To my friend’s rapist
Did you know there are 171, 476 words in the English language? Nope, me neither. That was until today. Not until my friend looked up at me and told me she had been raped. Funny thing is, I had 171,476 words to choose from and yet I couldn’t find a single one.
She did though. She only needed one. She spoke up. She said no.
I know we live in a world where we are bombarded with information. Countless adverts and books. Endless signs and conversations. It’s hard to pay attention to it all. It can just be too much. I know the world is loud and that it never sleeps. One side of the world descends into dreams, the other half springs awake and it starts all over again. For our own sanity, we have to filter out the noise. We have to sift through all of that information and pick and choose the bits that interest us. We cannot hope to take all of it in. It’s simply a case of self-preservation.
We’re human. It happens. But the key word here is filter. You wouldn’t filter out an ambulance siren, you wouldn’t ignore a policeman trying to arrest you or a child helplessly crying. No matter how inconvenient it may be, there are some things in this life that we just cannot ignore. Even if it’s not in our interests to notice them. There are some things that are just too important to look past. For the record, she is too important to ignore.
My beautiful, brainy, big-hearted friend said no. You weren’t supposed to ignore her. That one word should have been too important to look past.
It’s true that words are complicated things and don’t get me started on how we understand them. It’s easy to interpret a sentence in a million different ways just based on its infliction, grammar or tone.
But she said no. There’s no alternative meaning. There’s only one. It’s straightforward as that. No means no. It’s not complicated, you can’t get lost in the translation. We all know that, even you.
They say words can hurt as much as any weapon, as much as any show of force. If only that were true. Even if I used all 171, 476 , I wouldn’t be able to express the sickness I feel, knowing that I couldn’t help her, that I didn’t stop you. Even if I used every last one of those, I wouldn’t be able to change the look on her face when she told me or be able to travel back in time to stop it from happening at all. Words may strike as sharp as any dagger and they can have a lasting effect on all of us but they don’t pierce the skin and they don’t draw blood like you.
If this is the only justice that she gets, I would use every last one of those words so that you realise one thing. I won’t let you make her not important. She might not want to talk right now but one day she will and her thoughts, her opinions, her voice will be heard by me and countless others. Now, read carefully because this is impossible to ignore. I want you to remember that she is fierce, she is strong and she is brave. She is everything that you will never be close to having and since you like to take what isn’t yours, I want you to know that all of this, all of her beauty and all of her strength is something you will never be able to take.
I wrote this anger fuelled letter several months ago, the day I found out my friend was raped. I didn’t write it intending to send it anywhere or to show anyone necessarily but here we are. I never even told her that I had written this until a couple of weeks ago. I brought it up, almost embarrassed since it almost felt wrong. It wasn’t my story to tell and the last thing I wanted to take away from her was the power to tell it. For now, the story will go untold as she wants it and as is right to her. Tomorrow is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women. A day that I frankly find appalling that it exists at all. But it does. And it has to. According to the UN, 35% of women have experienced physical and/ or sexual abuse worldwide from a non-partner and this does not constitute sexual harassment. Moreover, 70% have experienced this from an intimate partner in their lifetime. These shocking statistics keep on coming with an estimated 87,000 women being deliberately killed in 2017 globally while 15 million girls between 15–19 have been raped internationally. I read through a frankly frightening list of statistics, striking a various course of emotions from disbelief, anger, sadness to fear.
These people are not just statistics. They have hopes and aspirations, likes and dislikes, dreams and plans. Too often, they are robbed of this. Too often, they are forced through tremendous physical and emotional trauma to then have to find a way to rebuild their lives, lives that shouldn’t have been stolen from them in the first place.
My friend isn’t a statistic. She is beautiful and smart and kind and wonderful. Everyone in her life (including myself) is lucky to know her and love her. Looking at these statistics, it makes me wonder about all of those women and girls across the globe. It makes me think of their beauty, intelligence, kindness and strength. It makes me angry, don’t get me wrong, but it also makes me motivated. It makes me want to fight for change and it should make you want to change things too. As we all know, these are not just numbers on page- a statistic we will later forget. I know too many women who have known stories all too similar to my friend over the years. Too many stories to put on paper but frankly too many stories full stop. This year, let’s recognise those survivors; their beauty, intelligence, kindness and strength. Let’s do them the service by fighting for them- helping them find the words when it feels impossible. By shining light on their stories, by campaigning to our governments to implement real and effective change but most importantly to remember that there are real people behind the numbers with real stories to tell.
Helplines
Scottish Women’s Rights Centre
Scotland’s Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriages Helpline
