Survival mode activated
Ah the stairs that lead to nowhere. Like my anxiety. I kid, but also not. Having an anxiety disorder is basically being in perpetual Panic Mode. Sometimes it’s worse than others, but it’s consistent and overwhelming. Panic Mode then kicks into gear Survival Mode.
This is not a fun or healthy state to live in either. I realize now that much of my decision making was tied to unhealthy motivations and reasoning. I tried to minimize as many variables as possible, clinging to a life raft made of nothing but preconceived notions, maladaptive learnt behaviours, and social constructs. I was incapable of thinking laterally or progressively. Anything outside of the safety bubble in which I encased myself was dangerous, bad, or unpleasant. I had a fixed mindset.
I no longer blame myself for this. I wasn’t aware how profoundly my mental health affected me. After all I was in therapy, on medication, I was journaling, exercising and eating well daily; how could I still be mentally unwell? But the tricky thing with mental health disorders is they’re insidious. They creep up on you bit by bit, whispering lies and falsities until you start to believe these thoughts. At times even become them. You start to normalize the unhealthy thinking to the point where it just becomes the New Normal.
I thank my somewhat new interest in mindfulness for helping me catch myself now. Catch myself when I’m slipping, when I start to hear the lies and accept them hook line and sinker no questions asked.
Now I’m asking. Fact checking. Clarifying. All the livelong day. The phrase ‘Don’t believe everything you think’ (credit?) was a total game changer.
I want to heal. I want to grow. Neither of these things are destinations, but states I want to keep traveling through. I don’t want to be stuck like I have been most of my life.
