Love is … staying, and thriving, together
Or: 5 ways to save a “doomed” marriage
By Dr. George James
We all got caught up in the romance and fantasy of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s magical May wedding at St. George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. Gospel choir? Check. Vintage car and superstar guests? Double check.
But, as for most couples, their real life as a husband and wife (and real family drama) kicked off behind the glare of the cameras. And as an interracial couple who are also children of divorce, they’ll have to overcome several specific challenges to keep their marriage strong over the years.
Statistically speaking, Harry and Meghan will have obstacles than most to stay married past the 10 year mark. According to Dr. Nicholas Wolfinger’s research, the risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one member of a couple comes from a divorced family. The rate jumps to almost 200 percent higher when both members of the couple come from a divorced family, as both Meghan and Prince Harry do. (Not to mention the 67 percent divorce rate for a second marriage, and the specific obstacles Black women, who are more likely to be widowed or divorced, face. )
As a licensed therapist who has been married for 10 years and has counseled over 1,000 couples over the course of 17 years, I’m rooting for the world’s favorite couple.
Over the course of my career, I’ve observed five key research-based strategies that will help them or any other interracial or Black couple overcome various hurdles and make their marriage last.
1.Stay Connected. Staying connected in a marriage requires emotional, financial, physical, sexual and spiritual closeness. In my own marriage, whenever the scramble of everyday life has created a feeling of disconnect, I’ve learned that my wife and I connect in different ways. My wife feels closer to me when we can talk without distraction, while I feel closer to her when she’s physically more affectionate. Researcher and clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson found that humans have distinct attachment styles in relationships. Observing and heeding them in each other creates a sustained feeling of connection. With my clients, I’ve also observed a deeper connection when couples engage in activities that are meaningful to both of them.
2.Be each other’s bestie: I know my wife is my best friend because I want to share my most intimate thoughts and dreams with her. I also know I can count on her through any challenge. When both of my parents fell ill with dementia, she worked hard with me to take care of them for years. She’s the closest person to me in my life. Some believe it’s unrealistic or even unhealthy to expect a partner to fulfill all of your emotional, physical and spiritual needs. This may be true, but, in my practice, I’ve observed that while its not unhealthy to have a best friend outside of your marriage, couples who are closer to their friend than their spouse often have weaker marriages.
3.Recognize more good than bad: It makes perfect sense, but it is harder than it seems. The couples I work with want a healthy relationship but can’t help but fall into a negative pattern. In his research on couples, Dr. John Gottman found that successful couples have a ratio of five positive interactions to every negative interaction. If a client tells me she has to think hard to remember the last time she had fun with her spouse but can name the last time she had an argument, I share that they are on the wrong side of the 5:1 ratio.
4.Keep your spark alive : You don’t have to bring sexy back if you keep your sexy alive. Many couples start off with a great sexual and intimate life, but research shows that varying libidos, busy schedules, health issues, level of attraction and household responsibilities can take a toll on a couples’ sex life. While some couples deprioritize sex as their marriage evolves, the average happy couple reports having sex at least once a week. If you keep your sexual connection alive, you won’t have to worry about meeting the average, you will exceed it.
5.Date each other often — A well-thought-out date night is one of the most powerful and underestimated acts a couple can do to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. It’s the most powerful tool in own marriage. In the eighth year of our marriage, the most common year for divorce, I was finishing my doctoral program, writing my dissertation and working a 40-hour clinical internship, in addition to the 20–30 hours I spent a week at my practice. My wife was working a full-time job, and she did the bulk of the work of caring for two small children, while we tag-teamed to care for my parents. We barely saw each other that year, but because we already had established a compelling date night, we were able to stay connected.
To work their magic, date nights have to be creative and meaningful. For example, on one date night, I squeezed a client meeting in at the end of the day and didn’t get home until late. By the time we left to go out, we had no idea what we were going to do. After deliberating for 15 minutes, we ended up at an Applebees with cheap appetizers on the table and nothing interesting to say to each other. Since then, we decided to ditch the standard date night and create the Date Night Re Do experience. The idea is we choose a day of the week and trade off planning everything from a couples’ massage to a walk by the water with each other. (Anything but dinner and a movie!!)
The bottom line: Invest your relationship early, and you will receive significant returns on your investment now and forever.
Dr. George James, CEO of GeorgeTalks.com, is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Council for Relationships and program director of the Couple and Family Therapy Program at Thomas Jefferson University. He’s also a BMe Public Voices Fellow with The OpEd Project, and you can find him @GeorgeTalks on Twitter and Instagram.
