Fifty Shades
From PJs to Domination: Your Kick-Ass Guide to Being a Dom
Your Journey from Couch Potato to Badass Dom
You’re here because you want to know how to be a dom. Maybe you’re inspired by Christian Grey or perhaps your partner dropped a subtle (or not-so-subtle) hint that they’d like you to take the reins.
Either way, you’re curious about dipping your toes into the spicy world of domination. Before we dive into the realm of whips and chains, let’s make something clear: being a dom isn’t about being an overbearing brute who barks orders all the time.
Far from it, it’s about a delicate balance of power, trust, and understanding.
How to be a Dom: A Starter Kit for the Alpha in You
1. Learn the Lingo
You wouldn’t go to France without knowing how to say “bonjour,” would you? The same goes for the world of BDSM.¹
It’s a community rich with its own language and understanding these terms is crucial for effective communication with your sub.
We’re talking about words like “scene,” “dom,” “sub,” and yes, even “safe word.” Hey, make sure you’ve got a good grip on the language before you start dishing out commands. It’s like trying to order a coffee without having a clue about the difference between an espresso and a latte.
That’s what diving into BDSM without understanding the lingo is like.¹
Terms like “safe word”, “hard and soft limits”, “scene”, and “aftercare” are vital to your BDSM toolkit.
And remember, there will be a pop quiz later (just kidding!)
2. Understand the Psychology of Submission
Next up on the dom tutorial is understanding the mind of a submissive.¹
This is not about tearing someone apart, but more about getting what makes them tick and using that knowledge to lead them into a satisfying experience. It’s about building trust and creating a safe space that enables them to relax and surrender to you.
Being a dom isn’t just about the physical — it’s about the psychological, too.¹
You gotta grasp the power dynamics in action, what it really means to submit, and how to make your sub feel secure enough to unleash. It’s not about being rigid and uncompromising; it’s more like, “I get what you crave, let me be your guide.”
3. Consent: The Golden Rule of BDSM
This isn’t your run-of-the-mill, “Hey, you cool with this?” type of consent. It’s detailed, explicit, and ongoing.²
You’re dealing with some intimate and intense experiences here, so you need to be absolutely certain your sub is comfortable and on board. Remember, the sub ultimately holds the control and can call “Banana Split” (or whatever your safe word is) at any time.
It’s so important it’s worth repeating: consent is paramount.² Without it, BDSM becomes abuse. Make sure you always have your sub’s explicit consent before engaging in any activity.
4. Quit Demanding, Start Earning Submission
Real dominants know submission isn’t something you demand, but something you earn.²
You can’t just bark orders and expect your sub to fall in line. You gotta build trust, show empathy, and prove you can handle the weight of submission. But hey, that doesn’t mean you can’t be confident and take charge when needed.
Despite what some might think, being a dom isn’t about demanding submission. It’s about creating a dynamic where submission is given willingly.²
Make sure you respect your sub’s boundaries and never push them to do anything that makes them uneasy. Keep it chill and give them the space they need.
But remember, you’re not a drill sergeant, you’re a guide.
5. Maintain a Level of Physicality
Good posture, standing tall, not skipping leg day at the gym.³
Physicality and presence play a significant role in being a dom. But it’s not just about looking the part; it’s also about handling your sub with confidence and care.
Remember, you’re not wrestling a bear here, you’re guiding a willing partner into an intense, shared experience.
Sure, the leather and chains look cool, but being a dom is about more than just the aesthetic.⁶
Asking the Right Questions, Walking the Talk, and a Lesson in Empathy
6. Have “The Talk” with Your Sub
Now, you might think talking about desires and limits doesn’t sound all that sexy. But trust me, this kind of communication is not only crucial,⁴ it can also build anticipation and excitement.
Just have a chat with your sub and find out what turns them on, what they’re comfortable with, and where they draw the line. You’re not expected to read minds, you know. The more you grasp their wants and don’t-wants, the more awesome you’ll be as a dom.
Remember, BDSM is a mutual journey.
It is a two-way street.
So ask, and more importantly, listen.
7. Walk the Talk: Be Consistent
This ain’t a movie, it’s reality. And reality requires consistency.²
When you make a promise or commitment, stick to it. If you say you’ll do something, make sure you follow through. And hey, if you set a rule, make sure you’re on top of enforcing it.
You’re setting the stage here, and if the props keep changing, your sub will lose faith in your leadership.
If you’re not consistent in your actions and words, your sub won’t trust you.
8. Empathy: Your Secret Weapon
Alright, time to bust a myth: being a dom isn’t about being cold and heartless. Quite the opposite, in fact. A good dom is empathetic⁵, able to understand their sub’s feelings and emotions.
This isn’t about exploiting vulnerability, but rather about building trust and intimacy. Time to slip on your empathy hat and delve into your sub’s mind, maybe even uncover things they haven’t fully realized themselves.
If you can’t empathize with your sub, you won’t truly grasp their needs. So, make a genuine effort to understand their emotions and feelings. It’ll level up your dom skills, no doubt.
9. Avoid Common Mistakes
But you can reduce the number of slip-ups by learning from those who’ve walked (or perhaps more accurately, spanked) before you.²
Did you know, for instance, that one common mistake new doms make is not giving their sub enough aftercare? Or that many doms forget to balance punishment with reward? Learn these lessons, and you’ll be a step ahead on your dom journey.
10. Patience: It’s a Journey, Not a Destination
If you’ve made it this far, you’re heading in the right direction. Just remember, becoming a solid dom takes time, my friend. ⁴
Don’t expect to nail everything perfectly from the get-go, and that’s totally fine. Give yourself and your sub some patience along the way. No rush!
Take your time to learn and grow. And most importantly, enjoy the journey. Because as any good dom knows, it’s the anticipation that makes the experience so thrilling.
Being a dom isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Take your time to learn, grow, and build trust with your sub.
The Real Scene Begins
11. Prepping for Your First Scene: Roleplay, Contracts, and Safe Words
You’ve done the talking, now it’s time to walk the walk. Planning your first scene is a big step, and it’s essential to establish a Dom/Sub contract.¹
This contract sets out expectations, boundaries, and safe words, creating a blueprint for your scene.
12. Mistakes Happen, Learn from Them
We all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them2. Take the time to reflect and improve.
Final words
Practice Makes Perfect
Just as a footballer won’t become Cristiano Ronaldo overnight, you won’t become Christian Grey instantly either. Practice is essential, whether it’s perfecting your rope-tying skills or learning how to use a new toy.
And voila! You’ve made it to the end of our little BDSM journey. Give yourself a pat on the back (or a spank, if you prefer). But remember, your journey as a dom is just beginning. Take what you’ve learned here, and use it to build your own unique style of dominance.
Stay kinky, my friend, and remember to always respect the golden rule of consent.
👉Claim your offer.
If you enjoyed this article, please consider joining Medium by clicking on this link. I may earn a little commission to buy myself a decent cup of coffee. Thank you.
You can find me on LinkedIn and Twitter.
