Lighten Up
“Hey, gimme a smile!”
“Cheer up love; it can’t be that bad”
“C’mon, gie’s a grin- it’s not the end of the world!”
But…why?
This is the opening to a piece that I have written for the November issue of the Magdalen. I was going to wait and talk about it in November, when you can read the article for yourself. Let’s be honest, I probably will harp on about it then as well. However, since it’s Mental Health Awareness day, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to share it with you all.
We all lead busy lives full of endless responsibilities, meaning that we have little time to dwell on something as insignificant as someone telling us to smile. It’s happened too many times to count right? At least it has for me.
Despite writing this article, I am quite a smiley person but my face has an annoying tendency of showing the world what I am feeling at any given moment. It is true that I have never pretended to be anything other than the human equivalent of a children’s book: colourful and easily read. It’s not something I shy away from because it keeps me honest. However, it’s not always the best thing…
Last Christmas, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. It had been a difficult year for me, personally and professionally, following on from a traumatic break-up and a drastic change in career path. However, to anyone that didn’t really know that version of me behind the Instagram posts, I appeared to be #livingmybestlife; partying and drinking, surrounded by my friends and family all day long. Truthfully, it was just pretend.
When I was first diagnosed, my doctor looked me up and down and told me that I couldn’t be that depressed since I was still smiling. Not only was it quite shocking for me to have someone — a professional no less — so flippantly disregard my emotions, it also made me question whether my feelings were legitimate. Depression manifests in different ways. In my own personal experience, it’s the “outgoing” ones that are often who we should really be worried about. The people that appear happy in public, often have a very different story behind closed doors unbeknownst to the outside world.
Even the worst secret-keepers can hide their emotions if they have to. trust me, I’m the worst of the lot. We can’t always assume that the emotions someone is displaying on their face directly reflects what someone is actually feeling just as we shouldn’t assume to know what someone is thinking. In other words, don’t judge a book by it’s cover. It’s one of the first clichés we learn but it’s often the hardest to forget. My face might appear as a children’s book, but my thoughts can be a Stephen King novel.
Just in case you were somehow unaware, don’t tell someone to smile or use any of the variations at the beginning of this piece. It’s not just a question of being sexist although this disproportionately affects women more than men (just ask Serena Williams, Kristen Stewart or Greta Thunberg). It is also a question of sensitivity, consideration of others and not making gross unfounded assumptions.
Even the good-intentioned amongst you, let me enlighten you about why, telling someone to “lighten up”, as a tactic, is flawed:
- Telling someone to smile isn’t going to immediately make them happy.
- You might actually make them more self-conscious and anxious which I’m sure is your last intention.
- No one has to be happy and smiley all the time. There are multiple times I’ve heard someone say that a girl would be more attractive if they smiled more — women are not just there to smile and look pretty for you but that’s a rant for another day
- You are invalidating their emotions and not accepting how they feel. Instead, why not recognise their emotions, ask them how they are rather than brushing them off, listen to them.
My feed is full of posts similar to my own, preaching the same positive and supportive messages that I am. It’s really beautiful and an encouraging thing to see but it’s sometimes difficult to hear them above all the noise of our daily lives. For that reason. I only want you to take one message from today.
Be kind
That goes for everyone; to the people who make up your life, the people you like, the people you don’t and the people you barely know. A little goes a long way. Yet, the most importantly, the person we too often forget about: ourselves. You deserve that consideration just as much as anyone else. Don’t forget that.
For those of you that follow my blog posts, this isn’t news. I do talk about it A LOT but I refuse to apologise for that . I can’t stress how important it is that we force ourselves to have this conversation, as impossible as it might seem. This blog has been my outlet, my chance to process how I am feeling and discover something that I love. I just hope it has helped you as much as it helps me.
Lots of Love,
Becca x
