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How to Accidentally Break Up a Family

Abbey Wade
Black Bear
Published in
14 min readDec 13, 2023
1983 | personal archives

I never knew you could eat just one Oreo. I thought that once you opened the pack, you had to commit to the whole thing. I didn’t know yet about throwing up; she taught me about that at Dan’l Boone Inn when I was in the 10th grade. But my first lesson in food was to secretly observe the in-house behavior surrounding milk’s favorite cookie.

Waxing gibbous bellies on the couch. Audible Shame.

I took my notes.

I wasn’t allowed that kind of food unless it was a holiday. Then I was encouraged to eat all of it.

We do not waste food.

I got a lot of attention on holidays and that made me feel special.

Holidays were confusing.

The final phase of each food lesson was to run with him the next day after work.

The running is how we both processed his shame.

Stadium steps at the college, sprint drills, laps, runs downtown, runs through campus, runs past my friends playing capture the flag.

I spent so much of my adolescence running something off; mine or theirs.

Because the job assigned to me at birth was to play both their Problem and their Solution.

…I’m always wrong.

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Black Bear
Black Bear

Published in Black Bear

At Black Bear, we share informative articles and personal stories about struggling with mental health and substance use disorders.

Abbey Wade
Abbey Wade

Written by Abbey Wade

Survivor of indoctrinated eating disorders, narcissist DNA & familial sexual abuse. I love mushrooms and hate mayonnaise. Team Cilantro.

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