Understanding My Fear of Influence Is Making Me a Better Writer
Retrace the steps of my life and a pattern of decision-making guided by imposter syndrome quickly becomes apparent. The pattern would likely form a maze outlined with reactions of disbelief at my own accomplishments and constant fear of missing the mark. My brain registered moments of success as happenstance. My skills and hard work weren’t part of the equation.
Over the years, I realized that imposter syndrome was a misfitting description of my beliefs. Instead, I call it my fear of influence. My fear of influence was not fear of being influenced by something or someone. I feared becoming the influencer, the appropriate person who has something important or thought-provoking to say at all times.
My fear of influence manifests in different ways, praised by some as humility and a source of annoyance to others when I won’t take credit or acknowledge my influence in any given situation.
Fear of influence is the metaphorical child I birthed and raised in my own likeness — but she’s more conniving, often sneaking into the room so quietly that I don’t notice she’s there watching my every move.
My fight with fear of influence is noticeable in my past writings, too. I’d have strong feelings about an issue, but never clearly picked sides. I made sure my points were…
