Autism and Ghosting
Navigating complicated social dynamics and building connections that last
The collective experience of those in the autism community informs us that there is a certain amount of wisdom in seeing the disability community from a tribal perspective. Only fellow autistics can commiserate with one another about certain life events that someone with degrees in psychiatry or neuropsychology who thinks they understand autism well would fail to grasp. It’s not for nothing that the man who wrote the definitive book about neurodiversity, Steve Silberman, chose to entitle it “Neurotribes.” Steve is not autistic, of course, and he would not claim to speak for us, though he does try to amplify our voices. But coming from his background as a Jewish, LGBTQIA+ minority, Steve sees similarities between the outsider status of these identities and being neurodiverse.
But don’t let this fool you: Just because autistic people may better understand each other’s experiences doesn’t mean we all can sing Kumbaya and be best friends. This hidden and almost unspoken expectation may be problematic for some if it places an undue and unrealistic burden on autistic people that cannot be fulfilled while lowering one’s ability to set reasonable and healthy boundaries. Just because I am Jewish does not mean I want to be friends with all Jewish people, nor would all Jewish people want to be my friends either.
Goodness of fit
There’s a statistical model in mathematics known as The Goodness of Fit. If you want me to explain how it works, tough luck. I failed most math courses I ever took. But I can explain what the term means when applied to psychology.
When speaking of Goodness of Fit as it applies to the psychology of friendships, we are referring to how well two individuals’ personalities, interests, values, and life circumstances align with each other, influencing the success and quality of their friendships. The Goodness of fit concept is based on the idea that specific characteristics, when shared between friends, can lead to a more harmonious and enduring relationship.
For a friendship to form among neurotypicals or the neurodivergent, there have to be some necessary ingredients that emerge over time. Are the two people compatible? If one is an extreme extrovert and the other is an introvert, can the friendship sustain itself — even as opposites supposedly attract? If one needs constant companionship and the other only occasionally likes to talk or venture out, how will that square itself in the long term? As we know, these variations in personality are present among people on the autism spectrum.
Then, there are shared interests or lack of interests. It’s beautiful when autistic individuals meet with the same passions. Some of the most intimate friendships form when people have topics they can discuss endlessly. But a particular friendship may be more challenging without a standard set of interests both parties are passionate about. If all you like to talk about are the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and I would instead focus on other things, then the friendship probably is not going anywhere fast. Or if you want to talk all day about the periodic table of elements, I will probably want to take a pass. You may also want to take a pass if I am rattling off a bunch of facts about game shows from the 1970s, which I have been known to do.
Then, there are differences in emotional styles and social needs, even among autistic people. As noted, some autistic people may want to go out and socialize more than others. Some may be sensitive to rejection and feel not getting an immediate phone call or email back is a sign of rejection. In contrast, the other autistic person might just be overwhelmed and can not communicate at that moment.
Then, there is conflict resolution. Every friendship will go through its share of conflicts. And every successful friendship has to be able to navigate through them. If conflict resolution is not possible due to two different communication styles, as can happen for both neurotypical and autistic individuals, then the friendship is doomed.
Ghosting
I have had autistic friends who have ghosted me. I’ve also had neurotypical friends who have ghosted me. It never feels good, leading to confusion, wonder, and worry, but I have overcome it. On the contrary, certain autistic people wanted or want to be friends with me when that is not my particular preference.
Let me be clear: Ghosting someone is not something I recommend doing to another person, autistic or otherwise. It creates confusion for the other individual, which can lead to traumatic symptoms due to the uncertainty of them not knowing what they did. On the other hand, there’s no sacred commandment that says one autistic person must be friends with another. No one has the right to demand that of you as a ransom just because you are both autistic, especially if there is no essential goodness of fit. The difficulty lies in knowing that the person you do not want to be friends with may be particularly vulnerable in their handling of perceived or actual rejection because of their neurotype.
The easiest trap you will probably feel tempted to fall into is giving the other person “hints” and expecting them to pick up on it. This is called “caspering” because Casper was friendly. But think about that: If you are dealing with another autistic person, that probably will not work, as picking up on hints is not a strong suit. I, myself, am not great at doing detective work when people are acting passive aggressively toward me. So why should I expect that of others who have the same challenges?
But when the shit hits the fan, it seems too hard to say to that person…”Look, I like you, but I don’t want to be friends with you.” It feels cold, almost heartless. This is why we ghost people, so we don’t have to say those words. It’s the easy way out.
What’s the alternative?
I recommend doing one of two things in a situation like this: If you think not being friends with this person would be too devastating for them, set boundaries. You can be their acquaintance and offer them a listening ear without committing to a full friendship. If the other person seems okay with this unspoken arrangement, let sleeping dogs lie.
But if this person will not respect your boundaries and is someone you genuinely don’t forsee as someone you want to deal with, you have the right to be honest with them compassionately. An imperfect solution is that you can say you are going through a period of burnout and exhaustion and are choosing to use this opportunity for personal self-care. Statements like that might seem tempting, but the problem is the other person will likely contact you to see when you are not burned out anymore. Unfortunately, there is really no “nice” way to go through with a situation like this.
In cases like this, be compassionate but direct. Explain that you have enjoyed getting to know the person, but your interests and personalities differ, and you might not be the best match. It does not matter if the other person disagrees with you. These are your feelings, and they are valid. If they are upset by what you have said, be compassionate and understanding because you would feel the same way. Being upset is their right, as you know it was not your intention to hurt them, but predictably, any form of rejection will hurt someone else. You can say…”I understand how you might think I’m a jerk. I get it. It is not my intention to hurt you, and as I said, I enjoyed getting to know you over the past several days, weeks, months, or even years.” Reiterate your position that it is essential to be honest about how you feel regarding the situation and that your intent is not to hurt their feelings. And then stop. Don’t overjustify and explain after that. Allow for a cool-down or simmering period to begin. Be compassionate with yourself, and remember that you were kind and considerate and did not take the easy way out while still taking care of yourself in the process. The more you indulge the other person after you have brought about closure in the most respectful way possible, the more you leave the door open for them to misunderstand and trespass on your boundaries.
Wrapping it up
For those of us on the autism spectrum, navigating the complexities of friendship and social interaction presents unique challenges and opportunities. ‘Goodness of Fit’ is particularly relevant in our context. It reminds us that successful relationships are not solely based on shared neurodiversity but on a deeper alignment of interests, values, and emotional needs. This understanding is crucial as we build meaningful connections within and beyond our community.
The distinctive communication styles and social nuances of the autism spectrum add layers to friendship. Recognizing the necessity for mutual understanding and respect in these relationships is vital in all relationships. As individuals on the spectrum, we often seek a balance between shared experiences and individual preferences, highlighting the importance of connection and personal space.
Addressing the issue of ghosting, a familiar yet challenging aspect of social interaction, it’s imperative to advocate for honest and transparent communication. Try not to ghost others if you can help it, and if someone ghosts you, try to find strength in your current circle of support. While avoiding confrontation might seem more manageable, it can lead to confusion and hurt for everyone involved. Approaching these situations with honesty and compassion is respectful and aligns with our need for clear and straightforward communication.
