How Fundamental is our Divide?
Before we talk, we need to talk about how we listen.
Since I’m proposing to make a blog covering not one but two divisive subjects — religion and politics — I figured I should explain how I think adding my voice to the fray might help.
It seems like everyone these days is decrying how divisive and vitriolic political conversations are these days. Why can’t normal people, they ask, just sit down and have a calm, reasoned debate? I think that’s actually not a rhetorical question.
A recent poll showed deep, persistent distrust of the opposing party among both Biden and Trump voters. Yet when asked about individual pieces of Biden’s recently proposed infrastructure bill, both groups showed substantial support for many. In other words,
“the mutual loathing is based more on emotion than policy.”
Before I dive into the hard-to-talk-about issues in this blog, I want to point out some real roadblocks to productive discussion. Not just here but wherever we interact with people, you and I can address issues like these right now. I also want to be the space where especially white conservatives can listen and feel heard.
Not My Problem
One reason for the rancor in our discourse is that we wrongly assume the intention behind what we perceive as rude behavior. A person for whom an issue doesn’t matter very much wants it to be discussed without making them feel bad. Harsh or even just straightforward language doesn’t sound polite enough.
But often when I lean in and listen to a person who’s “not being civil,” I realize they’re frustrated by years of saying the same things without being heard. I understand this as a mom; when my kids don’t hear or listen, I literally talk louder!
Similarly, when marginalized people have been saying over and over that something hurts them — a behavior, a word, a monument—but nothing changes, naturally they aren’t going to be as nice about it the fortieth time. It’s not personal, but if you’re the fortieth person to say it, even if they know it’s not your fault for being fortieth, they’re just tired. Cut them some slack and you might learn something.
Don’t Want That Problem
Other times, however, when people complain that a discussion isn’t civil enough, what they really mean is that they don’t want to talk about the subject at all. For example, evangelical hip-hop star (yes, you read that right) and Black American Lecrae found out the hard way that a lot of his fellow Christians didn’t want to hear about racism:
I thought that Trayvon dying was terrible, and I thought all Christians would agree with me. And that’s when I found out we staunchly disagree, and they saw this as a political thing, whereas I saw this as a personal thing.
Hearing about racism, sexism, or homophobia, for example, might make you uncomfortable, so such topics could feel “impolite” no matter how gently they’re brought up. (Frankly, a blog about religion and politics touches on two subjects that are usually taboo, so good job!)
If you find yourself wishing for a different tone, you don’t have to feel bad about looking for another discussion. There are plenty of books and articles out there! However, don’t assume every discussion is for you (i.e., don’t ask someone else to change their tone for your sake). Then be honest with yourself about whether a different tone would help, or if you’re really just trying to avoid the topic. In that case, be brave and keep listening.
After all, as Brad Meltzer said about his book, I am Rosa Parks, being banned: “Race is a hard subject, but nothing good comes out of not talking about hard subjects.”
Policies Have Consequences
While avoiding politics is probably good advice for keeping peace between relatives at Thanksgiving, there comes a point when something that matters can’t be ignored. If you’re tired of hearing about a political subject, you’re saying to the people who still talk about it, “I don’t care about whatever it is that’s worrying you.”
I like to say that “political” discussion should be about “policy.” After all, both words come from the same root. (Did I mention I’m a word nerd?) But government policies on the minimum wage, health insurance, immigration, or discrimination that are merely theoretical to me currently impact many people in life-or-death ways.
When Trump was elected, for example, I knew I would be fine. But some of Trump’s proposals could have resulted — or did, when they were enacted — in people being deported, unable to afford their health insurance, or even losing their citizenship.
Naturally, it’s hard to be civil when your livelihood or life is being threatened, especially when you’re discussing with someone who doesn’t face the same threat. We need to remember that before we criticize people’s tone.
Opinions or Character?
Finally, it’s hard to be polite in a debate if someone is questioning your character. All of us hold fundamental beliefs or values that won’t change. The more closely tied they are to our identity, the harder we’ll defend them, often without realizing why we’re so upset.
In 2017, an article went viral with the title, “I don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people.” The author talks about how happy she would be to pay more for a hamburger so that fast food workers can earn a living wage. She would pay more taxes so that everyone can have health insurance. Then she writes something important to pay attention to (emphasis added):
Our disagreement is not merely political, but a fundamental divide on what it means to live in a society, how to be a good person, and why any of that matters.
I agree with many points in the article, but I think its problem is that the author conflates her value (we should help people) and her opinion (these policies are the right/best way to do so).
We all do that sometimes, since our brains make the leap quite naturally. For the author, as well as many other Democrats, it’s an unquestioned fact that government programs both help people and are necessary to get people help. That’s why she “cannot have political debates with” people who disagree; she defines Democratic policies as caring — which means that, by the same definition, people who don’t support them are uncaring.
But I personally know many people who are politically conservative, and they are neither sociopaths nor lacking empathy. Yes, that’s anecdotal evidence, but it disproves the generalization. If you wade into a debate with the assumption that your opponents are bad people, why would they want to hear what you have to say?
It’s possible, of course, that many people don’t actually support that author’s values. But Christians ostensibly do want to help people, and I will argue that even Christians who are politically conservative share many similar values with progressives.
Explaining Nicely
Many progressives say they’re tired of explaining things nicely, possibly for some of the reasons above. That’s where I hope to help. I’ve journeyed from right to left. I love explaining and persuading. What made a difference for me?
To my fellow political liberals, I hope you’ll gain some appreciation for the heart of the religious right, to see that their values are not too different from yours even if they support different policies. Understanding is the first step to convincing.
And to my fellow Christians who are politically conservative, I hope you’ll see that many Democratic policies are still in line with your beliefs, so that you needn’t be afraid of losing your identity if you reach across the aisle.
