10,493 Days

I am afraid

I live in fear

Never safe

Always alone

Safety is illusion

Coldness prevails

Needing warmth

Hugging a cat

Why was it done

What did they get

Who were they

I have names

I hate them all

Every one

All people

Let me down

10,493 days

When does it end

Yes, it really has been that long, 10,493 days with the same thought in my head. Have I gone insane yet? I think maybe I have, I’m just high functioning insanity. I shower, I go to work, I wear clean clothes, I don’t make too many enemies as I go. My bills are paid on time, my yard is mowed semi-regularly. Yes, I managed to buy a house and fix it up. The outside and the inner workings are in fabulous shape, the interior decorating leaves a bit to be desired.

I read this post tonight, written by a girl at Stanford who was raped while unconscious. This is what she said to her attacker after he was found guilty and sentenced to six months in the county jail because the judge didn’t want to unduly impact his life. She’s been living with the impact for a year, with a supportive family and boyfriend. She’s still alone with it even with their support because they have no idea what it’s like to live inside of the body that was violated.

I didn’t get to face my attackers. One was found guilty and the other pled guilty, there may have been a third one who got away with it. I don’t know his name, though I used to. I didn’t find out about his involvement until long after I forgot who he was. I wonder if I could get the information from the OSI, do a FOIA request for the investigation and trials. I heard that he’s a colonel now. He was a hotshot fighter pilot 10,493 days ago.

Where do I go from here? I started writing on that topic a few days ago and couldn’t come up with an answer. Writing about what happens makes my head hurt. Should I write more? Until it doesn’t hurt any more? When will it quit hurting? How many times can I replay it before I am stark, raving, mad? Or until I am stark, raving, sane.

It’s been a litany for 10,493 days inside of my head. I have blogged about it for over five years, the first few years at Open Salon which is now defunct, the last few years at Our Salon and Medium. I’ve even created a Facebook page and I tweet my posts. I’m not even close to being a household name, I haven’t tried very hard because I am afraid. Some of the people I’ve met blogging haven’t been friendly, I’ve gotten a decent number of people asking me why I’m not over it yet. There have been a few who have been vicious and called me a whiny loser for still dwelling on it. After all, I can’t even remember what happened. And there’s always the chance that if I put out too many details, they who did it 10,493 days ago will be able to find me.

I just have nightmares of being trapped in bedrooms. I have flashbacks, the worst one was at physical therapy when I was doing exercises with the stretchy band around my knees and three men were at the table near me doing various exercises against the wall. The most recent flashback involved a cop after a traffic accident. I fear going to bed and have to follow a ritual to get through the anxiety of falling asleep.

I am going to try to be more proactive. I get counseling, so that’s covered. I keep reading how yoga and meditation and exercise are supposed to help settle the brain so I am going to spend the next year working them into a solid part of my routine. I really want to learn martial arts but couldn’t get any of the local centers to call me back. All of the ads were kid centric so that could be why.

Maybe someday I can quit remembering. Going on to 10,494.