Smart Watches for Sex?

This past CES saw many in the tech industry twist themselves into knots in order to proclaim the coming wearable revolution. For all the chatter, the shift seems to just need a spark. Indeed, Wired’s January cover story cried out “Why Wearable Tech Will Be as Big as the Smartphone.” Fashion companies want high-tech wearables. Old guard companies like Intel want headsets that can tell you everything you need to know. Google wants to be the new Warby Parker.

And… none of it is quite there yet. Not even the Pebble Steel, although that’s probably as good as we’re going to get for a little while. But fair enough. There needs to be experimentation for this young industry to find its feet. So when I came across the Marcus London G Watch, a device that purports to help you make your ladyfriend squirt every time, I thought, “Oh hey! This is certifiably insane, but why the fuck not?” Because squirting is great. For everyone involved.

At first glance, this doesn’t quite look like it’s there yet either. But there’s potential.

First and foremost, feel free to watch the trailer demonstrating (which is appropriately NSFW). However, for those still at the office, suffice it to say that the G Watch looks, well, unfinished. As it is, it’s a watch band that has a series of LED indicators on its face. On the inside there’s an accelerometer that reads how fast you’re playing with friend’s lady parts. Marcus London seems to have synced it to his specific fingering technique, so just as long as you’re pumping your lady’s pussy as fast and hard as he is, you’re fine. The LED’s will go from red to amber to green to show you if you’re in the zone. You’ll see (and feel) the results for yourself.

And that’s fine. I’m really just like, if you’re going to wear a watch while you’re making a woman squirt, you might as well go all out with the thing, no? The watch itself doesn’t look particularly sexy. It’s not especially elegant. Watching the demonstration — struggling as I was not to get too distracted by the vaginas on display — I kept thinking that the watch could look a whole lot better given the context.

But I can’t be too harsh. The watch eschews the opportunity to futz too much with UI, a trait I find ideal for most smartwatches full-stop. Too many devices endeavor to do too much when they never prove they’re good at any one thing. That’s truly a shame, and I’m glad the G Watch keeps things simple.

In the end, I’d be happy to try it out. Because again. Squirting is great. And if this can step my game up, all the better.