I Had A Spiritual Experience!!
And it was not for good
I felt there was a threat to my mom’s life through some subtle signs nature had been presenting to me. Yet, I could not do anything and the inevitable happened.
I recently lost her. She was 79. I knew this was to happen sometime or later as she was aged and had begun to show age related deteriorations for some time due to prolonged diabetes and severe osteoporosis. But then she had been a fighter always, An Ex Army-welfare officer, a famous School Principal always ready to help the needy and of course, a tough medical survivor. She walked with a stick post stroke with no other major problems. Defeated the complicated hip fracture to get back on her feet again. So somehow her undying fighter spirit made me assume she would stay with us longer.
I am not in so much grief as much as the helplessness and guilty feeling of not been able to help more even when I sensed spiritually something bad was going to happen.
It all started four months back. My Mom usually stayed with my elder brother in another city. Post Covid me and my other brother had been trying to get her here to our city since it was almost 2 and 1/2 years last she gave a visit. Finally, her ticket was booked for September first week. However, just a day before her trip she fell near a temple of her apartment, though managed to come upstairs all by herself. She was so eager to come and stay with us that apparently a few days back to her trip, she simply announced to everyone at home that now she would stay with her daughter and son in Pune and won’t come back again.
She never said this before.Hearing this, my heart just skipped a beat.
Meanwhile, I was trying to get her a caretaker but was told by the agency that since the owner died for which the caretaker was working, she is not in the mood for another job soon. It felt a bit strange and unusual to me.
She had no swelling anywhere and was determined to come, so she simply took painkillers, and came to Pune by flight with my brother. In a week she started walking again on a walker after a good care regime by the newly arranged caretaker. However, one day morning she fell in the bathroom and got her hand fractured.
Post this, we observed she could not take her full-body weight on her legs. We decided to take her to the Doctor. But destiny had its other plans to scare me further.
On the fateful day of 16th October (It was religiously sacred as the first day of goddess Durga) I prayed to grant the best of health and happiness to Mom and lighted up a Diya (sort of candle). After I finished my prayer, I do not know how, but suddenly, I slipped from the Sofa I was sitting on, and Diya’s light went off.
I was scared a lot as this is considered a bad omen in our religion, nevertheless I light it up again and got busy with my daily rituals. In the evening, Mom’s caretaker informed that while trying to make Mom sit on the sofa, she fell on her.
Scary feelings groped me and I felt it was not just a coincidence.
The next day we saw she could not get herself out of bed. Her ulcers went bad, and she coughed blood in vomit. She had problems in talking and was shaky. I feared the signs and took every care to treat her, including home physician visit for advice, ECG taken which was normal, changed medications for ulcer. She even got bed sore which was caught in the early stages and the good care eventually made it finally disappear.
Slowly she was better, talking and eating fine and all was back to normalcy. I felt a sigh of relief and thought that the bad to happen is passed.
I was wrong. She still could not walk, and the investigation revealed she had got a pelvis fracture. The next whole month was spent in managing her new bed sores, which still were cured through hard efforts. She wore diapers all the time as she had lost the urination sense due to pelvis fracture. Every time I tried to arrange a physio for her rehabilitation program, some or the other problem would pop up, and it kept getting delayed.
Meanwhile, I would always try to motivate Mom saying she is yet to visit my home so she must get better, but instead she would quietly signal me her plans to go for the heavenly journey.
By the start of December, finally a Physio gave her first visit. She was good, Mom was comfortable with her too. She was confident that mom would walk again with support very soon. We were delighted.
And then the unwanted happened. Mom complained of severe pains below the abdomen and had pains in passing urine, indicating a urinary tract infection. I consulted the physician in a day and we started the broad-spectrum antibiotic. However, antibiotics turned out to be terrible for her ulcers and despite a good antacid regime, Mom vomited along with loose stools. She slowly began to lose her alertness levels, and the blood tests showed lowered sodium levels. We discussed hospitalizing her and the reports were shared with the concerned Doctor. I monitored her blood pressure and oxygen saturation levels, both were under normal limits, giving us hope that Mom would reach the hospital soon. I asked my brother to call the ambulance and told him that I would directly reach the hospital and left for home in rush.
Once I reached home, I got the panicked call from my brother that Mom was suddenly breathless and in too much pain. Her oxygen levels had dropped drastically when they were normal about an hour back. By the time ambulance could reach, Mom had gone forever leaving us weeping. She had caught Sepsis, and lowered sodium levels was simply a side effect of the deadly blood infection.
I have never felt this helpless and numb feeling in my life ever before. The grief of losing a beloved parent is already too much to handle, then coupled with the helplessness of not able to do anything despite sensing the inevitable. I am having sleepless night and days and feel God purpose fully showed me the signs to simply test my will in saving Mom’s life??
I may be wrong, but my peace of mind is shattered now.
Every broken piece of my heart cries for her, her memories may be alive but her touch and presence is gone for forever, and this is very disheartening. The only comfort I get in this grief is a consoling thought that I could be with her every day for the last three months and could take care of her. I hope she is in a better world now and would bless me again in my next birth with her motherly love.
Shall miss her forever!!
- ***********Prayer for peace******************
- https://beatanxietypositively.blogspot.com
Thanks for reading, the writing has been therapeutic for me.
