’re pretty.’
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/rlmace1986
Rachel Palmąka Mace is a literary fiction and creative non-fiction writer, artist, spoken word performer, lapsed academic, and feminist. She is the editor of the feminist-led magazine Subtle Sledgehammer and her new project ‘Around the World with 80 Women’ (AW80W) – which shares the narratives of women from Somalia to Scotland – will be published in the Autumn of 2023.
