Self love. How to love others without compromising on yourself?
How to love others and still feel like you are not compromising on your love for yourself
So, I received a message from my friend just the other day asking me to send her an audio recording on self love. But, because she is very close to me, I figured she deserves more than a neutral audio on self love which could have no relevance to what is going on in her life for all I know. So,I called her up and asked her exactly what are we dealing with out here.And she revealed some juicy shit to me.
Today we will talk about how to love others and still feel like you are not compromising on your love for yourself. Is it just a huge container of love? So when you pour out love there is less left for you? Or can we really compartmentalize it? If yes, how?
In the moment I gave her the most generic answer, “Honey, nobody is like you so stop trying to be like everybody.” Right? but this is not a slogan. This means, you have a duty to keep to yourself. Keep nurturing yourself and investing in what you like,who you stand for as a person until what is not right by you is innate within you. So, next time something happens you don’t have to think about it. It’s just a feeling which will jump to the surface like an alarm clock and say, no. It’s like dropping the diamond that you are to be cute pebbles like everybody else because it is familiar/” in”/ it feels safe.
Stop it!
Take your time learning being you and polish yourself to gradually see yourself shed layers, things, people, habits and mold into the diamond that you are.
As amazing as that sounds. Let’s talk about how?
Because society has conditioned us into measuring self love from outside source. For example, from the earliest of our memory,our Parents would condemn us for doing something bad and appreciate us for doing something good. That’s how we found love. So, according to our default setting, If you’re recognized from a source, you feel of value and so you take pride in yourself and there in lies your reason to love yourself.
So, our motive here is to recognize these outside source and cut yourself from it while making decisions/ taking actions.
This is where we begin to compartmentalize.
Next time you do something, I want you to ask yourself why? Why am I doing this? For whom am I doing this? And refrain from doing it as soon as you sense a hidden incentive attached to someone else or an outside source. For example, I am doing it because I want to show off. Bravo! Accepted. Do it. You have all the right to show off anything you want to but fooling yourself into thinking I want to show off my talents but really wanting this person to appreciate you and see how great you are is that bullet which ricocheted and hit you. Until it’s a question, does he like it? does he think I’m great? Am I great? I dunno anymore. Aaaannn!
Gunshot! (Let us sit profoundly amidst the echo of that gunshot to meditate on that turn of event.)
Good. Here is what you did…
..That was you seeking recognition from this chap and your act subconsciously was you putting yourself below someone else or putting him on pedestal. So, naturally, when you are not recognized or get a negative response, you feel devalued, which takes you to a downward spiral of self worth.
When your actions are attached to an outside source , the rejection will bond you closer. Again conditioning, mumma condemns us for doing something bad so we want to live up to her expectation and earn her love. And once we do, we feel bonded because our hard work reaped that love. Hard work to the love is a connection which is called bond.
Similarly,Rejection makes us feel like a failure which gives rise to this intense need or desire to be right or correct,and I say intense because right now we are in defense mode, fighting for our image, fighting for our sense of power to feel stable , and hence we tend to overcompensate which is sad because ironically it has the opposite impact of what we are trying to put out there and leaves us looking desperate. Consider it to be our bodies way to auto correct, uncalled for and unrequited.
Now, Toxic actions will reap you toxic consequences.
So,This habit , all the more, what it does is, allows that external source a seat in the parliament of your mind. Which means every action you take hence is screened through the source. Meaning, where are you?If the toxic action was you being lost, imagine the toxic consequences to be lost in a gigantic mirror maze.I know! Good luck finding yourself now.
Self nurturing will sooner or later define your values and cement who you are and what you stand for. But while the outside source is sitting comfortably in your mind’s parliament, you are morphing to fit a picture of someone else. This is you relinquishing your identity on purpose meaning declaring that you have no values and so you are ready to be what others want you to be.
Love brings you happiness. It is basic human need to love. So when you surrender your right to others for what should be loved, it will put you in a push and pull dynamic with your true desire of love and leave you never truly feeling happy.
What about when dealing with people? You love them so you allow them a lot of slack, right? But,with this slack goes away your quota of love and then you start resenting that person(which honestly you allowed) for putting you in a situation where you don’t like your identity because where you are right now you can just feel the lack of self love and as a result start doubting your worth and stand in the other person’s life.
I want you to chant after me.
“ I love you but I love me more”
“ I love you but I love me more”
“ I love you but I love me more”
Be very careful of the origin of your feelings. Are you hurt? Are you feeling hurt for yourself? Or are you feeling hurt for that person?
For example “x” breaks up with “y”. X breaks up with y because x is not happy with y but as soon as x breaks up with y ,X feels this intense dawning of “what the fuck did I do? I made the biggest mistake of my life” and in normal situation would regress and continue to live and suffer with y. Happily but not so happily. What X doesn’t realize is that this so called intense regret is again, the same auto correct of your body and mental programming, because doing this makes him the villain of the story and villain means bad! Bad x bad! So, X feels this intense need to correct itself and find respite when corrected.
But what x needs to understand is that what x is feeling is hurt for hurting y which is natural..like, pooping, what goes in from here has to naturally exit from down below and if you can just bear through this stage, x will soon begin to start feeling free. You get it? when you accept that it’s a natural process, you gain the power to let that intense desire express itself without controlling you to impulsively act on it. Loss equals pain. Simple. Knowing this knowledge neutralizes the situation that means its no longer put on a pedestal , that hurt loses all the false multiple dimensions you gave it and grounds you.The intention here is not to hate the the other person,it is know yourself better. Call this blessing in disguise. This breaks the pattern of “rejection bonds you closer” because now you feel neutral towards him/situation.
What is the moral of the story? If you are not clear as to who your feelings are associated with, the decision you make next will be for that associated person and not your own higher good.
And like I said,because this is a toxic action, you will be left with the toxic consequences of stagnation and continued past sufferings.
This where I’m going to wrap it up for y’all with a food for thought.What people think, what you think, is what we are trained to think. We can either make a choice to vibrate in the same frequency and think like everybody else and basically be a replica of every other human around us repeating the same patterns and committing the same mistakes or break through and live your life your way.
Thank you all for staying till the end. Please do share it with whomever needs to see this.
