A day before THE EXAM
<Late Post. Scheduled date: 3rd Feb 2018>
“I can’t take the portraits you want. It’s an 18–55 lens, I need a prime 50 mm”, I said to her when she got agitated like an innocent child who wasn’t getting what she wanted and didn’t know why. I remember. I remember it all. It has been more than a year but I still remember how it used to feel with her around. I was so fond of her. And now all I have is memories of her, that keep haunting me every day. I knew moving on would be tough, but this level of toughness wasn’t expected.
It’s my exam tomorrow, the one I have been preparing for a year now. And just the day before the exam when I should be revising the key points that would help me in the battle, I am drowning in those memories. Call this my fate or state of mind or whatever, my heart is still trying to find that’s no more there. I don’t know what to do. I want to just rush up and have back in my life, but I know all doors are shut.
Why does it happen to me? Every time in the important moments, she pops up in my head.
I want to go, study, revise, do my last hour thing with full focus but I can’t. I am not able to focus on things. I have become so messy. I shouldn’t even be writing this but this is the only thing I can do to stay sane. Talking to myself won’t help because I know what I’m going to talk. That’s not helping. All I can do is write. I have to let it out in some way or the other.
I feel the burden of my thoughts, lifted after writing. This is nice. This is good. Hey did you know I woke up in the middle of the night, at 4 am just because I had a nice dialogue to convey in a letter to my friend, which I will give him when I gift him a book on physics? That was totally random. Sometimes my mind just makes up scenarios and I go into the character amidst the same. Am I becoming crazy? I feel sometimes that I’m losing my mind. But I don’t do it then I will definitely turn into one.
I wish my brain could just stay calm and accept things they are and not live in the past. Maybe I’m bored. I think I should direct my attention towards notes. And after tomorrow I have to plan my visit to college for the documents. I have too much on my plate to care about, and I’m doing this stupid thing. I feel relaxed now. I shall be going. I have things to do.
