I woke up at 3:00 this morning with a panic attack. I don’t have the disabling type where I would feel like I’m having a heart attack, I have the type where I’m scared and shaking. They’re still not something I’d recommend to anybody, and they seem to be gaining in amplitude.

I’ve been thinking about my last post, and I did send a link to my counselor and we talked about it. Last night’s dream had me taking care of horses, and they were lovely. I had three gorgeous mares that I had to put into a paddock; they were a gold palomino, a fiery red flame of a horse, and I can’t remember the third one but I think it was a beautiful gray. I led the gold horse and the other two followed along like David McClain’s horses do. When we got to the paddock, though, there was a glowing white stallion in it, and I couldn’t put the girls in with him as they would have all ended up pregnant. One of them started into the paddock and I had to find a way to stop her. I don’t remember any more after that. There was more to my dreams, a representation of Florida that I’ve dreamt before, the Gulf Coast area where my Grandma used to live only more futuristic and built up than I remember.

I can’t say what I was dreaming when I woke up but I know my mind went straight to places where I feel that I’ve failed in my past, places that I’ve tried to get past but still find myself obsessing, things that don’t deserve this level of obsession. So I picked up my phone and spent 5 hours playing mahjong solitaire to beat the clock. Concentrating on that takes my mind to other places, but doesn’t get anything else done. I spent about 12 hours with it yesterday and woke up guilty over not getting anything done yesterday.

I need to get past this guilt, I need to let it go, move on, get over it. I am wasting my life sitting in my house and wallowing in this depression. I know it won’t be easy, I refuse to use pharmaceuticals though I am going to look into nutriceuticals, and I am going to have to be diligent. Yes, I will slip, I will probably fall flat on my ass but I’ve been there before, it’s just that the time has come to take control. Yes, I’ve said it before. Yes, I may give up again. And yes, I will start over again some day after that. But, one of these times, it has to take.

I got a tarot reading at Llewellyn Worldwide, asking how to get out of the depression, be successful, and accept whatever outcome it leads to. I chose the path to a goal reading. This looks like I could get somewhere nice.

YOUR TAROT READING

ABOUT THE CARDS IN YOUR READING

Page of Pentacles

In the Health position Hidden health; physical and emotional.

Meaning: Proposal. Business communications. Offers of exchange. An enthusiastic young person eager to enter the world of commerce. Good ideas. Young achiever. Reliable, hard worker. Discipline. Focus. Questions. Serious student. Good report. Business sense.

Page of Swords

In the Health position Visible health; physical and emotional.

Meaning: Secrets. Hidden matters. Need for caution. Plots. Sensing undercurrent of dangers afoot. Being privy to confidential matters. Being given inside information and warnings. Spies. A slippery adversary. Infected environment. A philosophy that sanctions unfair practices so long as serving one¹s purpose. Enquiring mind finds lies. Reason to be suspect.

The Magician

In the Attitude position Hidden mental attitude.

Meaning: Talent and intelligence. A higher-comprehending mind. Purpose and skill. Independent thinker. Self-rule. Freedom. A person who is a force of art and creativity. Intuition. An inspiring, powerful voice. Commitment and communication. Eloquence and persuasion. Charm, confidence, and control. Talent that carries responsibility and casts one in an otherworldly light. Leadership and influence. Showmanship and dexterity. An ambiguous card, as the magician is also a trickster, a shadowy ringmaster, and a juggler. The unevolved magician character is a creature of appetite, impulse, and manipulation. Disregard of others and self-aggrandizing behaviour (resembling the rock star gone awry).

Four of Wands — Reversed

In the Attitude position Visible mental attitude.

Meaning: Small, irritating setbacks. Stubborn snags. Lack of outside interest. Progress, but time and effort could be better spent elsewhere. Being caught in a behavioural rut. Sarcasm.

Page of Cups

In the Relationships position Hidden relationships.

Meaning: Good news. Invitation. A cheerful young person with a trusting heart. Optimism. Romantic interest. Imagination. Playfulness. Artistic abilities. Compassion and understanding. Birth of a child. An accommodating, well-mannered soul.

Ace of Wands — Reversed

In the Relationships position Visible relationships.

Meaning: Lack of enthusiasm. Arrested development. The limits of conventional thinking. Oppression. Lack of experience. Apathy. Spiritual malnutrition.

The Tower

In the Career position Hidden career.

Meaning: Destruction. Major change. Unheeded warnings. Greed, pride, arrogance. Revolution. Breakdown or breakthrough‹ the positive or negative implications of the card depend on the querent’s position. If one has been living under oppression, dramatic and possible traumatic change will be freedom, but if one has been living the high life off the toil of others, expect reversal of fortune and loss. Irrepressible tantrum of change. Eruption. Triumph over enslaving, compulsive behaviours such as addiction or obsessive complexes. Collapse of the old system or lifestyle. Destruction of gains made by ill means. Clearing of the air. Cleansing destruction. Change of values.

The Fool

In the Career position Visible career.

Meaning: A beginning. Embarking. Establishing a path. A leap of faith. Venturing off on one’s own. New possibilities. Optimism. Not being limited by previous experience or the opinions of others. An open mind. A break with convention. Nonconformity. Lack of reason. Deliberate ignorance. Folly. Learning through play. Testing and exploring. Acting without a plan. Being open to new experiences. Enthusiasm. Trust. Innocence. Choosing a path that may appear foolish to others. Unrealistic expectations. Being in the present. Uninhibited behaviour. Chasing rainbows. Being blissfully unaware of dangers allows one to reach a higher goal. Or, if aware of the danger, choosing not to let fear hold one back.

Ace of Pentacles

In the Spirit position Hidden spiritual path.

Meaning: You have been given a resource. Use it well and be grateful.

Four of Pentacles — Reversed

In the Spirit position Visible spiritual path.

Meaning: Small gain or gift. Modest ambition. Fussing and fretting over tiny details breeds resentment in the workplace. Overwork and worry. Need to delegate tasks.

Eight of Pentacles

In the Outcome position Outcome of the present path.

Meaning: Employment. Commissions. Schedules and deadlines. Focus. Creative work. Skills and talents put to good use. Knowledge and experience. A large project or business running as a welloiled machine. Maturity of business. Accommodation. Achievement. Success. Income. Finding one¹s niche in life.