Couples Class

Marital conflicts arise because we fail to learn about marriage. We asked what we need to study about marriage in order to thrive in the institution.

Shindi
A content maker that provides tips and knowledge to help couples in their 30s and 40s live more tactful lives. Studied education and psychology at Ewha Woman’s University and uses psychology to unpack marital conflict through ‘Shindi School’. Author of <Shindi’s Marriage Class> and <Reading Lectures>.

You are of the opinion that marital difficulties arise because we don’t learn about marriage. This is quite a foreign concept.

It might just be the most important thing we need to learn in life. I never learned about it either but I felt a desperate need to do so after getting married. I realized there were a great number of people around me that were having a rough time because of marital discord. It made me think about how none of us had ever properly studied the topic of marriage despite how important a role spouses play in our lives. The paradigm has shifted when it comes to marriage, the role of family has changed, and people are coming to new understandings about adult love. We need to learn how to maintain marital love if we are to find happiness in marriage.

Is it the shift in paradigm that has made learning about marriage imperative?

Psychotherapist Esther Perel gave TED talks with the title “Rethinking Infidelity” and “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship”. They’re interesting topics. Love was ranked 5th on women’s list of priorities when choosing a spouse in 1939. Marriage used to be the combining of finances but love by far is the most important consideration in today’s world. This paradigm shift has seen family structures move from extended families to nuclear families which has naturally led families to become more husband and wife centric. But many of us are still stuck in a family centric mentality, which can be a huge source of conflict. We also try to get a lot more out of marriage than we used to.

Shindi School is all about married couples.

A lot of people showed interest in my Adult Attachment post after it got featured on Naver. I posted a series called “Shindi’s Marital Relationship Study” that talked about how married couples could maintain their love. Shindi’s //Married Couples Study// is based on EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy). As the name suggests, it focuses more on emotions compared to traditional couples therapy which focuses more on teaching communication skills.

Could you tell us more about adult attachment?

Most parents would have heard about Bowlby’s attachment theory which states that the attachment style that we form with our primary caretaker as children dictates the rest of our relationships throughout life. But did you know that adults have attachment styles too? The reason why I go into adult attachment styles so much is because it plays such a critical role in marriage that it can actually make or break a relationship. Approximately 40% of adults possess an attachment style that can be problematic in a marriage. Some people are fine with their spouse going on solo trips while not being able to reach their spouse on the phone is enough to make some people anxious. Some people will run towards a problem while others will retreat into a cave. Adult attachment styles explain this kind of behavior. They determine how a couple should develop their relationship. Attachment styles become apparent during conflict and when we develop deep relationships, which is why it has a particularly big impact on marriages.

How are these attachment styles formed?

It’s usually established when a child reaches 3 years of age; 5 at the latest. They become anxious if they were raised by inconsistent parents and avoidant if their caretaker was dismissive towards their needs. In order to survive, children turn their attachment systems on full throttle depending on their caretaker’s actions and attitudes, and they may become obsessively attached to their parents or just give up if this process doesn’t go smoothly. Children who are not able to establish a healthy attachment with their parents have difficulty with relationships in adulthood. Your mental instability may be passed down to your children.

You’ve said that understanding your spouse’s attachment style may help if couples find that their relationship is on the rocks for no apparent reason.

There are four adult attachment styles based on how an individual views themselves and others. Adults are said to have a secure attachment style if they view themselves and others in a positive light and it is established when one feels happy in their relationship and feels like they are being loved and accepted. Children who received consistent love and affection from their primary caregivers are more likely to maintain this style in adulthood. The anxious-preoccupied style is predominant in females. They are anxious are about their relationship and have difficulty trusting their spouse. The anxiety persists despite the spouse’s efforts to reassure them. Dismissive-avoidant styles don’t really need human relationships at all. They tend to focus on their own work, hobbies, achievements, and independence. They feel like their private space is being violated when people try to get close and this can cause them to run away. They feel uncomfortable when conversations with their spouse get too emotional so they tend to retreat and keep their distance. Husbands who avoid emotional conversations with their wives fit in this category. The final style is the fearful-avoidant style. Both emotions coexist in their feelings towards their parents. People with this attachment style require a lot of help from their spouse.

Does this mean that people who were not able to form a healthy attachment in childhood will carry it with them to their marriage?

Even if a person was able to form a healthy attachment in childhood, they can change to have the anxious-preoccupied style if they aren’t able to form a healthy attachment with their spouse. But even if you don’t currently have the secure attachment style, you can change by figuring out your current style and making the necessary changes. A person who grew up anxious can form a secure attachment if they develop a good relationship with their spouse. Adult attachment styles apply to all relationships in life, not just marital. That’s why it’s important to know how it affects your relationships.

Does that mean that couples might find themselves on completely different pages because of their attachments styles?

There are certain styles that will have a particularly hard time when they encounter conflict. The anxious-preoccupied style that will obsess over their spouse and the avoidant style that runs away from conflict is a good example. But understanding your partner’s attachment style will open your eyes as to why they have no choice but to act the way they do. Anxious-preoccupied styles will obsess until they can get in touch with their partner but will then act aloof. Avoidant styles will shut down if the relationship becomes unstable. But you shouldn’t assume that this kind of behavior means that they don’t want intimacy. They all have different reasons why they act this way. Even couples who seem like they are never on the same page can develop a healthy, secure attachment if they recognize their attachment styles and take steps to change.

There are a lot of couples who end up fighting after attempting to have a conversation.

It’s very important to use I language instead of U language in conflict situations. I language means to think and communicate using the process of observation, emotion, needs, and request. For example, let’s imagine that your wife has forgotten your birthday. Instead of saying “What is wrong with you? How are you so forgetful? Do you even care about me at all?” you say “When I found out you forgot my birthday (observation), I was really disappointed (emotion). It might not seem like a big deal but it’s really important to me (need). So I really hope you remember next time (request).” John Gottman, one of the most respected couples therapists in the world, says that there are four things you should avoid, even in extreme conflict situations. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. You should avoid saying things like “Huh, you?”, “What do you know?”, and “You’re not all that” at all costs not matter how heated the argument gets. Approximately 92% of couples that use these 4 language styles often are said to have gotten divorced.

Some people push emotional connection to the back burner because they’re just too busy with life.

John Bradshaw says that we need to “reclaim and heal our inner child”. That wounded child within us continues to weep as we leave them untreated. Children need to experience being completely loved and having their physical and emotional needs met in order to grow into adults with healthy bodies and minds, but their parents were probably too busy trying to put food on the table or lacked the education to provide them with those experiences. The parents were probably scarred from the experience too, which is why we shouldn’t blame parents themselves but the lack of knowledge. I hope that we all learn to acknowledge our own pain and stop ourselves from making the same mistakes with our own children.

Do you have any advice for couples who feel they are in an unhappy marriage?

I view marriage from a growth perspective, not a happiness perspective. This enables you to view conflict from a different angle. You begin to think about how this conflict will help you grow instead of how miserable it’s making you. Couples need to work towards a common goal when they encounter problems. Most couples stand on opposite sides of the field and lay out all the things the other person did wrong, but it’s important that they remain on the same team. It needs to be Couple vs. Conflict, not Husband vs. Wife.

Some couples consider conflicts unresolvable and just give up. What advice do you have for couples who think they are in worse shape than most?

Three things are needed to repair a emotionally broken relationship. The will to change (will power), the knowledge to change (way power), and the ability to persevere through periods of no change (wait power). You need will power to push yourself to the next level. You have to want to do it. Way power means to know how to build healthy relationships. You need to understand the issues that you and your spouse have and heal each other to build a healthier relationship. Finally, relationships take time to change no matter how much effort you put in. That’s why you need to be able to control your emotions and persevere. You’ll get there as long as you take it slow and don’t lose patience. You’ll just fall back into your old patterns if you give up without giving your spouse enough time to change.

Is it impossible to repair a relationship if one spouse lacks the will to put the effort in?

This is actually pretty common. I tell couples like this to adopt a dual track strategy. Relationships involve two people so they’re difficult to improve with just one person putting in the work. The first track is to maintain the relationship and put all that they’ve learned into practice while the second track is to take a step back and reflect on themselves. They should run these tracks one at a time, and when they start to open up, they should focus more on track one. The most important thing is to be patient and not give up. It takes time and effort so people frequently put themselves down and hurt themselves. That’s why it’s so important to consistently take care of yourself. You need to be healthy in order to forge good relationships with others.

It’s sometimes difficult to view married couples as individuals since they’re so close. How can we achieve a balance?

There’s an experiment in childhood attachment studies where researchers observed how children reacted to unfamiliar situations. Children with a healthy attachment to their mothers would begin to explore their environment. The more anxious they were, they lower their will to explore. We can be independent when we have a stable base. That’s why we need to change the order. Individuality can only happen when we achieve togetherness.

There is a saying “It’s only a problem because we make it one.” You mentioned that cognitive restructuring is imperative for couples in crisis. Does this imply that they need to learn to not take marital conflict so much to heart?

Cognitive restructuring is a cognitive psychology concept and is one of the techniques used in couples therapy. It aims to change a person’s framework for stimulus and response. For example, let’s imagine that you’ve planned to take a weekend trip with your wife but she suddenly cancels without talking to you about it. You could get annoyed or angry. But let’s say you got a call from your friend saying “I got tickets to a baseball game. You wanna come?” And it just happens to be a game you really wanted to catch. You wouldn’t feel annoyed anymore, would you? So there are many ways to react to the same stimulus. It all depends on the framework for how you view the situation, which is why constantly checking your framework for errors helps. What do I keep thinking like this? On what basis? How solid is the evidence? Is there any evidence that points to the contrary?

There are cases where there are very real problems. How should couples with problems that are difficult to overcome by themselves approach reconciliation?

The wait power I mentioned before basically means to hold your ground. You need to learn to control your emotions. How you control your emotions determines whether or not you own them. It helps to do counter activities such as meditation to quell anxious emotions. Active sports release dopamine which can help against depression. It’s helpful to use such tools to help you manage your emotions. We all have our limits to waiting something out which is why you need a plan. You’re more likely to last longer if you distract yourself with hobbies or work. You want to redirect your mind so that you don’t get consumed with negative thoughts.

You mentioned that reminding yourself that you aren’t the only one going through a tough time greatly helps when you get impatient during couples therapy. Does this mean that it helps to know that there are other couples going through the same thing?

It might but I’m not sure how comforting it would be. But it’s extremely important to know that you’re not the only one having a hard time. This isn’t just an individual issue. It’s been less than 150 years since love has come into the equation of marriage. That’s an incredibly short time. People lived fine together without love back then but it has now become an important part of marriage. Does this mean that nothing else is important? Not exactly. Everything is important, and love is just one more thing that was added to the mix. People expect too much from marriage nowadays.

You’ve said that people nowadays are thirsting for love. What is the most important thing for a couple to maintain love in their relationship?

We all look for somewhere to lean on when we feel bad or lonely. But there are now less and less places to go for that kind of support. We used to have large social circles such as our extended family and the village community but our spouses take on much of that role in modern society. That’s why our relationships with our spouses have become so much more important than in the past. Feeling lonely in a marriage is distressing to say the least. Imagine you’re dangling from the top of a skyscraper. There’s no way you would take in the view and you wouldn’t even feel hungry. It’s only when someone plants your feet on solid ground that you would see the view in front of you and be able to feel hungry. I sometimes think that maybe all of us are dangling off the top of a building. All it takes is one person that trusts you and stands by you. Society would be a much healthier place if we all had that one person in our lives.