“Strong Female Lead”
I don’t lift. I don’t run marathons. I haven’t done the Death Valley Iron Man nor am I ever planning on doing so either. Does that mean that I’m not strong?
In physical terms… maybe… but I’m setting my bar pretty high here so I’ll try and cut myself some slack. What I lack in physical strength and endurance, I believe I make up for in other ways. Emotional intelligence: my overly self-aware inner critic just won’t quit no matter how much I try to bribe her. It’s easy to say that strength is more than just what you can lift at the gym or how high you can get the Hammer Bell at a Funfair ( sorry that’s my only points of reference of measuring strength unfortunately) . I have always felt that we measure men and women very differently in that department. Men always have to be seen as the physically strong protector whilst we measure women on how well they endure nature’s ultimate test of strength- life. Despite the complicated challenges and unique obstacles that life throws at us, this emotional strength and relentless endurance always seems to be framed as lesser; less significant, less meaningful. Something that we all know, couldn’t be further from the truth.
It’s something that I have caught myself thinking about a lot recently as I have been struggling with my mental health over the past few weeks. I put the relapse in my struggle with anxiety and depression down to “weakness”. How could I let it happen again? Didn’t I know the signs? All of which, if someone had said to me about themselves would have made me stop them in their tracks, shake them vigorously and then give them a bone-crushing hug. It’s funny how we hold ourselves to higher standards than we do anyone else. If we really do measure strength in weights and Iron Mans, then I wouldn’t know where to start. Sometimes it takes all my strength just to get out of bed.
I think that the yardstick that we measure strength by is completely off. I recently read a New York Times article by Brit Marling about the way we present “Strong Female Leads” in the film industry. It’s something that I hadn’t really thought much about before except as something that I would be in support of. However, this article made me question even that. When we call for the film industry to implement more “Strong Female Leads” into the centre of their storylines, what are we really asking for? Even now, in this supposedly equal society, a Strong Female Lead creates another category, with another set of unrealistic characteristics that no everyday woman can achieve.
She must be athletic but not too athletic so you don’t see the definition of her muscles because that isn’t nice to look at on a woman. She must be intelligent but not too intelligent that she isn’t relatable or that the men in the audience can’t understand her. She can be physically strong so long as she is good looking. She can wear trousers and appear “masculine” so long as she still has long hair and wears a dress at the end so that you realise she was a pretty girl all along. Oh, don’t forget, she has to be slim and white and heterosexual and able bodied.
Phew. Crikey, that was a mouthful but you get my point. The standards that we use to measure strength and by extension-what constitutes a Strong Female Lead are the stuff of comic books- unattainable and utterly wrong. In fact, there is one woman in particular that has taught me what real strength is. My wonderful Granny, Wilma “Mina” Grigg. So, in case you were in any doubt, she does not lift weights nor run marathons and as far as I know she has not partaken in the Death Valley Iron Man unless she has some colourful history I don’t know about.
Yet, what I can say- without a doubt in mind- is that she is one of the strongest people I know. Today she turns 75 years old and in her lifetime, she has seen more joy and love and heartbreak and grief than I could ever comprehend. The details of which are personal to her and irrelevant to the rest of us, all you need to know is the person that she is despite and due to all that she has experienced. I do not know a person who has more compassion for those around her than this woman. She always has time for people- her family, her friends, her neighbours, even strangers. I dread walking down the street with her because she knows and stops for everyone. A trait that she passed on to her daughter and hopefully to me too. She actually wants to know what is going on in their lives, she will go out of her way to help in any way she can. She genuinely cares about them and there’s not many people in this world that I can wholeheartedly say that about.
It doesn’t matter how many times you have wronged her, let her down or disappointed her (and I am sure over the years I have more than once) she forgives. She never has a harsh word to say about anyone, she loves. She simply wants to laugh and dance the night away, she lives.
So sure, if you want to measure strength by weights and marathons, I doubt she would get very far. Although, she does handle her chocolate retriever Buddy particularly well ( better than me anyway). Yet, if we measure strength the way we ought to- by our capacity to care for others, to love and forgive despite their mistakes and our capacity to see joy in life when we have experienced darkness, then we need not look any further than the “Strong Female Lead” right here.
In dedication to Wilma “Mina” Grigg, my strong female lead, always.
Happy Birthday xx
