The Bigot Who Wrote “The 5 Love Languages” Might Hate You
Fake ‘Marriage Counselor’ Has No Counseling Degree, No Credentials
Dr. Gary Chapman first published his self-help “counseling” book, The 5 Love Languages, back in 1992 under ‘Christian literature’ — even though he was never and is not a real counselor.
Chapman wrote the content specifically directed toward heteronormative Christian couples, and ripped off real therapy to get his content. Part of his desire for a Christian-based marketer and publisher in the 90'S was and continues to be based on his extreme fundamental Christian beliefs. He wanted the book marketed only to heterosexual, sis gender couples.
Twenty years later, Chapman (who is still unqualified to author a self-help book), re-published the 5 Love Languages in 2010 under a secular publisher with a new subtitle and minor content changes.
Throughout the last 30 years Chapman revamped his first “5 Love Languages” book to address singles, seniors, Christians, military (bizarre — and which branch?!), men, kids, teens, and just about any random niche of persons except for women, interracial couples, black and brown minorities, and LGBTQ+.
I sincerely hoped that Chapman was simply too busy pretending to be a real counselor to write a book for every minority he left out, but this does not seem accurate. In fact, Chapman had such an open day planner that he wrote an entire book for ‘the workplace’, which I hope he completed a special HR edition. Seemingly bored out of his mind, Chapman wrote an ENTIRE LOVE LANGUAGES book for the parents of teens who read his other teen love language book (really?!).
He also published 3–4 completely different books specifically toward WASPY men. And then, perhaps because he had nothing else pressing, he suddenly branched off into writing a brand-new fake counseling series titled, “5 Languages of an Apology”. He just wrote a bunch of glittery crap that was, again, stealing content from real therapy.
Chapman wrote this bogus psychoeducational book (pictured below) about “Anger” as if he has any insight into this very serious topic. Chapman told the New York Times that people do not want read “an academic book”. He is not a trained counselor in any capacity.
In an affront to what lil’ J.C. himself preached about loving one’s neighbor as thyself, Chapman’s website openly advocates unloving, hateful acts. He openly encourages discrimination toward the LGBTQ+ community.
Chapman also co-authored a KKK reminiscent book, “Winning the Race to Unity”, where he blames ‘reverse-racism’ for ‘the white Christian problem’. Is Chapman referring to himself when identifying the ‘white Christian problem’? Or is he attacking communities of color?
After 30 years of writing, Chapman has, indeed, proven himself a devout homophobe and overall bigot. This is very disappointing since his long history of ‘Love Language’ packaging was/is a disjointed re-branding of common couple’s therapy interventions.
Interestingly, a 6th Love Language, “Distance”, emerged without Chapman’s consent. “Distance” was likely drafted by a person who possesses insight and self-awareness, and found themselves annoyed that all 5 of the other languages are behaviors that intentionally cause interaction by the couple.
What if a person is a solid introvert, and they just really like some space? Or what about a person who is on the Autism Spectrum, or has PTSD? Perrhaps they have chronic migraines, and feel loved when their medical and emotional needs are met by their partner using distance? This is an awesome addition, for it is a truly loving because it is respectful and selfless.
The 5 Love Languages Exposed
Let’s be honest, this crap is junk Teen Bop psychology. Chapman is not genius at all! Worse, a couple who reads this trash and thinks it is sincere is being set up for failure.
If a couple is to be successful for a lifelong relationship then all 5 love languages are equal in importance and are fluid dependent upon what is needed in the relationship at any given time.
Separating these behaviors into 5 categories implies that some are not important to the wellness of a couple. Is it a wonder why many therapists do not ever reference this book?
Another example of a behavior that is simply present in a healthy relationship is the love language: Words of Affirmation. Supportive statements are a fundamental part of healthy, loving communication.
A lack of supportive statements is a form of emotional neglect. Side-ways, passive-aggressive statements, are another form of verbal abuse. An example of this type of verbal abuse is saying something like, “That shirt looks good on you, especially since those colors are gaudy and awful to look at.”
“Physical Touch” is self-explanatory, except that Chapman really highlights his devote Christianity by distinguishing that for men, sexual acts are a form of physical touch, yet he intentionally excludes any mention of women’s sexuality.
Oh, and why does his crappy graph have listed under “Things to Avoid” specific to Physical Touch as “Physical Abuse”. Why is that not just a given? Is he reminding himself, or his Christian buddies? And why does Chapman only identify abuse as a no-no for this one lone love language? Seems shady.
Another winner is “Receiving Gifts”, which reads like prose for chauvinist men. Did Chapman include this love language especially for one gender over another?
In an interview with Huffpost, Chapman denies any gendered love languages. However, go read for yourself the content in his books, especially the ones written for men. It is geared mainly toward his ridiculous beliefs that women are intrinsically materialistic, and that they need validation through items.
Next is “Quality Time”; however, if a couple is not spending time where their attention is focused on their partner, then they’ve got problems far beyond a self-help book cure.
Note that ‘Quantity Time’ is not ‘Quality Time’, which immediately makes this love language inherently flawed. Every couple’s independent and subjective perception of what qualifies as “quality” and when, exactly, the amount of time transitions into “quantity”, makes for an impossible situation.
Last is “Acts of Service” which, for anyone who identifies as receiving love through this love language, I strongly encourage you to keep low standards and expectations of the services that are being completed by your partner.
In therapy, the temperament of a person who receives love through Acts of Service is a person who is well organized, and they are termed a planner. This personality type experiences feelings of accomplishment and relaxation strongest when tasks are being checked off a fixed list.
If completion of these tasks stall, a planner is apt to experience intrusively heightened anxiety. There is also a sense of anticipation, or excitement, that is felt by a planner when waiting for a list of tasks to be completed.
In couple’s therapy, a common complaint that arises is that one member of the couple feels a lack of equality in divided chores. Yet the other member of the couple is often unaware that inequality even exists!
These two differing personalities might appear to have little chance of romantic success, but in all practicality couples that are made of two planners exhibit more conflict than couples where there is a planner and a spontaneous personality.
Resentment is quick to bud over this love language, because although it serves multiple functions for the benefit of the receiver, the giver is required to invest both their time and energy.
An Act of Service is loosely described in the above graph as “make them breakfast”, but this is misrepresenting the true nature of the love language. The Act of Service can’t be something that is a normal part of life (i.e. somebody’s gotta make breakfast). This must be something that is way outside the scope of normal, everyday responsibilities and chores.
Additionally, paying someone to complete the needed service removes love from the act. For example, if you want to get your boo’s car washed as a nice little Act of Service, it won’t count if you take the car to a detailer.
So, to wrap up, Gary Chapman is not a real counselor. He got a PhD in adult education, and he gives the people in his congregation what he calls “marriage counseling”. Chapman just makes up his own therapy as he goes along, while sporadically tossing out judgmental Bible verses. The audacity of this guy — looks to me like he’s mixing fabrics! Somebody better go tell the Lord that he is in violation of Leviticus!
This guy is a therapeutic fraud.
And although Jesus might flip a table or two in dispute, Chapman doesn’t care. It is so astonishing to me that Chapman acts like one of those idiot old white racists who actually thinks Jesus was a white dude with blue eyes and light brown hair.
