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Why Aren’t You Hypervigilant, Too?
How a survival skill can be harmful to relationships
I used to be hypervigilant.
Noticing (and remembering) every single detail. Colors, smells, clothes, tone of voice, all of it.
Hypervigilance is a state of constant awareness of surroundings — a survival skill developed in trauma.
Psychologist Susan Albers explains that children in traumatic environments often develop hypervigilance as a way to survive chaos.
It’s important to know when your ostensible caregiver may get mad or lash out. You are always “on alert.”
Over time, this constant state of “fight or flight” mode takes a toll.
Due to heightened adrenaline levels, you may experience gastrointestinal issues, insomnia, and general agitation.
This, though, is just how I grew up.
Never knowing when a normal day might turn into chaos. Not sure what might trigger mom to get out the wooden spoon. Not knowing whether dad coming home would mean an argument, silence, or a temporarily happy surprise.
It meant suppressing my emotions — because any issue I had just meant one more problem. And that was not acceptable.
Sure, this seems bad.
But, as I grew older, I learned to turn my hypervigilance into an asset.
I never forgot a birthday. Or a first name. I could tell when people were even mildly agitated or upset — which meant I could offer a kind word, a hug, or distance as needed.
I didn’t ask for much from friends or people in relationships — I’d either figure it out or do without — so, a low-cost friend or partner.
Reliable, too.
I showed up on time or early, did extra, and attempted to win approval. Could not handle the idea that I’d disappointed someone.
In a romantic context, this was in many ways viewed positively.
I was flexible, agreeable, and low maintenance. I was genuinely delighted in the happiness of my partner. I remembered key details. I attended to details — where to eat to make them happy, how to cook foods just right, how to respond…
