PERSONAL VALUES
May I, or Do You Want to…?
And therein lies all the difference!
How do you teach generosity to a child?
Or kindness? Or tolerance? Or patience?
Or any other value for that matter?
With a young child, I think about this a lot. Some people are so thoughtful and giving. Others are transactional and just the opposite!
“Values are like fingerprints. Nobody’s are the same, but you leave ’em all over everything you do”
― Elvis Presley
How I learnt to be generous
When I thought some more, like everything else in life, I realized I learnt the value of generosity from the adults in my life.
I learnt generosity from my mother.
My father was the spendthrift who never hesitated to give away all his money (and he did many times). My mother hid her generosity, and it would surface occasionally. But I think my mother was more generous, as she let him be. And I think that’s why her generosity trumps his.
“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” ― Kahlil Gibran
Anything I had, especially food, she would say, “Share it with others.”
And I would protest, “But I have only one! I don’t want to split this.”
Her eyebrows would come together in a frown, and in a gentle but stern voice, she would say, “Then give it to the other person.”
And then her magic words would come out (I can still hear her voice in my head).
“If you give to others, you will get more.”
But this logic somehow never seemed right to me.
What spoke to me more than her sermons was when my mother would divide the food equally among all and, in fact, set aside some of her share for others (mostly me and my brother). Or when our househelp got the same food we got and in fact, they got it first. Her habit of ensuring there was enough for everyone was enough for me. I was seeing generosity in action.
Much of what we are taught is because of our parents. Then the sphere of influence expands. And we learn from our teachers, peers, spouses and of course, children! Best way to teach values- model the behavior you want in your children!
Over the years, I have learnt to put others before me. And magically, I have always gotten more.
Cultural effects
In Indian homes, if you are a guest, it is normal custom to offer a drink and something to eat. It is mostly tea or coffee, along with some biscuits (cookies). In fact, the host will insist that you eat or drink something because this gives them an opportunity to serve the guest. But then guests don’t want to trouble the host and so will refuse the offer vehemently. Until someone gives in. It is a beautiful tug-of-war where the more insistent win!
I realized that there was a different approach only after I got married.
I was taught to ask, “ Can I serve one more for you?”
Whereas my spouse’s family would ask, “ Do you want one more?”
And that, I think, is all the difference. The first approach is to encourage the person to eat more and comes from an intent of helping. In this way, you don’t restrict the guest. You let the guest decide.
The second approach is limiting. You are sending a message that maybe it is enough. That it may not be nice for the guest to want more. And that the onus of the decision is on them.
My mother always said that the way you serve food will also decide one’s appetite. And you should never ask if they had had enough. I like this as it is kinder.
Shall I serve you two more? vs Do you want more?
Which question do you prefer?
Two tales — Of generosity…
My grandmother was a smart woman. She would never send a guest away hungry or empty-handed. Many times, grandpa would bring in guests unannounced, and there would be no milk in the house for tea/coffee.
That’s when grandma would make a sweet drink or sometimes, ask my dad to run to the nearby store for couple of lemons. She would make lemonade with a pinch of salt and a generous amount of sugar.
My best friend’s mother was even more efficient. She would keep juice concentrates ready with fresh ice in the ice tray for these unexpected guests.
…& the lack of it
But not everyone is as generous.
Once, my father went to a work friend’s place. As per the custom, the host asked my father if he wanted coffee. As it was around lunchtime, my father refused politely as he could see that the friend’s wife was busy in the kitchen.
My father’s friend immediately yelled, “ Janaki, Janaki. They have already had their coffee. Don’t make it, don’t make it! ” Then he turned to my father and said, “ Costs have gone up. We have to save money, right?” My father still regales us with this story. And would add with a twinkle that no one got a coffee from his friend’s house.
So how can you teach generosity?
Generosity or any other value we imbibe is a direct result of our upbringing and, later in life, our choice.
I am choosing the path where I give more than I take. I think it is simpler and easier that way. Do you agree?
P.S. I am working towards getting more followers on Medium. Quite honestly, don’t know why it matters so much, as Medium Partners in India are not paid anyway! But feels like a good chimera to chase for now. Support me?
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