What It’s Like When Feelings Elude You
Relief from the escape of negative emotions hardly makes up for the inability to feel happy ones
*CW: Discusses suicide ideation
I was always the type of person who wore my heart on my sleeve, and I hated it. Crying at the drop of a hat was unavoidable. It was embarrassing at times. Why did certain things affect me so strongly when those around me seemed either completely composed or appeared to be only slightly distressed?
How I wished I could be less affected by others who seemed to have suffered unfairly. Little did I know how much I would miss those feelings when they were no longer available to me.
As demonstrative as I was when struck by the unfortunate plight of others, I was equally enthusiastic when presented with unusually happy, or exciting news, or experiences. I was joyful! Not able to contain or camouflage my exuberance, I would gleefully laugh and smile upon receipt of unusually happy news, or anticipated events.
I remember how happy and excited I was when my older daughter told us she was expecting a baby! Once she arrived, I immediately fell in love with her, just as I had with my own children. The mere thought of seeing, or holding her delivered immediate feelings of pleasure, I suppose lighting…
