How to be single on Valentine’s Day
My top tips for getting through the day without a bae.
The 14th of February is the living nightmare of every person not currently in a relationship. National Couples Day, as it’s more commonly known around the world, is full of adorable cuteness and romantic gestures and £15 dinner-for-two-and-a-bottle-of-wine meal deals from Tescos, which is great if you’ve got a romantic night lined up, but really sucks if you’re all alone.
Fear not reader, as I’m in a similar situation this year (like this year and the year before it and the year before that) and I’m here to help you through to February 15th without an awkward mental breakdown. Read on for my top tips to make it through Valentine’s day, the single way.
Tip 1: Bingewatch a boxset
One of the perks of not being in a relationship is that you can watch TV shows and movies at your own speed. There’s no waiting for the other person in the relationship to catch up on the latest episode of Ugly Betty, or having to sneak around spoilers for Brooklyn Nine Nine.
So why not spend the day just bingewatching whatever the hell you like. You could get your snatch game on and smash a season of Drag Race on Netflix, or see your Dad and his mates drive around foreign countries in the Grand Tour on Amazon Prime. You could even watch Being Human on BBC iPlayer if you’re too cheap (or just can’t afford) to pay six quid a month to watch TV shows of varying quality online. Just make sure to steer away from brilliant shows like Master of None, Fleabag or Transparent, to avoid being reminded that you are alone on Valentine’s day.
Tip 2: Listen to some music
Listening to music is one of the key parts of life, after eating, sleeping, raving and repeating. So what better to do than just put some headphones on and blast your ears nonstop for a solid twenty four hours.
The best thing to do is pick the least romantic music possible, so why not try the latest record from experimental hip hop group clipping (feat the guy who isn’t the main guy from Hamilton) the afrofuturist space saga Splendor and Misery. It’s available Spotify, Apple Music, your ex’s iTunes library, Amazon Prime Music and even on Youtube, so listen until you are one with the industrial noise and very fast rapping. If you do give into the urge to let your feelings out in any way, shape or form, chuck on the ultimate break up album, Vulnicura by Bjork, and rinse and repeat till you have no tears left.
Tip 3: Cook something nice
Cooking is a very relaxing pastime, where you try not to poison yourself, stab yourself or burn your house down whilst cooking something Jamie Oliver allegedly made by himself in fifteen minutes. So why not spend the evening of Feb 14th cooking some comfort food for yourself, such as this one pot pasta recipe (the secret ingredient is half a bottle of red wine) paired with a refreshing drink (the other half of the bottle of red wine), and followed by a lovely dessert (another bottle of red wine).
If you somehow manage to mess the cooking up, you’ve got three options. Either a) run down to your nearest supermarket and sweep up the reduced Valentine’s meal deals an hour before they close, b) go on Just Eat/Deliveroo/actually walk to a shop you lazy person and order some incredibly unhealthy takeaway food and eat it all because you just don’t care, or c) drink some more red wine.
Tip 4: Do a digital detox
Social Media on February the fourteenth gets overcrowded by cute couples in public displays of affection, clickbait stories about animals falling in love, and that one guy who’s really against Valentine’s day for some reason (it’s me) so why not just cut it out of your life for twenty four hours. Turn off all of your devices, lock them in a box and hide the key in a safe place.
Make sure to put the key in an easy to access place so that when you eventually lose control at ten o’clock, you can drunk text all of your exes and cry when scrolling through Facebook. Isn’t the internet a wonderful invention for the benefit of mankind!
Tip 5: Sleep it out
Alternatively, you could just sleep the whole day out. Put your phone on silent, whack in some noise cancelling headphones, close your eyes and just stay in bed all day. Only get up when you really have to pee, and treat yourself to a bowl of cornflakes in your pyjamas at four in the afternoon.
That is the peak of the single life. Bet if you’re in a relationship you have to get up a sensible time to go and do things, but us single people have the luxury of sleeping for however long we want, because we do what we want.
Single People 1, Couples 0.
Share this amazing article with all of your single friends to feel better about yourself. Later on this week, you’ll see something pretty similar to this on Buzzfeed, which’ll get loads of views and likes, but you heard it here first folks!