How Striving For Perfection Almost Killed Me.
This is how I lived; from burgers to buns, and buns to none, from ordering medium-rare to rare orders.
I lived in my shadows, constantly fighting the silhouette, making myself known not to the world, but myself. Trying to fight for a place for me, but always defeated by all the ‘me’. I try, but all I could do is cry. On the outside, it seems that this radiance had it all but on the inside, my body was saying something different.
Hi, my name is Yanni and this is the story of how striving for perfection almost killed me.
Well, it took me long enough to decide if I should step out of my comfy zone to speak about my personal issues and I thought, perhaps my story could help anyone who is fighting for a place, a life that truly belongs to him/her. At the age of 13, I was diagnosed with Pneumonia and it was pretty bad, it only gotten worse throughout the month. I’d spend my days playing ‘Hay Day’ and the nights watching Korean dramas. It slowly became a daily routine till I got better. As I was on medication that would stimulate my appetite, I gained tremendous weight after I recovered. I was never bothered by my weight until I turned 15. I was growing to become a teenager who’s constantly conscious about her own body. I started to fast and starve myself in hopes to lose weight. Guess what? I did, and I lost about 20 kilograms. It was really addictive in a sense that I could finally take control of what I ate. Little did I know that this little secret became a habit. It was harmless at first, from losing a little weight to the normal and acceptable range… but when people started complimenting me and noticed the difference, I gave in to their words.
At 2015, I limited myself to eating lunch only, I was fasting for Jubilee, and I thought this could also help me in losing weight. It lasted for months and the numbers decreased. I was really happy.
At 2016, my meals restrictions remained the same throughout the whole year. I only ate lunch, but it could be any food, even fast foods.
At 2017, I was already skinny. As the year went by, I remember restricting myself to even eating one full meal a day, all I ate was some Oreos or any snacks with a glass of milk. There was even a period when I only drank drinks with 0 calorie and if I was feeling happy, i’d treat myself to ice cream. Up till now, I still cannot believe I survived with such little food and nutrients. I was surviving, not living. I’d run around my school and do sit-ups during recess. All I could say is, I lost myself in the process of striving for perfection.
At 2018, I made a promise to my closest friends to start and try eating more than usual, and I did it for the first few months…. only to realise I’ve gained a lil’ weight and hated the way I looked, I started an intermittent fasting when I told everyone else that I could only eat from 1pm to 7pm without them knowing that I’m only eating 1 – 2 breads and a glass of milk a day. I feared going out with my friends, and even overseas. The first few things that came to my mind was, ‘How do I avoid eating?’, ‘I don’t wanna eat’, ‘They’re going to judge me for not eating’. My social circle became smaller. Everyone was worried about me, ‘Please eat more…’, ‘You’re too skinny’, ‘You’re looking very pale’. I felt like a burden and so, I got into therapy but stopped after one session as I was afraid of change; how I’ll look when I’m no longer skinny. Will my friends judge me the way they do at strangers? What if no one talks to me? One thought after another bombarding my mind, making me tremble. I was afraid. My body was slowly dying.
Throughout my journey as an anorexic, the idea of perfection ruled my world. I was not only striving to look ‘perfect’, but everything that I do had to be. I held myself to impossibly high standards. Responsibilities such as work or submissions become overwhelming because my best is not good enough. Perfectionists like myself strive for flawlessness in all parts of life. Mistakes are often considered to be personal failures or deficits instead of a normal part of learning and growing that we all experience.
However, everything changed right at the point when I looked into my Grandfather’s eyes, I could feel the pain in his eyes. I could hear his heart breaking into pieces. I realised perfection is never achieved, no matter what it is, it could always be better. I had been living in disappointment and being ungrateful for the blessings right in front of me. It took me away from the moment because my focus is on the future, when things will be perfect.
Till today, I am still making progress. I’ve learned that self-love and self-acceptance are incongruent with perfectionism. When a person accepts themselves for their strengths and weaknesses, they realised that we are all human. We can accept our imperfections and improve one small step at a time, realising we are trying for progress not protectionism. We acknowledge our vulnerabilities and see where we need to grow. I believe the world is in such a mess right now because people are loving others as they love themselves. With eating disorder recovery, self-love is one of the most crucial parts for a lasting recovery. When a person can let love in, they have love to give to others. They can only give what they have inside. Overcoming perfectionism means being authentic, real and expressing love.
To everyone out there who’s just like me, please know that you’re worth so much more than you think. You are beautiful the way you are. Just know that you’re not alone in this race, I am here with you. We’re gonna cross that finish line together. It’s good enough to know you’re making progress! Till next time, adiós.
