How to reframe your apologies and decrease confrontation by 50%
Okay, so maybe I don’t have a statistic to support the “50% decrease in confrontation” headline. But I do have what I think is a really good method for decreasing confrontation and improving the way you deal with mistakes.
Mistakes happen all the time in the workplace, whether it’s something as basic as forgetting to reply to an email in a timely manner or something as major as messing up on a project. What’s the normal procedure for apologizing after making a mistake? Apologizing.
Now, I’m not against apologizing. I think that if you make a mistake you should certainly apologize for it and do everything you can to fix the situation. But what I am against is unnecessary confrontation. That’s why I always reframe my apologies into an apology plus an expression of gratitude.
Let’s use a simple hypothetical example to illustrate what the heck I mean.
Suppose I’m corresponding back and forth with a client via email, and one of their emails slips through the cracks — I only reply to it three or four days after they sent it to me. I was busy and couldn’t get to it, or I just forgot.
Crap. That’s not good, and it certainly doesn’t reflect well on my company. We always strive for prompt communication.
When you’ve let an email slip through the cracks and are only replying to it a few days later (especially if you’ve received a tense follow-up in that time), you have three options for how to address (or not address) the lateness in your next email. I’ll explain the first two briefly, then dive in to the last one (which is my preferred way of dealing with these situations). Do note that any of these methods can work, depending on the situation and the people involved. I just prefer the third.
Anyway, let’s dive in. Three ways to deal with a delayed reply to an email:
- Don’t mention it at all
Just send the email as you would normally. Don’t mention or acknowledge how late you were. Dive right in to the content.
Pro: If the other person was similarly busy or also forgot, there’s no harm and no foul. You pick up the conversation normally.
Con: If they noticed, or the conversation was time-sensitive, you’re in a little more trouble and come across a bit disrespectfully. The other person might think you’re a little rude and feel like you don’t care enough to reply on time or apologize for being late.
2. Acknowledge and apologize
Use a phrase like “Sorry for the delayed response!” coupled with a short explanation (“We’ve been swamped on this end prepping for a new campaign that goes live tomorrow”) before diving into the meat of your email.
Pro: You show the other person that you know what a delay looks like, and acknowledge that it’s bad. You also justify your lateness.
Con: If the other person didn’t realize how late it had gotten, they might now suddenly feel like the delay was unacceptably long. You also draw attention to the fact that you got late and have other things going on, leading them to believe that maybe you’re too busy to be working with them at this time. Also if you don’t have a real explanation for your lateness, you have to be shady by either making something up or being vague (“I was having some personal issues”/”We’ve been really busy here”).
3. Acknowledge, apologize and express gratitude
This is my favorite way of apologizing for mistakes (of course ideally I would never make any mistakes and never have to apologize, but hey — we’re only human). Basically, you acknowledge the lateness and apologize for it (or don’t, depending on the context) and then express gratitude for the other party’s flexibility, support or patience.
For example, in the late email example, this is how I would phrase my apology:
“Sorry for the delayed response — been super swamped with our new campaign that just went live. Thank you for your patience!”
That little phrase at the end — “Thank you for your patience” — makes all the difference. The gratitude phrase can be anything — “Thank you for your flexibility”, “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me”…it all depends on context.
When you add an expression of gratitude to an apology, it all but eliminates the possibility of the other person retaliating. If you apologize and the last part of your apology is a phrase like “I’m so sorry”, the other person can still chide you and feel like you’ve wronged them — you wouldn’t be apologizing if you didn’t do something wrong.
However, if the last thing you say in your apology is “Thank you for your patience”, you’re now complimenting the other person and showing gratitude. Even if you’re still in the wrong because you replied to an email horribly late, now the other person is getting your gratitude rather than just your apology and shame. It’s a lot harder to be mad at someone who just complimented your patience, flexibility or support.
You also don’t have to apologize or explicitly acknowledge your lateness — simply saying a phrase like “Thank you for your patience” can both acknowledge the problem and express gratitude to the other person, without being so explicit about your apology. This is entirely context-dependent.
Some common scenarios and examples of how you could use this apology + gratitude method in context:
You replied to an email horribly late — “Thank you for your patience.”
You missed a deadline — “Thank you for your flexibility”
You show up late to a meeting — “Thank you for waiting”
I will say that your mileage may vary with this method — it is far more applicable for small-scale mistakes, like being late for something. If you’ve accidentally dropped the ball on your firm’s biggest client and they want to pull out of the contract, it’s probably better to start taking action to fix the problem rather than find a good expression of gratitude to send to your boss.
However, if you turn into the kind of person who makes several small mistakes and has to repeatedly apologize, you might rub people the wrong way in the long run. Using this method might help mitigate some of that.
The best solution, of course, is to avoid making mistakes in the first place. But, like I said, we’re all human. We’ll probably screw up at some point. All we can hope to do is minimize the impact of our mistakes. Good luck!
Thanks for reading! I’m Raghav, Co-Founder of Black Shell Media — a marketing and PR studio for startups and independent game developers. Follow our Medium publication if you’re a game developer or entrepreneur who wants exclusive insights from industry professionals!
