— moment of truth.
I’ll keep you safe.
Even from me.
She never noticed anyone for she was hardly noticeable herself. It all changed when she felt his soft, accidental graze as he offered her his help.
The games we played during our last day of orientation were rather mundane. I didn’t hate them, but I didn’t want to be there either. However, without that day, I wouldn’t have had the chance to truly see you — your eyes, in particular. Up until then, we had a month’s worth of classes together, but I hardly noticed a thing about you. I truly don’t have any memory of it. But on that day, I felt time freeze when your gleaming earthy-brown eyes met mine. I didn’t know it then, but my world would change for the next 4.5 years.
As quickly as lightning would startle, my world made sense when it wasn’t even close to making sense. I found myself infatuated with a new kind of happiness, with you at its core. Everything felt warm, joyous, and for once, I felt content — like all the missing puzzle pieces I had been searching for were finally in front of me. But most importantly, it felt like all the prayers I had begged for — even the ones I had only thought about — were answered. Everything felt right.
Suddenly, all the biblical nonsense that Alex Turner wrote about didn’t seem so nonsensical anymore.
As days passed, I began to feel the warmth of home, the thing I’ve longed for the most. I kept discovering new favourite things about life, such as the feeling of your somewhat thorny hair, the joy of the lo-fi music you introduced me to, the satisfaction of sharing experiences with you, and the sense of being useful when I helped you through your heartbreak. You were struggling to stay afloat, and in between, you made me feel wanted. But, most importantly, you made me feel like I was actually needed — something I hadn’t felt in a while. I never told you, but that saved me.
We really did go everywhere together, huh? Four countries and I forgot how many cities later, I couldn’t believe you were mine. You were this magnetic being whose thoughts ran ceaselessly with ideas, while mine were clouded with the intention of ending my life. You held my hand and pulled me out, in ways that were rather hurtful at the time — but I’m thankful for it now. You saw through my past, and suddenly I was above it. I was on top of the world, and I have you to thank for getting me there in the first place. I prayed for a friend, but I got so much more.
I remember everything about you, even now. I remember the thing I hated the most at the time was turning off your alarm. I still remember what song it was: I’m Sorry by Swell. It wasn’t just because I hated getting out of bed, but also because I hated the feeling of cutting our time short. What I never told you before is that whenever you woke me from your twitching, I used to lie awake for a bit and just stare at you. How perfect you were, with all your scars, wrinkles, and bushy eyebrows. I remember one morning when we were awake but couldn’t bring ourselves to get out of our friend’s sofabed. I remember seeing the best sunrise Jakarta had to offer, and the way you slowly reached for my hand. You had your eyes on me while I struggled to meet yours. You said, ‘I wish this would never end.’
‘I wish I could just stay here.’
I also remember the time when you had trouble sleeping for weeks, and you once said that sleeping with me actually helped. You know, when you said that, something in me shifted. From that moment on, I always felt the need to save you, to heal you, to keep you safe in these arms of mine.
We’ve grown together, and we paid such a huge price for it.
Our growth was necessary, but I failed you. I felt us drifting apart, I felt hate toward your past — something you can no longer control, and I felt alone. Most of the time, I found myself missing you, but I looked for everything else except you. I wanted you to have your own pursuits, to fight for your brightest days ahead, and most days, I hated being a burden. I thought I was strong enough for both of us, but I was wrong. I’m sorry.
From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry.
I refuse to dwell on the things that went wrong between us, but I want you to know that I am aware. I’ve had my own share of pain that I’ve inflicted on you, and I’m sorry for all the times when you were hurting. I’m sorry that I couldn’t take the pain away, even the ones I’ve caused. I’m sorry for every tear, I’m sorry for every time you felt invisible. I wish I could trust every ‘I love you,’ I wish I wasn’t this broken of a human being to give in to love. I wish I wasn’t so afraid, and I’m sorry.
I refuse to write about how we’ve changed, how I’ve changed, for I do not want to taint the little things.
How you love your brothers more than your parents,
how you convinced yourself you’ve got this,
the little hollow noise you make as you inhale your cigarette,
how you always have such a profound love for vanilla cones and bland biscuits,
how you never knew the places I’ve shown you, and how you’d rate them without me ever asking you to,
how you smiled rather cynically when you had to finish my meal for me,
the on-the-spot jokes you could pull out of thin air,
the characters we invented — twexi and piccu, and our entire language of twexcu
and the way you were amenable to my nonsense ramble in twexcu, even though you hated cute things that made you feel less like a man.
the snowflakes in your hair that you hate so much,
the way you held my hand and kiss it,
the way you always want to cook for me, without demanding that I should learn how to cook,
and the way you’d clean without asking me to help,
how you moved mountains to make time for me,
and the way you always said sorry for not being able to answer my call,
and the way you love my cat as if she was yours.
the way you sunk your face into my shoulders as we hug,
and the way you would agree that the nose is the best place for a tiny kiss.
the way you’d get irritated when I don’t prioritize myself,
and the way that I truly have never deserve you — in ways you never knew.
How you are — as a whole, making up all of my favourites — will always stay with me, even the little things you thought I didn’t notice.
I hope one day I can feel us aligning once more. I hope one day I can discover all the new things that bring me joy, and in some mysterious, god-like way, they’ll lead me back to you. I don’t want to cloud you with excuses, but I’m so out of touch with myself right now to the point where I know you’re not seeing the real me. I’m lost and I’ve hurt you. I’m sorry.
I don’t want to cloud you with excuses, as I have none anymore. But I hope that one day you can see that the things I did to us as of late were actually for you. Out of the imperfect, warm but bleak in the middle and thorny all around its edges, love I have for you. You have so much going for yourself and still so much more to achieve, my love — and I hope you’re making the best of it. In my head, I’ve rewritten our story completely so that it won’t be this painful, but I hope that one day, in some complicated way, the universe aligns, and you’d understand why.
Until then, my love for you remains
forever and a day.
Until then,
you will remain the first man I’ve written my stories for, such as this.
Until then,
I’ll keep us — our memories, our dreams and prayers, our habits, even the gifts we gave each other, safe within arms reach.
I’ll wear your sweatshirts when I miss you,
and keep your initials in my veins.
Until then,
Like the ending to my favourite tv-series Normal People that you still haven’t watched as of today,
CONNELL
I’d miss you too much. I’d be sick.
MARIANNE
At first. But it would get better.
CONNELL
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Yeah, and it’s only a year, and then I’ll be back.
MARIANNE
Don’t promise that. You don’t know…
where either of us will be. Or what will happen.
CONNELL
I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.
MARIANNE
No. That’s true.
I mean, you’d be somewhere else entirely. You’d be a different person.
And me, too.
But we have done so much good for one another.
CONNELL
You know I love you.
And I’m never gonna feel the same way for anyone else.
MARIANNE
I know.
CONNELL
I’ll go.
MARIANNE
And I’ll stay.
MARIANNE
And we’ll be okay.
