I Found Heaven in His Cock: Lines of Truth from My Journal
From Truth Telling: Lines from My Diaries
June 14, 2023
Heaven in his cock. Yes, I said, “Heaven in his cock.” Let me tell you, now, the story of this day, wherein I came to seek out heaven within the marriage bed during whole intercourse with my husband. Now, I have a challenge with seeking out the lowest parts of my husband, and this is mainly a function of my egoic desire to hone in on flaws within him that repulse me. Why is this a pattern of mine, you might wonder, and why do I continue to live this pattern, if I know of the ways in which it might give rise to hurt and discomfort, not only for him, but also for me? What is the point of seeking out the ugly in he who I call, Love? That is a bondage that I am seeking to undo, and one way to undo this bondage is to remember the vow I made to him on our wedding day, which is to seek out the most brilliant parts of him and reflect them back to him. I have promised him this — within Christ, before our loved ones, and before him, in honor of cultivating love’s perspective within our marriage, so that our marriage may be strong.
What is love’s perspective? Love’s perspective is the vision that comes out of contentiously seeing another with the heart — choosing to see not only that which is unlighted, but also determinately seeking out and choosing to focus on that which is of Light in the other. Love’s sight is not blind; that so-called attribute of love is not truly of Whole Love. Love’s sight is whole; it chooses to see the whole truth of this human existence, both the shadow of Life-in-form and the light of Love-in-form. The truth of my experience is this: I have, many times over, sought out the shadow in the man who has now become my husband. It is not that I am decisively attracted to the darkness that exists in this human experience; my pain, my insecurities, my fragments, unbeknownst to me in the moment of their emergence, seek out reflections of their existence in others. It is true that my trauma emerges to attract more of itself, and if I am not truthful in my acknowledgement of this phenomenon, I, at this point in my development of awareness of light and shadow, willingly allow blindness to make pathways for me that give birth to mystery and obscenity.
Sex has been a source of much pain for me. It has given rise to endings of life that have come into this world through my womb. It has been the festering place of disease. It has stifled joy and propagated fear. It has bred hatred of those bearing cocks. It has been used against me to suppress me, binding me to soul contracts that are not of Love. It has been the black magic that has arrested my soul. It has cursed the fruits of my womb so that they are rotted before being born unto this earth. It has been a battlefield — the place of war, waged beyond my own will, on the authority given to me, by Love, to bear forth wisdom of the womb. It has been the reason for deaths in many, many lifetimes.
Sex is no longer, however, the mark of curses. The corruption of sex has been undone by the light of healing within my soul’s walk. My husband and I have walked many lifetimes together, and this is the one wherein we are learning to walk in depths of freedom, so that marriage is but a portal, by way of commitment, to expressions of love that birth freedom. Marriage as a portal to the freedom born of love, within the context of whole love, leads to expressions of love in intercourse. From this place of exploration, love emerges as a source-point of freedom that can be revealed during the journey of intercourse that takes place within the field of promise — promise to explore one another in light, while not avoiding sight of each other’s walk with unlightedness (in this world wherein both experiences of lightedness and unlightedness exist nearly side by side).
Here in the land of my husband’s origins, the island of Sicily, we are coming to know the existence of God within each other. What better place to do so immediately after marrying, during our honeymoon, than in the land of those grand mothers and grand fathers that have made way for his entry into flesh within this specific incarnation of selfhood! There has been great dissatisfaction between us while exploring unmarried intercourse; yes, it is true that the great many of these interruptions were, by large, the outcomes of the unhealed trauma that I have previously made mention of. We made it our mission to overcome these pains, and in honoring this mission, we decided to help each other by way of both committing to a joint healing practice and making way for each other to further the individual growth journey that we each had begun prior to entering into community with one another. It is just now, in our near eight-year walk in flesh together, that we are coming to eat of the sweetness of the healing that we, both individually and in togetherness, called toward us in truth. It is not in the name of the antichrist movement that we have sought out the God in one another. Rather, it is in Christ — the wholly heart connection to all there is in truth — that we have sought out the Source of Love within one another.
If Love exists within my husband, am I not to seek it out? If God is Love, then am I not to seek out God within my husband? I am coming to know God by seeking it out in all of Life, and wherever I seek out God — the Whole Heart of Love — therein I find heaven or the being state of Love. So, I tell you this: on this day I sought out God in my husband during intercourse with him, and therein I saw love. And when I saw love and invited it in, I made entryway into heaven. There is no antichrist context here, for does not Christ call us into heaven, for wherever there is love, there shall be God? And wherever there is God, there, too, shall be heaven. I went into heaven today, and the golden gate was none other than my husband’s cock.
© Laquanique Louise Esposito aka L.L.E. or Esposito One Love, 2023. All Rights Reserved.
