Dating whilst Black: an alternative perspective on the gender wars
I’ve consumed an unreasonable amount of content related to Black gender politics, particularly perspectives on dating. From femininity channels promoting hypergamy, to divestment or swirling channels promoting inter racial relationships, to the Manosphere and Black MGTOW movement, I have almost literally watched it all. And now as a recently married black woman, I continue to watch these videos out of a deep sense of curiosity and astonishment as the gender war enters a new and darker phase.
I have come to the following conclusions with the aim of achieving a somewhat balanced perspective.
There is a generation of black people who are dating now that are driven more by materialism and lifestyle than anything else.
It’s impossible to overlook the fact that the women seem to be very focused on being with a “provider” and the men are focused on having a traditional woman who cooks, cleans and looks good doing it.
The fact that it’s 2022 and men and women no longer occupy traditional gender roles (for a variety of economic and social reasons) is lost in the conversation. This obsessive focus on materialism – (note that even the men seem to want a lifestyle where they can avoid “working” albeit within the home and domestic sphere), is fascinating and under explored.
I personally believe that, (and we can see this in the “great resignation”) both black men and women are looking to improve or preserve their economic situations against a backdrop of multiple decades of low economic growth and limited opportunities, particularly in relation to building wealth etc.
In other words I get it.
However, I believe that searching of economic security as the primary goal in a relationship is misguided. That some women seem to be okay with forgoing monogamy in some cases just to achieve this, is indicative of how much value is being placed on financial factors in the current dating market.
The corollary is that other qualities – behavioural, spiritual and otherwise are being downplayed in dating.
Very rarely is even the idea of being “in love” talked about. There is scant reference to compatibility. In this way, the current conversation is reminiscent of arranged marriages and traditional courtships of the past.
Love was not the focus, economics often was, as was status. It seems odd to me that these “traditions” are now being accepted wholesale and without question. No one is asking whether these systems existed or even worked for us in the past and whether they will provide the outcomes we want for our families and communities in the future.
In fact, much of the conversation compares us to other races without looking deeply into those structures to see whether these systems are as unchanged in those communities as we’ve been led to believe. White women by and large are working. They are not staying at home, barefoot and pregnant, raising babies. This model is an exception for them also.
Both men and women on both sides of the debate are arguing for the same model and yet still cannot agree with each other.
It seems that each side considers the other as unworthy of participation within the model. The men are “dusty” and do not earn enough to participate, whereas the women are too loud, obnoxious and not submissive enough to be included. As a result, it’s unclear where this is going to lead us.
Will black men and women ever be able to reconcile or are we at the beginning of a long stretch of perpetual singleness on both sides? And if the latter, what does this mean for our communities, our empowerment and position in society?
