BLACK BEAR
It Took a Long Time to Undo the Fear That Held Me Back
I was defined by anxiety, even if others didn’t see it
You can skip class today. Just this once. I told myself.
Relief flooded my belly. My weekly barre classes weren’t just a workout for my body but also my mind. I’ve never enjoyed intense exercise and, even though the class was after work, the inner protests started the moment I woke up. By noon, I was in a state, struggling to focus.
That’s when I whipped out my time-tested strategy, telling my brain what it wanted to hear. You win. We’ll skip it this one time. The relief was as palpable as a child told they could skip the broccoli. I hummed from sheer joy, mind once again at peace.
After work, I checked the clock and pretended to make a sudden decision. Looks like I have enough time to make it to class. Maybe I’ll just go. That way I can skip next week. I scurried off to change into my gear.
In reality, I never intended to skip class, but I told myself I would every week. This strange form of self-deception worked beautifully. It’s an old standard I pull out for trips, doctor’s appointments, anything that brings the fear. I relieve the pressure on myself by saying I won’t go. Then I “change my mind” right at the time I…
