A Philosopher’s Confession About Education
I had never thought that my child had to be excellent at everything he did. That is, until he entered elementary school. But I found my heart had changed after my son failed to make it into the soccer team. I realized that my views and philosophy on education were like reeds blowing in the wind.
My son fails to make the soccer team
My boy kicked the ball over and over again in the blistering heat of summer in preparation for the soccer team tryouts. On the morning of his tryouts, he asked me to be there to cheer him on, so I cleared my schedule. He dribbled slower than his friends and his shots kept missing the goalpost. He played defense during the practice match. My body would move along with my boy’s every time the other team’s striker dribbled past him in spectacular fashion. I would flinch every time he got tackled. I called my wife as soon as the tryouts were over. “Honey, I don’t think he’s going to make it this time around.”
But my son thought otherwise. Every time he caught my eye, he’d ask “Dad, did you see me block that striker? That was good huh?” and “Which position do you think I’ll play if I get in?” He probably wanted me to give him some reassurance as he nervously waited for his results, but I’d always change the subject. The results of the tryouts were posted a few days later. I’ll never forget the look on my boy’s face as he walked through the door that day. His face was darker than that of a child who’d been playing in the sun all summer. The silence of a ten year old is surprisingly deafening.
“Children can’t fail. They merely lack experience. Going through despair is the most valuable experience a child can have. They grow through that experience. Achieving his goal after tasting defeat is only going to make him stronger and more motivated.” This is what I kept telling myself as my child’s face turned darker. But to be honest, no amount of positive thinking about his failure was going to make me feel any better. Saying that children lack experience just pointed towards the fact that parents should provide them with more opportunities to experience new things, and saying that success after defeat would strengthen children sounded as if parents would have to help their children to succeed the second time around no matter what. We have to make sure they win in order to build up their self-esteem. I fell asleep as I pondered over these new realizations.
It all boils down to self esteem
The heart starts to waver when self-esteem is mentioned. I had never wanted for my child to be picked for the soccer team before he decided to try out for it. I had never wished for my child to be studious before he entered elementary school. I’ve never thought that he needed to be good at drawing or the piano. I always thought it was enough if he enjoyed himself. But I found my heart had changed after my son failed to make it on the team. He has to be selected for the team in the next season for his self-esteem. He doesn’t need to get better grades than everyone else, but he needs to keep them up for his self-esteem. He has to overcome his failures, faults, and weaknesses and use it as an opportunity to build up his self-esteem lest he remain an inadequate, incompetent, failure. And then it dawned on me. My views and philosophy on education were like reeds blowing in the wind.
I’d not once wanted my child to be like everybody else. I just wanted him to be selected for the soccer team and get good grades, because that was how he would develop a healthy self-esteem. The contradiction of not needing my child to fit into the mold but thinking that he had to anyway was drowned out in the face of self-esteem. And before I knew it, our house began to resemble that of every other household. Test prep books began to pile up in the house, buses for private educational institutes would drop by, play turned into study, and my child’s self- esteem became more important than his happiness. I’d even written a parenting book to show my resolve to raise and educate my children in a different way, but as it turns out, I had never really stepped out of the box. I was humiliated.
I could finally understand why the parents before me were so obsessed with pushing their kids to learn so many things. Chances are, they didn’t do it because they wanted their kids to be better than other kids. They just didn’t want their children to get hurt because they lost. They were probably afraid that losing would affect the child’s identity in such a way that they would be branded a loser.
And so we all detest the race to get ahead of everyone else and the education system that supports it, yet we willingly send our children to school, push them to study, and focus on getting them into a good university as if our lives depend on it.
I need an alternative
As my body convulsed with every one of my son’s dribbles, tackles, and shots, it suddenly dawned on me that all of this needed to come to an end. There was no way that this proxy war of inevitable winners and losers spurred on by the parent’s anxious energy and nervous glances was going to make us happy. And the probability of my child winning this battle and gaining more self-esteem was even lower. I needed an alternative; an alternative that had a high probability of boosting my child’s self-esteem. An alternative that was different. Alternative schools started to seem like a viable option.
But the deeper I looked into alternative schools, the more difficult it became. After speaking to a friend that used to run an alternative school, I came to the conclusion that alternative schools were also just looking for an alternative. The only thing all of these school had in common was that they were looking for an alternative to public education. It was hard to define what alternative schools were since there were so many different types of schools, all with their own unique structures. Of course, it’s only natural that schools that are trying to present a new way of life come in all shapes and sizes, but it didn’t seem like any of these schools knew what the alternative exactly was and if it was even possible to escape the rat race. Even if the child graduated from an alternative school, their lives would still continue outside of the bubble after they graduate. My friend said that his school still has test prep classes because he believes he needs to be able to provide the students with an alternative in life and not just in education.
Would I be able to find my alternative in an alternative school? If alternative schools are institutions that provide specialized education for children who fundamentally reject the philosophy of public schools, was it right for my child? Just like the parents who demand test prep classes in alternative schools, children like my son who want to win in this race to the top and parents like me who want to help their child win to boost their self-esteem are likely to turn alternative education into just another way to help their child get ahead. They will learn about a different way of life at school, but they’re likely to emphasize the need to get ahead in real life. To be honest, the thought of my child drifting too far away from the mainstream scared me a little. He wasn’t someone who particularly wanted to steer away from the norm and I was afraid alternative school might plant that desire in him. I know it may sound soft, but I just wanted him to have a more peaceful life than I did and that was what ultimately stopped me from sending him to an alternative school.
I turned my attention back to public schools. They definitely felt more standardized compared to alternative schools. All of the children were told the same things and it was up to the parents or private educational institutions to cater to the individual interests and levels of the children. You have to send them to soccer classes if they’re interested in soccer and piano classes if they’re interested in piano. Schools turn a blind eye to the individuality of children. They focus more on competition than cooperation and expect you to comply with the world rather than challenge it. It’s not that I don’t know what the world requires of us and what it takes for my child to survive in the world after he graduates. It’s just that I’m not sure if what we’re doing right now, as in making sure he wins and succeeds the next time if he failed this time around, and sending him to private institutions and making him take a bunch of practice test so he can keep his grades and self-esteem up, and sending him to soccer class and all sorts of other classes, is the answer. My child and I don’t desire to go against the grain, but we don’t want to just do what everyone tells us to do and beat others out in order to boost our own self-esteem either. I like to think I’m challenging social norms in that regard, at least in will.
I don’t like to lose
I have always been used to winning so I was a very confident child. I didn’t even bother to start anything I had a high probability at failing at. I was a confident child, but one that was afraid of failure. I guess you could say I had low self-esteem in that regard. I didn’t play any card games or computer games. It may have seemed like a good thing, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t do these things because I didn’t want to do anything that I wasn’t good at. I didn’t want to lose. This kind of low self- esteem played a critical role in making me feel as if my child’s defeats were my own.
It was only after I had been studying philosophy for quite some time that
I understood the value of losing. Philosopher Yeongmin Kim stated in his book The Theory of Comrades that the ultimate goal of liberal arts was the “rapid evolution of incompetence”. He was trying to say that philosophy’s true worth lies in the fact that it is useless, incompetent, and always loses. Philosophy in itself is useless and worthless, but that’s what makes it such a valuable tool for evaluating and thinking twice about the things that we deem useful and right. The uselessness of philosophy is its utility. Losing can sometimes be more beneficial than winning.
Is it possible to find an alternative within the school system?
Meeting dedicated teachers who pour over meticulously planned curriculum
in an effort to increase the quality of education and decrease the education
gap between cities and rural areas made me realize that the problem wasn’t public education. It was me; me and my attitude of quietly comparing my son to his peers. This isn’t to say that the school system is perfect. It just means that I, as a parent, may be doing more to distort education than the school system itself. When children become addicted to winning, they become victim to fulfilling their parent’s expectations of becoming a kid that gets good grades and gets into Seoul National University. Their identity becomes reduced to being a doctor, judge, diplomat, or an accountant while the rest of their identity is ignored. And that is why separating the child’s self-esteem from the parent’s is the first step in finding an alternative.
I want my child to become someone who is able to fight a battle he is bound to lose rather than a person who just wins every battle. Believing that self-esteem is developed by winning will push the child to become someone to avoid fights they’re not likely to win. Children don’t’ gain self- esteem by winning. They gain it when they begin to have hope in this oppressive
and unreasonable world. Therefore, the alternative can’t be found in alternative schools or outside of public schools for that matter. It is found when we let go of our belief that winning increases self- esteem.
Are alternative schools really the alternative? If they are, we have to become just as alternative. Public schools can also become alternative education if we, as parents, realize the value in losing and just accept losing for what it is instead of trying to use it as a stepping stone to winning and boosting self-esteem. But of course, that is assuming that we realize how urgent it is for us to find an alternative.
My child seems gloomy today and my heart is gloomier. I’m going to wait until the silence subsides and take him out sometime next week to commemorate his failure to get on the team. We won’t talk about why he may have failed to get picked. Instead, I’m thinking of talking to him about his hopes and dreams and why he wants to become a soccer player.
Words. Youngmin Kwon
Majored in western philosophy at Seoul National University and currently runs and gives lectures at philosophy research community The True Colors of Philosophy. Wrote parenting book A Philosopher Father’s Liberal Art’s Based Parenting based on his experience looking after his son Seonjae while his wife pursued a music degree abroad. Has re- entered the parenting battlefield thanks to Seonyool who is 6 years younger than Seonjae, but strives every day to build a perfect life with his two boys.
