Note: The goal of this piece is to allow women a window into the mind of a man — so that you the reader may partake in the thought pattern of somebody as this hot-as-fuck act takes place. The notion idea of this series of pieces is to help you to understand what is going through our heads during certain very intimate acts, like eating pussy or fingering a woman, or anal or vaginal penetration, phone sex, and other topics. I especially explore the thoughts that come to us during the moment while the act is taking place. These will be titled here as One Man’s Perspective: <insert tasty sin here>.
This is part of the series titled One Man’s Perspective.
Alrighty! Butt sex. Why do I feel like a teenage boy all of a sudden when I talk about anal? Mr. Advice Column on female orgasms and D/s sex, suddenly turning into a child when we dive into the…well…when we dive into the butthole.
See what I mean? I can barely do this without fighting the desire to giggle like an idiot. Well, have no fear — I will hold it together the best I can to make sure this butt sex fucky-fucky instructional op-ed actually has some good nuggets of information (poor choice of words), once it is all said and done.
Well then. Ready? Let's go crush this butt. Are you with me? Great.
Now I know some of you ladies are all “no way” and some of you are all like “yeah way” when it comes to anal sex. Please table the Hemingway references for later. We don’t have time for your sarcasm Miss Touchy — we are gonna dive deep and hard, smashing right into the highly-sensitive topic of butt jamming, pulverizing the delicate topic with no regard for tomorrow.
Sounds hot, doesn’t it? What, no?
Shoosh now. I know you meant “Thank You”, so you are very welcome, Miss.
Now before some of you give me your opinion of how I am wrong about certain aspects of accomplishing anal sex in a way that is good for both parties, I think it is important that you consider this — I am only speaking for the rest of the world who isn’t you. And nobody wants to hear your dumb opinion anyways.
Now that we have that all settled, let’s go gangbusters on the ass basket. Really give it a good dive, penetrating it hard and rough and with no care for the…
These innuendos are beginning to make me cringe.
So let’s cover the big topics, one by one. First up…
Lube vs Saliva. Now some of you may not remember the landmark court case of Lube v. Saliva all that well, so I will remind you — Lube won 5 to 4.
Yep, if given the option, my opinion is you should always side with “what feels best for her” — and some watery Rocky Mountain spit isn’t doing a damn thing for her but hurting her after the tenth thrust. So, just come prepared with some lube and her memory of your behemoth flesh monster may be one that brings a smile and not a recoil.
Now for the “Perspective” part — you know, what’s actually going on inside my mind is that I try — or we, as men all should try — to make this lubrication transition unspoken during the moment. So, you should have that lube out of sight of her, while you are eating her pussy or fingering her, and you slip it into your hand unbeknownst to her. She doesn’t need to think about it — it takes away from her experience you are busy fucking around with the lube, so keep it low and keep it quiet.
The main reason is this? I never want to take away from the experience of her pleasure, so I am the only one even aware of the lube. I get sticky lube hands and plastic wrapper peeling memories — she gets “oh damn, this feels good.” Real men know this thought and mental process all too well — boys, they are wondering WTF right now. Actually, boys are probably playing Xbox and not reading this, to begin with.
Now, there is the only time when spit beats lube, and that is, in that “in the moment” anal, where you don’t have the decision and it is all passion driving you. If so, you have to dig deep for that thick spit or you are practically a sadist. This is the only time spit beats lube
In fact, it was what ended up being the foundation in the closing arguments in Lube v. Spit.
Ease Up, Geronimo. The biggest stupid move I hear from the Miss Touchy Demographic who frequent my blog is that of a horror story that makes The Exorcist feel like a fucking Disney movie. It’s how some overzealous moron with a Y-Chromosome treated her ass like a wet pussy. Starting off hard and fast like a complete idiot, just pounding away from the get-go. Trying to prove he is “all man” or something, while he got to enjoy the tightness of her, all while she is sitting there trying her best to not cry and ignore the notion that “holy fuck this hurts so fucking bad! What I am doing? This guy is fucking an idiot.” Meanwhile, Sir Adam’s Apple is just fucking clueless that the woman he is having sex with is coming to the conclusion that he just sucks in bed.
Nope. Take it slow with anal and properly lube.
So like the old adage, which I just made up, goes: Slow, Pressure, Wait, Pressure, Pop, Wait, Wait, Slow, Push, Hold, Then Slowly At First. I know that is a lot to remember; it may help to remember it as the acronym SPWPPWWSPHTS. Ok, but seriously though — you should ease in and let her adjust to you. Take it slow and ease in and eventually, the pace will naturally pick up, at a gradual speed that is good for her.
Anyways, nice and easy wins the race, at least at the beginning so for fuck’s sake — literally — for the sake of fuck — buttfuck to be more specific — let her ass adjust to you and then gradually pick up the pace.
How is this not obvious?
Ass Foreplay. Sorry, I left my sympathy on the dresser this morning. I really don’t give a fuck if you can’t get past this mental barrier of playing with or eating ass. To run your tongue along a woman’s sweet little rosebud is a joy, and it is my opinion that you really should embrace it. It feels amazing to her and if something is going to up my standing in her memory book of men she had sex with, then I am doing it, whatever “it” is (obviously, unless it involves my butthole).
Just kidding. Maybe.
(Author takes a break from writing the instructional anal piece to put vibrating butt plug away).
Anyways, just man the fuck up, push those sexy little ass cheeks aside, live a little, and break down that little sexy lady’s ass like a man. Personally, my mindset is a fucking blur when I get here. My eyes are on her and she is getting a tickle like no other, so this is when bringing her clit or G spot into play when you tongue her ass is great, and she’ll shoot into the stratosphere.
Finger her ass too, especially before penetration. It helps to get her prepared for the main event so you can go Geronimo much sooner and you get to hear those sweet beautiful words sooner.
Those sweet words of course being, “Fuck my ass harder now”, to which I retort, “I got you, Kitten.”
The Mindfuck. Well, there is bad anal, good anal, and great fucking anal. This is where good anal goes to “holy fucking hell I want to marry this guy” kind of anal. Good anal, in and of itself, is well — good anal. I want the anal sex I give to a woman to make her want to introduce me to her parents.
Yep, I want more than to be remembered as merely good. I want her to lose her mind from the moment I kiss her until the moment I put her head on my chest — so I up my game.
I tell myself in the moments when I’m inside her that there is always something more I can do.
Yes little lady, there always is. There always is.
So, I reach into the recesses of my mind while I see her in bliss and stuff two fingers inside her pussy and motion “come here, Kitten, I got something for ya” right up inside her, and I feel her wetness flood my masculine hands with my hard cock filling her ass.
I do so long enough to wipe her out and then I wipe her out again.
Next, like Future in 8 Mile, I tell myself “DJ, Spin That Shit”, and I mix a record across her clit and watch her flip the fuck out yet once again, but in a whole new way and pretty soon I just made “Miss No Way” joins the club of girls who absolutely love anal sex — you know, those girls that you hear about that just love butt sex. Wedding bells are ringing for Miss Lose Her Mind.
Step into my world Kitty Cat and you’ll be singing a different tune as I change your perception of why anal is fucking amazing when done right.
And “Done Right”, is my only way, so just lean back and let run your world.
The Obligation. Now, for you ladies. What? You didn’t think that you get to walk away from this “How To” extravaganza that is all set up to make you feel amazing, free and clear of obligation, did you?
You have a responsibility as my first mate of the SS Buttsex — and that responsibility sailor — is to keep the poop deck clean. Didn’t want to hear that? Oh well. Guys don’t want to hear they suck at eating pussy but they should still hear it, wouldn’t you agree? So let’s play grown-up for a moment and talk a little about what the hell you should do so I am dry heaving when we cross this line.
Good thing for you, it really is almost nothing at all. Most people worry about this more than they need to and a little anatomy lesson and a baby wipe should set your mind at ease.
God, I hate talking about poop. I mean, I really really hate it.
Eh. Anyways…guess I have to now. First up, maybe learn a thing or two about butt anatomy for starters. I can’t write about “this shit” without giving myself the willies, so I just pulled an excerpt that says what I’d say from the link above. Thank God for copy and paste.
“Let’s start with an anatomy lesson. The rectum and anal canal, which is where you’re heading if you’re having anal sex, are passageways, not storage areas. This is not where feces are stored (that’s higher up). If you’ve had a healthy bowel movement that day and you do a little external wash up (maybe put your finger inside your anus a little way while your washing), there shouldn’t be more than minute fecal matter in your rectum.”
So, there we have it. Butt Sex 101. You are welcome.