Understanding, Mastering & Conquering Your Triggers
The science & art of trigger management
Whenever you start a discussion it’s essential that we’re all on the same page and defining words the same way. So, how am I going to define the word “trigger”? A trigger is when anything happens that brings about some strong emotional or behavioral response.
Most of the time when we talk about triggers, we’re talking about negative emotions, thoughts, or reactions, but they can be positive. We will talk about the negative triggers since that’s the one we want to get rid of.
One thing I dislike about the scientific medical community is that they want to say that these responses are often involuntary and that’s why they can’t help you. Because triggers are anything but involuntary.
So what do I mean by triggers are anything but involuntary?
When we talk about triggers, most say that the trigger happens because of trauma, and they’re right, but they’re giving you an M&M and saying it’s medicine.
What do I mean by that? Almost everyone agrees that trauma causes us pain and brings about reactions and behaviors that seem involuntary. But they never get to the real core issue of why trauma hurts, and until you do that, you’ll never be completely free of triggers.
Trauma hurts because, when the trauma happened, it beat the hell out of our core emotional needs: to love and be loved, to feel worthy of respect and be valued, and to feel safe and in control. The trauma happened because we didn’t have the power or the resources to stop or understand what was happening. So, we learned how to deal with getting our core emotional needs stomped on and left bloody in the street.
Since our core emotional needs were never repaired, soothed, or taken care of the way they should have been, we had to come up with our own method. That method includes addictions, depression, overwhelming anxiety, and being stuck in a rut, not to mention a whole bunch of other facets in the diamond of trauma. Triggers are not involuntary but something that our mind and brain learned in response to our trauma.
When you learn something, it’s not involuntary, and if they’re learned, that means they can be unlearned. So, how do we unlearn them? I am glad you asked
We are stressed or anxious by our conscious thoughts of what could happen, and almost everything we do is focused on the worst possible outcome. When a deer gets chased by a predator, it involuntarily turns on its fight or flight mechanism, but once it escapes, it returns to whatever it was doing. We, on the other hand, constantly live in the fight or flight parasympathetic nervous system.
What does living in our parasympathetic nervous system have to do with stopping negative triggers?
We worry about our taxes, our mortgages, and all sorts of other things. We think we are thinking, but we are not thinking; we’re remembering. We’re reliving experiences that trigger emotions and feelings. The same thing happens with our trauma.
Living in our parasympathetic nervous system is what makes triggers feel like they’re involuntary because our parasympathetic nervous system was designed to be involuntary. But we, as humans, love to think about all the bad things, and that makes it become both an involuntary system and a learned coping mechanism system. To get out of the learned coping mechanism system, we have to be conscious of why we do what we do and why we learned the coping mechanisms.
So, when you’re triggered by something, the first thing you need to do is ask why you’re triggered. It’s going to be because of a traumatic incident that beat the hell out of one of your core emotional needs. Now, look at why that hurts so much and give that trigger a name. Name it something like ‘Bambi.’ The reason you name it is that once you give it a name, it loses so much of its power over you. And who the hell is scared of something named Bambi?
But here’s the key: you have to become so self-aware and conscious that every time that trigger happens, you can stop and say, ‘I know what you’re doing, Bambi, and I’m not going to let you have this power over me.’ As you keep doing this, you’ll see the power subsides.
Your mind tells you that you don’t need this; it’s not serving us anymore. And then, your brain will take that eight-lane highway synopsis and eventually turn it into a trail so small that a mouse would have a hard time following it.
But you need to consciously become aware of the trigger and tell yourself that you don’t need it because it’s not serving you in any way and you are worthy of love, respect, and that you are safe.
Soon, what was a trigger and your arch-enemy will become the exact opposite; it will become a friend that is helping you grow into who you were designed to be. You will be able to say, ‘Hi Bambi, nice for you to come for a visit.’
I know I made it sound easy, and it’s anything but easy; it’s simple but not easy. But I know you can do it because I did it, and if I did it, anyone can do it.
