7 Unqualified Lessons on Love + Heartbreak
Working on the Magdalen ( a shameless plug I won’t apologise for) has taught me so much in such a short amount of time. The lessons have gone beyond working with a wonderful team- led by one of the wisest women I know- as fantastic as they are. They have gone beyond learning to keep to deadlines and plan ahead more than I have ever thought was possible (and I love to plan). For me, it’s actually the themes. They prompt you to hunt for people and stories that you might not necessarily have found and they provoke you to think about things that you might not necessarily have thought otherwise.
September’s issue, in particular, has had a lasting effect on me of late. Reflect and Restart. As if I needed an excuse to talk about my feelings. However, here we are. As Barbs and I have been outlining the issue, I’ve found myself reflecting on the last year. 365 days. The days have passed almost as quickly as it was for me to write them. Looking back, it feels like I was just there but I know that there were moments that felt like they would never end. To those who have been following my posts over the last 8 months, you will most likely know what I’m referring to- unless you have got lost in my dramatic musings and 3 different blogs which I can’t say I blame you for.
It’s been a hard but frankly amazing year. So many things have changed. I may have lost a lot but in the end, I gained so much more. At least, that’s the hindsight I can give a year on. I didn’t feel like that at the time, it took a lot of focus and effort to get myself to this point and I’m nowhere near the finish line. If, indeed, a finish line exists. I’ve just got myself to a point where I feel content and if that isn’t leaving the past behind you, then I don’t know what is.
Recently, I have found myself giving out a lot of “break-up” advice as if I am some qualified expert which I have to admit I am far from. The only thing I can do is talk from experience, reflect on the things that I have learned along the way and hope that they can help someone going through the same thing.
I don’t know the exact date of that break up, it’s definitely something I’d rather forget. Yet, I will never forget how I felt. Heartbreak is just painful anyway you look at it. You relive ( more like torture yourself over) the details for months on end. Mine was more drawn out than most: with break ups and make ups that make me want to shake my past self awake or at least knock some sense into her. Believe me, she needs it.
However, if I hadn’t gone through all that- I wouldn’t be here, writing about all of these amazing life-changing lessons that I have learned and am now sharing with all of you. Life is just funny sometimes.
Lesson 1 : Embrace the Cliché
My relationship ended pretty badly. I shouldn’t have been surprised that it ended but for some ( bizarre, frankly deluded) reason I was. I was so hurt that I swore I would never see him again unless it was in my ideal future revenge scenario. You know the one: I’m super ripped, married to a billionaire and was, obviously, the most famous broadcaster there ever was or ever could be. Realistic expectations, right?
Just because someone hurts you and you’re angry at them, doesn’t mean you just fall out of love with them. Just because there were bad times, doesn’t mean you can’t reminisce about the good moments. If I had given myself that time, instead of trying to prove a point then things might have not manifested the way that they did. Regardless of the ending, when a relationship ends you feel like you have lost something, so it’s okay to mourn. It’s actually a sign of strength that you are letting yourself feel which is why I’m sick of us all having to justify it to the rest of the world. Crying is great. Believe me, I’m an expert. It’s chicken soup for the soul. I cry at movies, songs, adverts. I cry when I’m sad, happy, tired and stressed. It’s all part of the healing process.
Recommendations: P.S. I Love You but Titanic is good too.
Lesson 2: It’s time for a cleanse ( and I don’t mean juice)
Now, I don’t mean with juice or some other bonkers diet. I mean the other compulsive habit in your life: social media. Regardless of how your relationship ended, you should unfollow/ unfriend your ex. You’ll thank me later. You don’t want to be drunkenly messaging them all sorts and wake up with that regret filled dread. I’m not saying forever- I really am a strong advocate that ex’s can be “friends” but this rule ( much like lesson 3) will give you the space you need to heal.
Lesson 3: Chuck the ‘stuff’
I’ve joked about being a bit of a hoarder- well, I wish I was joking. I am a sucker for the nostalgic. I move house and it takes three times as long because I, obviously, have to go through all of my birthday cards from my 8th birthday. You all know what I mean about the ‘stuff’: all the now- rendered useless momentos and photos and presents that you gain over a relationship. The thing is, once a relationship ends, you don’t need it. Think about it, what are you really going to do with it except use it as a dart board target? Oooh, that’s an idea… In all seriousness, once you’re finished with the crying. Get it in the bin or give it to your ex- whatever. Just get it out of your house. You can’t imagine the relief you feel once you do. It’s not about being cruel or unfeeling but about letting yourself move on. You can’t think about the future when you are sitting dragging out photos from 2015 every other minute.
Lesson 4: You’re not alone alone
Okay sure, you’re now single. So, technically you’re “alone” but the point is you’re not really alone alone… if that makes sense? No? Yeah, I’m lost too. Just because you don’t have that significant other to rant to anymore, doesn’t mean you are in this alone. There is nothing worse than you suppressing your emotions, trying to ignore them and pretend that you are okay. Believe me, it will come back and bite you in the ass later on at the most inopportune times. Talk/ write/ sing it out- whatever you need to process it, just try not to annoy your neighbours. Your friends and family- the people that care about you want to help you so let them. I will harp on and on about this but love comes in so many different forms. All are important so don’t forget them!
Lesson 5: You have nothing to prove
The concept of winning/ losing a break up is honestly the most toxic thing I can think of. I struggle to see how we have justified this mentality for so long. When someone breaks up with you, it hurts. It makes you feel like you weren’t good enough or there is something wrong with you so every bone in your body tells you to prove them wrong. You want to show them how good you are doing without them, how happy you are yada yada yada. My advice is to resist that. Why? You don’t have anything to prove. Don’t focus on yourself just to get back at someone else. Focus on you because that’s what you deserve.
The best thing I did, something I didn’t do when I was in a relationship, was focus on what I needed and what I wanted. We all know that our self-worth is shattered after a break-up so the best thing you can do is try and rebuild it. That’s the best advice that I can give. The most important lesson I have learnt over the last year. You are only responsible for making yourself happy. No matter how hard you work to make someone else happy, they aren’t your responsibility at the end of the day as much as you care for them. The only person’s happiness that you can control is your own.
Do things that make you proud of yourself and make you happy. Live YOUR life. I abseiled off the Forth Rail Bridge, I started running, I became the senior-deputy editor of my university magazine and president of a new society. I proved to myself that I could do anything that I wanted to do. I will go into this a little later but I think we too often forget that our lives do not revolve around our romantic relationships. Think about it: we all have passions and careers that we care about, we have so many other relationships with family and friends that are important to us. We shouldn’t let one person’s love or lack thereof define if we are “lovable” or not. The moment I decided that I shouldn’t have to convince someone to love me was the moment I got some self respect/ worth back. I see it as a real turning point in my life and it has drastically changed how I will approach future relationships. Take me or leave me. I won’t change myself or suppress anything that makes me, well, me.
Lesson 6: Drinking and dancing are dangerous distractions
Now I mean alcohol here, obviously, but it really goes for any substance that you are using to escape. When the break up was still fresh, I found myself going out a lot. Now, I’m not really a ‘clubber’. I’m big on the throwback tunes — my ABBA and my QUEEN- but other than that, I’d much prefer to stay in or chat the night away in the pub. I have never really thought of myself as an alcoholic but I found myself going out most weekends just to blow off some steam. Most of the time it was perfectly tame but ultimately I realised I was using it as a distraction. I wanted to have fun and forget how crappy I was feeling. I’m sure a lot of you can relate. The problem is, as many of you will know, that works about half the time. The other half, you are crying over your cheesy chips on the way home after a sucky night. Nothing about that picture is pretty. Not to mention that drinking when you are feeling vulnerable is so dangerous. It scares me when I think about the kind of situations I put myself in just because I wanted to forget. If I were you, I wouldn’t drink at all. However, that is ultimately unrealistic advice. Instead, I will leave you with this, it doesn’t make it better. Those feelings will still be there. The only way to get better is just to be good to yourself.
Lesson 7: Cliché №2 : Time is always the healer
The times we spend when we are single are so ridiculously important. It’s the time that we learn the most about ourselves. I have spent so much time over the last year feeling like I needed to be in a relationship. I always seen myself as a “relationship” person, I like being someone’s girlfriend but any time I started dating, it just didn’t feel right. It wasn’t necessarily because of anything the guys had said or done but I just realised it’s just not what I wanted. I’m piling on the clichés here and the phrase ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ is uncomfortable to swallow but it doesn’t change the truth that that is exactly how I felt. I was scared of being hurt again, it was so difficult to get over and wasn’t something I wanted to repeat any time soon.
Getting over a relationship takes time, especially if you really loved someone. I wish I could give you an exact formula- and end date- for how long it takes to move on from someone. It’s something we have all looked for at one time or another. Everyone’s different but you won’t get over a relationship until you give yourself time to. Rushing into relationship after relationship means you aren’t focusing on your own needs. Hypothetically, it’s been a year. If I wanted to be in a relationship, I finally feel I could. The difference is, I’m not looking for it to happen. If I happen to meet someone who blows me away then great but I’m happy without it. My life is pretty full either way.
So, the question is: how do you know that you’ve moved on? Well, I’ll play Devil’s Advocate and say that it isn’t after a certain amount of time has passed or when you fall in love with someone else, I think it’s when you are okay being by yourself. When, you don’t feel like you need a relationship to feel loved or need a partner to be happy. I think it’s when you realise that, at the end of the day, you were always enough.
Lots of Love,
Becca x
365 days in pictures
