Polite: Raising A Generation Of Women Complicit In Their Own Abuse
Are there modern solutions for archaic systemic problems?
He will be passing by me and take up a lot of space. Then my boobs will graze his chest. I will be pissed off but his face will have this stupid smirk on it like he knows what he did. Then he will ask me: ‘How are you?’
When there is no space for him to squish me and my breasts, he will touch my shoulders in a way that…I can’t quite describe but, he sort of caresses it.
I will look up and there will be that same stupid smirk on his stupid face. I endured it for a while because his fiancé was a fellow teacher in the school and she was my friend.
I did not want to raise hell over something that meant nothing. It continued like that until one day, I had enough. I screamed at him to never ever touch me again.
He acted so innocent: Oh, I am sorry. I did not know I made you uncomfortable. I was only being friendly.
And with that stupid smirk again!
I vented to another teacher. She said he does the same thing to her! That teacher even said it was common knowledge that the man does that to all women.
When I asked why no one warned me as the new teacher, she laughed and said, we don’t want to cause drama.
I decided then to talk to his fiancé — my friend. I told her what her soon-to-be husband was doing. She laughed and said, he does it all the time. She was used to it.
In fact, this woman made it all about her. She thought I was trying to empathize with her that her fiancé was a pervert. I wasn’t. I was trying to give her a heads-up before raising hell with the school authorities.
According to this woman: he used to do it to women all the time where they worked before and where they first met. To her, it was about knowing that he would never leave her. He was hers and she knew that no matter how far his body parts wandered, he would always return to her….
It was as though she never heard anything I said about the discomfort and irritation her fiancé was causing me and the women he interacted with. She wants the pervert, but it eluded her that other women do not want him.
Polite.
A healthy discourse from an online forum, led to my friend sharing her story (above) with me.
And the discourse:
The woman from the online forum in my country described how after 5 years and getting engaged, she had found her fiancé in bed with another man. The woman felt deceived, used, and betrayed — all the emotions. Get this though, she felt like she couldn’t tell anyone because:
How will she talk about it? People will find a way to blame HER.
That isn’t just the Nigerian way of handling a man. We protect the dignity of the man, the dignity of our family, the dignity of the village, the dignity of society. For the woman, what dignity? That’s just pride.
While my friend and I debated this woman’s situation in the forum, I started talking about how African women are trained to be so polite that it is a battle getting most of us to advocate for ourselves.
Polite.
I mean, how can a word that is so positive be used to portray such negativity?
I will tell you why — there is no African woman who at some point in her life, will not be chained by the training of family and society to be polite to the point of great disadvantage to herself.
Examples include:
Daughters who are raped by their uncles and the family keeps it a secret to protect — her dignity.
Daughters who are groomed and abused by spiritual leaders and the family keep it a secret to protect — her dignity.
Women passed over for promotions without explanations and yet don’t make a fuss because — that would just be impolite.
Women living with domestic abuse will not say a word because it will be disrespectful — to her marriage.
Heck, a good older relative of mine was telling me how he was called in to reconcile a family where a mother had been carrying on an affair with her daughter’s husband.
I asked him how he resolved it and he was so excited to share how much he did for them:
I asked the daughter if she would really want anyone to hear about this story outside her home. She said no. That it would be too shameful, then he told her to keep it that way. To forgive her husband and mother. To protect her marriage and make sure no one outside of them ever hears this.
This man was happy to report that he had reconciled the family.
In every case where women are tasked with being polite, it is often to preserve the dignity of their abuser.
Polite for the African woman has become synonymous with maintaining the status quo — the status quo being a society where she might be forgiven if she squeaks for help in a manner acceptable to everyone else but herself, rather than a society where she croaks and draws attention to the depths of depravity she is put through.
In foreign forums, I hear people say all the time:
Have you sat down with your husband/boyfriend, and had an open, adult, and honest communication as to why you feel this way?
It always makes me chuckle.
The African man is always right. The woman is always wrong. And if in doubt, in arguments, the man reminds her by screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing things, hitting her, or throwing out her things.
She can go be smart and feminist elsewhere.
Except there are children involved and the woman has both the money and the means, she can lose all access to her children at the whims of the man — even if he is hundred percent in the wrong.
From her parents to her spiritual leaders, she is reminded that the best way forward for her is:
Peace. Go and beg him for forgiveness. Be humble. Don’t talk back.
In Africa, ‘Polite’ is not the way forward for the woman. Polite is the way that continues repeated cycles of abuse and much disrespect. Politeness commits a woman to silence and secrecy.
But, is this a chant for African women to become disrespectful, and if not, what is the way forward?
To answer the above, first answer this — Is it insane to think that there is something wrong in a system where at school, boys and girls are taught and scored on their merits, but, get one of those boys and one of those girls, declare them husband and wife and immediately, the woman is less than the man?
Again, to answer the question, answer this — Is it insane to think that there is something wrong in a system where in the workplace, a woman’s qualification means less than that of a man even if she has more qualifications?
I once taught at a senior secondary school and one day, I found out that I was being paid less than my male colleagues. The school knew I was on my way to completing my Masters. Not one male colleague had started theirs. I asked the women and found out they knew — and were okay with it. I wasn’t.
I went to the school proprietor and he told me:
What do women need all this money for? You have boyfriends. They can help you. These men have girlfriends who depend on them. Is it sweet or chewing gum you want to buy?
I think he expected me to laugh too because he was bowled over by his wisdom.
Every time I tell this story, I remind people that this was in a school of learning, not in a sweatshop, and not that that would have made it forgivable.
Again, is this a chant for African women to become disrespectful, and if not, what is the way forward?
Finally, answer this — Is it insane to think that there is something wrong in a system where a woman advocating for herself is immediately termed a troublemaker? A prostitute? Mannerless? Feminist?
Tasking me with immediate solutions to the questions raised in this discourse will be unfair when the system that maintains the problems remains robust and unbudging.
What I advocate is for continued education for all. Women must be educated on their finances and humanity — a financially dependent woman in Africa is a woman sitting over hot coals. In time, you will feel that burn. So (financial) education is of utmost importance.
I advocate for continued education that ensures the African woman knows innately that she is not less than because she has a vagina and wears dresses. She is as human as the one who pees standing up.
I advocate for continued education that teaches society that a woman’s voice matters and that her place in it is equally non-negotiable.
Maybe we should shift our aim from changing the system to educating the people so they can in turn, upturn the system.
Thank you for reading. I am excited to read your thoughts on the topic!
