What If My No Is Not Enough?
Consent, intimate relationships and trauma.
“What is consent?” Ive been asking myself since I got sexually assaulted over last summer. I had been asking myself this for months. Over last summer, I got sexually assaulted by one of the people I was dating. Chad and I had been dating for several months and on numerous occasions I had mentioned to them that I really enjoyed our checkins during sex because I had not always experienced that. I was excited, I thought I had met someone who respected my no. One night out and a lot of alcohol later, I quickly found out that wasn’t the case.
We a week prior had gone on a road trip to a town about 3 hours from where we live and the discussion of threesomes came up. We had both been vocal about trying it out together but ultimately I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t ready. I vocalized this to them and let them know that I had trauma surrounding threesomes. I even texted them to check in yet again, that I wasn’t ready. They said they understood and we went about our day to day until one very drunken night out.
On this particular night out, we had all been drinking very heavily and out past our bed times. Towards the end of the night, I just remember being in the Uber home, everything leading up to that was a complete blur. I hit a wall at some point throughout the evening and BOOM — all decision making skills went out the window and any ability to “consent” to anything did too. We made a stop at my house so I could change. I found out later on from a friend that Chad and Tobias were making out in my bed while I went to the bathroom. Not a big deal to me because I’m ENM(ethically non monogamous) and I had on numerous occasions had drunken makeouts with friends that stay just that.
I came out of the bathroom to find out Chad brought up the threesome with Tobias. My friend who overheard the conversation was the one who told me about this. I don’t remember this conversation, again, I was far beyond gone. We piled into an Uber again to Chads house to have a big sleepover. This was not out of the norm of friendship behavior for me. I don’t exactly remember who started what or how I even ended up where I was at, but one thing that has stuck with me in the aftermath of this — I said no not once but two times to them. They didn’t disclose their STI status prior to this, Tobias had no idea up until we were in the midst of hooking up. They had done this to me too and luckily I actually paid attention to their profile on the unnamed trash app for dating. I know of one other person they’ve done this to. That’s three different occasions with three different people.
To understand my freeze and fawn responses, you have to understand my trauma around this. In my early 20s I dated someone who on numerous occasions did not respect my no and used negging, guilt trips and “pep talks”(that’s what she called them personally I felt pressured not pepped) while extremely intoxicated to get me in bed. Hell, our first time fucking I came to while she was going down on me. I learned with her, that it wasn’t safe to say no. I would also learn with Chad that the same thing applied here. I could say no but it would be bypassed because they saw something and they took it. To say I regret this would be a lie. In order to regret something you have to have the autonomy to say no. Chad heard my no, read my no and still did what they wanted to.
The following day after the threesome, they wanted to have a check in and also at this point — I didn’t trust them. Why would I? I voiced my physical boundaries, I told them no and they waited until I was drunk to persuade me that we should follow through with this. I had learned early in with them that if I spoke up about something bothering me, I got the silent treatment or the script being flipped on me for even bringing anything up. This would become a consistent problem within the time we dated. I’d set a boundary, boundary would be crossed and then I had the nerve to bring it up — I got reprimanded or the silent treatment. At one point, they even brought up how their ex used to get frustrated with the same things.
One of my friends at the time got super overbearing with how I processed this. She kept wanting to talk about it. I wanted to forget it. I was in denial and also because of being in denial I had a HUGE trauma response to this. I almost cut off my friendship with Tobias because it became triggering to be around them because they were there that night. Personally, I believe that they are just as much as a victim as I was in that instance. They didn’t know what they were walking into and Chad did. It’s been very hard to process this because the person I fell in love with, wouldn’t have behaved like this. Around this time, they had started T(testosterone) and everything had become about sex. I felt like a therapeutic fleshlight by the end of our time dating. Everyone and everything or so it felt — served as a means for them to get off.
It’s taken me almost a year of going back and forth, looking up the laws, and really trying to figure out what happened to me. Every article, think piece, podcast, therapy session all came to the same conclusion — this was and is sexual assault. I lied to everyone around me for almost a year to protect them. For almost a year, the silence has made me a shell of a person. I stopped dating and I avoided sex.
The times I tried to have sex after we split, I felt disconnected. Out of body was a feeling that would follow me. It would become harder to get out of bed and even harder to stay present in social situations. I began self isolating. Several friends on many occasions, caught me dissociating. The thought of another human being touching my body ever again, made me sick to my stomach. So I avoided it at all costs.
I hope that if anyone who is reading this, knows that your no is enough. The intimate partners who you choose should respect your boundaries. This unfortunately is a much more common experience in the queer community I’ve found upon talking to others who have gone through the similar things. Sexual assault within the queer community at times has felt almost like a “mistake,” it’s too often brushed off when if it had been a cishet man, no one would be singing your praises. I know I will never get an apology for what was done to me because Chad would have to view their behavior as problematic or harmful. They wanted something, so they took it. I hope that they learned that their behavior wasn’t acceptable and what they did had a massively negative impact on another human being. I hope that they have moved into a place that they respect other’s boundaries and don’t use their “nice guy” façade to further perpetuate violence against people within their own community. I hope that one day they learn that someone else no IS enough.
