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The Body Dysmorphia is Strong With This One
I’ve never felt beautiful unless I was painfully thin, and nothing I’ve tried has worked to undo this vicious programming.
Trigger warning: This essay contains goes into specific numbers of weights I’ve been (and my weight now), in an effort to discuss how ludicrous our idea of weight, especially the weight of women, is in contrast to reality, and also to explore how self-shaming I have been programmed to be my entire life. If reading about numbers on the scale is something that triggers you into disordered eating and/or exercising, or any symptoms of internalized fatphobia, skip this one. I love you and never want to hurt you.
When I posted the above photo to Instagram in February 2022, I thought I was achieving a new level of self-love. The level of self-love in which one is willing to admit that, yeah, I’m not perfect or super-lean or whatever, and I still love myself. Look at me go. Body confidence for the win, huzzah!
If you can believe it, I thought I was kind of subversively fat in this photo. Let that sink in for a moment. For anyone reading this who is actually fat, I am so sorry, because yes, I do realize that I am quite slim in this photo. I hate that I looked at this and saw Fat Samia, and sincerely believed that posting it…
