Yes, Not Taking His Surname Is A Dealbreaker
The molehill is a mountain
Recently on X, the argument was raging, “Is not taking his surname a dealbreaker?”
I tuned in to a community to listen, and a woman was speaking:
“First of all, this topic is for women. I do not know why men are involved with this topic.”
I was like, yeah. She’s right.
Then the woman continued:
“Women are making a big deal out of this. If you do not want to take his surname, then don’t get married”.
What?
She got applause!
But, excuse me, what concerns taking a man’s surname with marriage? When did a woman giving up her maiden name become a prerequisite for marriage? If a marriage cannot hold because a woman chooses to keep her surname, aren’t there bigger issues with that union?
I never wanted to bear anyone’s surname but my father’s and it wasn’t even about my father. I believe a person’s name is important because it is their identity.
A person’s identity is a culmination of all they have achieved in life at every point— the exams they passed, the skills they acquired, the certifications, all the stress they overcame.
Their identity also carries all the failures, sleepless nights, and sleepless nights. A person’s name — a woman’s name, is not to be negotiated because she is getting married. Is a woman to be stripped of her past and who she is so she becomes…someone else, to be marriageable?
If Africans argue that a woman must give up her name because it is a dealbreaker for marriage, why isn’t it a dealbreaker in China? Saudi Arabia? Or for Scandinavian women? And some other countries?
As I listened to the same woman talking about surnames, she asked women, “Are you the president’s daughter that you will not take his surname?”
Ladies and gentlemen, why is my surname such a big deal that my partner, will be destroyed by me not changing it to his? If there is no single physical danger that will befall my husband because I do not take his surname, this means the danger is…psychological? Emotional? It is about his ego.
Are we going into marriage as partners or are we going into marriage because even before the “I do’s”, we have mentally pushed down…our partner?
In most societies, surnames are patrilineal. In many homes in Africa, the fathers name the children. The women may suggest but the man has the upper hand. In many homes, the paternal parents may even name a woman’s children for her. In my Igbo culture, to identify a child you ask,
Nwa onye?/ Whose child?
Often, the child is identified as the son or daughter of their father. In the same culture, a grown woman identifies herself as the wife of a certain man or as her father’s child.
The society is already swayed in this manner. Why is it a big deal if a woman chooses that if nothing else, she wants to keep her name one way? Either way, it is a man’s. Why does a woman’s husband’s surname trump her father’s?
I heard some speakers talk about women showing their loyalty by taking their husband’s surnames.
My question is, what loyalty? What does loyalty have to do with it?
The dictionary defines loyalty as a faithfulness that is steadfast in the face of any temptation to renounce, desert, or betray. Which part of this definition does a woman renounce, desert, or betray (if she never had it) to begin with?
If a woman keeping her surname is the ultimate, “I am not loyal” in her marriage, again, that union should not be. The issues of marriage and life in general, are too plentiful, for the pettiness of — she did not choose his surname. If this is a man’s biggest issue with his partner, he has a good one by his side.
This is where some men will argue that having one surname shows oneness in the family. Yeah, one surname.
Question: Why can the one surname not be the woman’s? And if a man wants a unified family name why do they not seek one that combines both surnames to create something customized for them? Why is the default surname the man’s?
Some people will make a Biblical argument that the husband and wife are one but is it not that the man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife? So the man is the one who should do the leaving, by that argument?
Ladies and gentlemen readers, the argument is: is not taking his surname a dealbreaker? My answer is YES — if he decides to make it a dealbreaker.
Women give up so much — their culture, religion, traditions, jobs, promotions, career advancement, shrink themselves, hide themselves, lose themselves, get thinner, get smarter or dumber, and so much more, all through their lifetime.
A woman choosing to keep her surname in a marriage, should not be up for debate. This should be her default. This is her right.
