I Spent Three Years With a Narcissist
And took me about ten years to realize it
I will be very honest here: it took me years after the relationship ended to understand what I’m about to tell you. I did not realize I was dealing with a narcissist at the time. Finally, after years of distance, going to therapy, doing lots of research, and working on my well-being, I could see those years of my life more clearly. It’s crazy because now I can see that the signs were right there, on my face, and I did not see them. Or worse, I saw them and thought I could change them.
It turns out that there are many types of narcissistic personalities, not only the textbook ones that we can identify easily: those grandiose, extroverted, self-centered, and confident people who always become the center of attention. My ex-boyfriend was nothing like that. No one would associate him with that term.
However, while researching the different types of narcissistic personalities, I came across a specific type called neglectful narcissism. This is someone who would only notice or care about you when they get something out of it—someone who sees others as conveniences.
Reading articles and watching videos about neglectful narcissism was like seeing the most accurate description of my ex-boyfriend right in front of me. They may as well have his name in the titles. It was shocking and enlightening.
He met the criteria perfectly:
1. It was very hard for him to do anything he was not particularly interested in.
He always picked the movies, the restaurants, and the music. He responded with contempt for my interests and preferences if he did not, to the point where it was just easier to do what he wanted. So I watched the shows and movies I liked when he was not around. He wasn’t really interested in knowing me.
I’ll give you one example of this behavior: I wanted to go for a beer one night, and he did not. So he said that doing that on a Friday night, like everyone else, was only for superficial people. But it was ok the many other times that he had suggested it.
2. He did things for me only when he needed something. Otherwise, he had no interest in my well-being or what was happening in my life.
One time he tried to convince me to stay with him for a week instead of going to the beach with my family. He planned a beautiful dinner to ask me -which was strange in him. When I asked what I would say to my mother, who had already planned the trip, he said I should tell her I wanted to stay with him, taking care of him, because I loved him.
I realized then that he had finals that week and wanted me to make it easier for him. He didn’t want to spend time with me at all; on the contrary, he would be very busy every day of the week.
So, he basically wanted an assistant he could have sex with at the end of the day.
In contrast, I rarely saw him when I was in the hospital for two weeks and incapacitated at home for almost three months. Here I must say that he lived five blocks from the hospital.
3. Making me feel like I was not enough was a systematic power strategy.
Sometimes he did it with subtle comments like “my sister can teach you how to do your make-up better.” Or, “having a very beautiful girlfriend must be exhausting because everyone would hit on her.” Other times he was straightforward, without any regard for my feelings. For example, he used to describe the ideal girl to me. One that he could marry. She had nothing in common with me. In many ways, she was the opposite. He also used to tell me which parts of my body I should “fix”: my arms were too fat, my nose was too big, and my ass was too flat.
4. The hardest one to accept: neglectful narcissists tend to attract partners who don’t know their own value.
People who fall for them tend to be insecure and may not believe they deserve more attention; they think they are not good enough and feel the need to win their partners over.
At that time in my life, I was just like that. I was the perfect target for someone who fed his ego with my insecurities and traumas. Someone who got validation from my pain.
It took me so long to learn to accept and love myself. I’m still on it. But I have learned enough never to fall into a relationship like that again.
