— a short non-fiction of potpourris.
Aren’t we all?
This is the last time I’ll ever talk about you like this.
I waited for you.
Like a fool, I waited for you.
I waited for your reply, for hours on end sometimes. I waited for your return, and I act as if you never left. I waited to see whether you’d open up to me, as I gave away my all until it corrupted my core. Not a day goes by that I don’t have you fixated on my mind like the prescriptions I could never get enough on. The ticks of each passing second, the dullness of the air, the tears I’ve been saving for the great pain of you not returning — they’re the company I’ve been keeping as I wait
for an answer,
for some form of decency,
for a conviction even.
I waited for you like a fool,
because I thought you love fools.
Because she is one, isn’t she?
She’s the prettiest fool you’ve ever seen. She’s the kindest fool, the smartest too in your head. Smarter than me, prettier than me, simply her existing is more than me. The most perfect fool whose flaws are yours to love, isn’t she not?
You burn different as she walks in the room, even when you know she’s not here for you. Your smile fades when you know her love grows for someone else — just how mine fades because of you. She acts like the fool she is, because she knows she’s got you entwined. But you can never see that. Because you too, are one.
I waited for a fool who’s waiting for the pretty fool, and we all live in an enclosed, thorny loop of a never-ending pain where I’m exactly in the middle.
I tried to tell you what she is. When you wouldn’t accept the truth, I swallowed my pride and moved mountains for your happiness. Yes, I was the bigger fool when I helped you with her, sacrificing the only hope I have of being with you. I was too naive for wanting you to be happy, whilst I was killing myself in the process. I wish you knew, but even if I tell you there’s no way you’d listen.
Not a day goes by that you don’t burn within me, leaving scars all over the place. Not a day goes by where I don’t want to know how the world was unkind to you when I know it’s just another rough day. Not a day goes by where I don’t fear for you while you’re god knows where. Not a day goes by where I don’t picture us in a different state because in another universe, I’d love for us to work.
In another universe, I’d love to sit across the kitchen table and go over the grocery list with you. In another universe, I’d love to cook whilst you clean and we’d take turns every other night in between. I’d run my hands through your hair while I talk nonsense, and we’ll laugh at the fights you had throughout high school. I’d love to have no doubts even when you’re not here, but most importantly I’d love to keep you near.
I’d love to be here, there, and everywhere,
to stay exactly where nobody can deny there’s something between us.
I want you everywhere
and if you’re beside me, I’d hold time still so that I can keep you for life.
I’d watch your eyes like the stars they are,
hoping I’m always there.
You’re a fool,
who loves another fool,
and though I’m not the fool you’re looking for,
I love you still.
