Are We Really Alright? — Divorce
Marriage break vs. Divorce, about definitely different two choices
We Did It for Us
We’ve gotten to a point where I can call my wife with a smile, but the memories still hurt. Can we ever be happy again? Jongbeum Park, a divorcee of 2 years, says he feels the happiest when he’s shopping for gifts for his daughter.
Jongbeum Park
A photographer that records the world through photos and a man that wants to live life doing cool things. Collaborates with various mediums. Goes skateboarding with his childhood friends and their children on Saturdays and travels to Canada every season to see his beloved daughter.
Let’s get a divorce
My wife first suggested that we get a divorce. My heart was heavy while living in my wife’s home country of Canada. Living as a foreigner just got harder and harder and it was difficult for me to adjust to life outside of Korea. I tried multiple times to run away. I went all the way to the airport only to return home, and I wrote letters and left the house. I decided to just board the plane as my desire to return to Korea reached its peak. I turned my back on my wife who cried and begged me not to go and headed to Korea.
Temporary Adjustment Disorder. That was what I was diagnosed with. It’s kind of like homesickness. After realizing why I had had such a hard time, I began to look back on my time in Canada. My wife’s devastated face, and my daughter’s innocent and clueless face as she smiled and waved bye bye daddy as I left. That image will always remain in the back of my mind no matter how much time passes. Just as I was thinking of repairing my relationship with my wife while getting psychological help in Korea, my wife told me she wanted to talk. She said that she was tired and didn’t know if she had it in her to maintain this relationship. As the word divorce got thrown into our relationship, I headed straight to Canada to try and change my wife’s mind. But even as I spoke to her face to face, it was clear that she had made up her mind. That’s when I knew. That’s when I knew that getting a divorce was what she really wanted. It was difficult and painful for me to accept. I didn’t really have a choice so we went ahead with it.
Some people may argue that getting a divorce in today’s world really isn’t that much of a big deal, but the only reason they can say this is because they’ve never been through one before. Divorce isn’t a subject you can take so lightly. It becomes a huge trauma in the lives of those who go through one.
There have been many changes since we got divorced but one thing that hasn’t changed is that we call each other every day. After all, my wife and I may have separated, but I’m still my daughter’s dad. I video chat with them almost every day. My wife and my in-laws were all in favor and I didn’t want my daughter to grow up without a father figure in her life. Our divorce was very gradual so we wanted to cushion the blow for our daughter as much as possible. So we talk every day and make sure we’re a part of each other’s everyday lives.
The tunnel that follows
I went into a long tunnel of depression after my divorce from which I’m still traumatized. It was a gigantic, prolonged pain. To be honest, I don’t exactly remember how I felt and why I felt a certain way during my divorce. All I remember are snippets. For example, me crying inconsolably by myself, or just staring into space. They say forgetting is a blessing, and it’s probably because the brain removes the things that you don’t want to remember without you even knowing it. It helps you survive.
The pain is immense. It’s completely different from the heartache you feel after you breakup with a girlfriend. It’s incomparable. We have a child together so I was overwhelmed with a feeling of loss as if I had lost my family. Only time was able to heal me. That’s when I realized the truth behind the old proverb “Time heals all wounds.” The more time I spent away from my wife, the more I was able to forget the negative things that had happened between us. I was able to truly appreciate all the compromises and sacrifices we made for each other during the divorce process which made me realize that our relationship hadn’t been so bad after all.
I’ve started to see the light at the end of the tunnel since about 3–4 months ago. I go skateboarding with my friends now and meet other people. I’m not dating but I do meet people of the opposite sex. I had nothing when I was in the tunnel. I didn’t have the will to live, have fun, or have sex. I was helpless and unmotivated in all aspects of life. But I can honestly say now that I’m truly happy.
I’ve found security in my new found emotional stability and liberating happiness but I still want to tell anyone who’s thinking of getting a divorce to avoid it at all costs. It’s foolish to cross the point of no return because of a few emotional problems. I was the same. In my experience, divorce isn’t the answer to fixing any relationship. I know I’m able to talk about being happy now, but the price I had to pay to get to this point was unbearable. It’s better to avoid going through this tunnel if you don’t have to. Divorce and death are things you should delay as much as you can.
Forever a father
My daughter is now 4 years old. She was 3 when we got divorced. She understands the absence of a parent, but not the concept of divorce. I try to go to Canada as much as I can because I don’t want her to get hurt in any way. I go at least two times a year, sometimes even four or five, and we also go on family holidays. To be honest, I don’t feel too happy when I’m with my wife. I’m sometimes even grateful she’s not my wife anymore when she goes on a nagging spree. Of course, it’s not like she wants to be with me either. We just suck it up and compromise because no matter what, we’re still our daughter’s parents and we want to make her happy. Happy moments fuel a person’s life so it is our obligation as parents to make as many happy moments for our children as possible.
The happiest moment of my work life in Korea is when I go to the bank to send child support. It’s the reason why I work. The amount of child support due is determined by the court in Canada. I told my wife that I would send her more if she thought that the court appointed sum wasn’t enough. The court set the sum to half of what I was originally sending so I just continue to send my original amount. I don’t get much joy out of shopping or buying things. The only time I feel happy spending money is when I’m getting something for my daughter, when I buy a ticket to Canada, and when I exchange money to send child support. I ask for the best thing they have when buying gifts for my daughter. I don’t even look at the price tag.
My attitude towards work has changed too. I used to be picky about the jobs I took on because I valued my career as a photographer, but now I half-jokingly say that I’ll take any job as long as it pays. The more money I make, the more often I can go to Canada. My purpose and responsibilities have shifted quite a bit. Photography used to be the most important thing in my life, but I now have something that I value more than anything else in this world. I want to start a webtoon for my daughter later. I want to leave a record of the things that she won’t remember about her childhood. I feel like pictures would make it easier for her to understand than me telling her story after story. How her mother and I met, how we went to Canada, how much of a hard time I had, how we got divorced, and how we continued to love her with all our hearts through everything…
