The Big Lie
It was only a short time ago that I wrote a piece on letting go here. A lot has happened since then. After three years of hurt that I didn’t know what to do with, things quickly moved on to a peace I didn’t think possible. It seems unbelievable to me, but I had what one might describe as a breakthrough. I want to share this because perhaps someone can benefit from how I found this peace. However, I’m a little nervous to tell this story because maybe I should have known better. Maybe it was only an epiphany to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have had such a crazy way of thinking to begin with. Or, worst of all, maybe I am wrong. Whatever the case is, I’m determined to share it because the pain it caused me for so long isn’t something I want others to go through.
What is the lie? In order to have peace, you must forgive those who hurt you. It sounds harmless enough, but it really isn’t. However, the world is full of people who are spewing this view, from preachers and psychologists to YouTube stars and everyone in between. They say that it takes courage and strength to forgive those who hurt us, and that it is the only way to inner peace.
I just watched a video titled “The Four People You Must Always Forgive.” It listed your parents, your spouse (or ex-spouse), everyone who has ever hurt you, and finally yourself. I could hardly think of a more damaging lesson to spread. Think of the people who have run across this video, searching for answers on taking back their lives. They’re looking for peace after what may be years of hurt and struggles. What they get is the exact opposite.
Think about someone breaking into your car and stealing a purse. If you see this person and catch him, what would it take for you to forgive him? He’d probably need to apologize, return the purse, and promise to never do it again. If he doesn’t do these things, you wouldn’t forgive him. You could accept that it happened and move on, perhaps with lessons learned. But you wouldn’t have to forgive — and you certainly wouldn’t be sentenced to a lack of peace until you do.
Now imagine a child who has been abused by their parents, or a partner who’s been abused by their spouse. The best thing, everyone acknowledges, is for that person to get out of that situation, to run as fast as they can! So how does that person ever get inner peace? By accepting what happened. By working through their emotions, getting help, and surviving. There is no reason for them to write a letter (or heaven forbid, go in person) to those who abused them to tell the abusers that they are forgiven.
Forgiving unrepentant abusers empowers them. You are telling them that they are off the hook for what they did without having to change their ways. Like the thief who didn’t return the purse, you’re saying it’s okay. Can you guess what that thief or abuser is going to continue to do?
I was raised Catholic, and I was taught to turn the other cheek and forgive others if I wanted forgiveness from God. This concept was ingrained in my soul from a very young age. However, blind forgiveness isn’t scriptural.
1 John 1:9–10 — If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.
Proverbs 28:13 — Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.
I’ve always known that I need to confess and repent when I ask for God’s forgiveness. But I expected myself to forgive others without even an apology. Worse yet, I was convinced that until I forgave others, I wouldn’t have peace. Now, the fear of not having peace doesn’t even seem like a thing to me — but the fear of facing those who hurt me and my family in order to get that alleged peace definitely is. If I have to one day reconcile with them, it means seeing them. That means putting my family at risk again. And that is terrifying for me.
It’s ironic that the thing that is supposed to give me peace is the very thing preventing me from attaining it. Forgiveness isn’t meant for everyone, and that’s a welcome message because I have no desire to forgive. Does it make me a horrible person that I don’t want to forgive? Or am I being wise, protecting myself and my family from more hurt down the road?
Don’t misunderstand me. I believe that forgiving those who hurt you but then ask for forgiveness is pretty close to mandatory. It’s wrong to hold on to anger. It’s wrong to hold grudges. But I’m not talking about those situations. I’m talking about people who hurt you and will continue to do so if they’re allowed.
There’s a difference between forgiveness and acceptance, and it is very important to accept the things that have harmed you in your life. Shit happened, and you conquered it. Forgiveness though, should be reserved for those people who are truly sorry. Understanding the gulf that separates them meant the difference between peace and turmoil for me.
I don’t know why it took me 44 years to figure this out, but I can’t praise enough the effect it has had. I have peace for the first time in years, and it came through understanding those who hurt me, researching the reasons, and having the support of my family. It came from reaching out to some wonderful relatives, and from accepting what happened. But most of it came from knowing that I don’t have to put my family at risk ever again in the name of searching for inner peace. It’s already mine.
Be safe, be strong, be loving, and take care of those you love.
