I Know Why There Are More Women Autistic Self-Advocates Than Men
The reason is exactly what you think it is.
If you believe all the research, autistic men outnumber women. But one place this is not true is in the space of self-advocacy. Just take a brief look around on Medium. Notice it the next time you go to an autism conference. Men are outnumbered. This has always been the case since I began advocacy efforts in 2005; it’s not a new trend in the neurodiverse landscape. Not by a long shot.
In the space of self-advocacy, women, nonbinary people, and LGBTQ individuals are the majority.
As a man, I think that’s pretty cool, actually.
Matriarchy rules!
I mean, again, look around. Male egos are destroying the world. We are not in the age of Catherine the Great or Cleopatra anymore. Most of the fascist, oppressive, and egomaniacal leaders of countries on planet Earth today are male. This is not to say you will not find women who are QAnon adherents or believe some crazy things, such as Moms for Liberty, and it’s not to say that there aren’t some women who believe in Jewish Space Lasers. But at present, men are the presidents and prime ministers, and boy, it’s a shit show.
Before the age of patriarchy, it can be argued the world was a more peaceful, harmonious place. But once we decided to centralize power in Egypt and Mesopotamia with the formation of city-states, we concentrated rule in the hands of male leaders and elites. Then, we solidified this stranglehold with the Code of Hammurabi and the warrior God of the Israelites, Yahweh, who singlehandedly executed judgments against nations he viewed as a scourge. We on earth have upheld this Warrior-God-like mentality with dastardly events like the Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials — an effort to suppress the sexuality of women. We’ve never changed course in thousands of years since. Today, in the West, God is unquestionably male to most believers. Divine male judgment reigns; any deviation from this is seen as decay.
At the same time, something bothers me about the fact that there are only so many male self-advocates. Not from the standpoint of pushing men to do something they are uncomfortable doing. It’s not a personal judgment, but as I see it, a societal symptom.
Toxic masculinity
Toxic masculinity has infected this space and keeps away male advocates. This is my thesis.
I start with this baseline premise because it’s long been true of depression, where men are reluctant to talk about it. There’s even a book entitled “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” and in quoting from it, Terrence Real says…
If overtly depressed men are paralyzed, men who are covertly depressed, as I was, cannot stand still. They run, desperately trying to outdistance shame by medicating their pain, pumping up their tenuous self-esteem, or, if all else fails, inflicting their torture on others.
So, in other words, women, by and large, talk about their depression. Many men don’t and let that depression eat them alive.
But why? Why don’t men want to talk about it?
Sadly, we still see showing one’s vulnerability to the public as decidedly feminine. “Feminine” people are not afraid to express their emotions, challenge masculine norms, appear vulnerable if they are feeling that way, etc. Men have been taught not to express these qualities. This is inculcated from an incredibly early age when “sissy” boys were made fun of for the most childish things, such as liking classical music or enjoying quiet time while sipping tea. We view masculine behaviors as not showing emotions, being hyper-competitive, displaying self-reliance, and even aggression to show who is alpha. Society tells men it’s weak to ask others for help (unmasculine), weak to be stigmatized in any way, weak not to show strength at all times, and weak to seek support (real men would figure it out on their own).
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
While women undoubtedly have a unique set of challenges associated with being autistic, those above are more applicable to men.
Moving forward
I can’t say I have any easy solutions moving forward. Everything we write leaves footprints online. Any advocacy that is done is public. Employers do background checks and scout a perspective employee’s social media. Even though it’s illegal to discriminate against disabled employees, we all know they can do so with enough plausible deniability. We live in the real world, not in an ideal world. Men understandably want to be successful and, paradoxically, think that showing weakness in any way, shape, or form will stymie their success.
But the only way to move forward is to push back against what is “real” now and try to create a new reality as best as possible.
For starters, I suggest that men on the spectrum find role models and take inspiration from them. Folks like John Elder Robison, Stephen Shore, Tim Page, James Durbin, and Anthony Hopkins. They are out there but in smaller numbers. See what you admire about them and find ways to emulate them regarding how you advocate for yourself daily. What I am saying is not that you have to become famous and write books, make music, or become an Academy Award-winning actor. No. Find ways to draw from their example and be proud of having a neurological difference common to humanity.
Small things can make a difference. Journaling, taking time to meditate, having a group of one or two men with whom you feel comfortable talking about things that run beneath the surface. These are ways to cut beyond the toxic masculinity paradigm that disability culture finds itself in. You don’t have to go out and run a marathon. It’s the little things.
A dream
As the sun sets on another day, casting long shadows over the bustling streets, we reflect on the journey of men on the autism spectrum. In a world that often misunderstands and sidelines them, these men stand at a crossroads, poised to forge a new path. And you may be one of them.
They find strength in the quiet corners of their spaces, away from the clamor of societal expectations. They are the thinkers, the dreamers, the silent warriors who face each day with a courage that often goes unnoticed. Their battles are not always visible, and their victories are not always celebrated, but in their steadfast resilience, there is an undeniable power.
And as the first light of dawn breaks the horizon, it brings with it the hope of a new day. A day where men on the autism spectrum step out of the shadows and into a world that is finally ready to listen, learn, and embrace the full spectrum of humanity.
