Do You Love as You Live?
You may associate the image of a forty year old father with the word responsibility. Imagining the heavy burden he must be carrying on his shoulders, I asked Chanhwee Park if he was happy. He answered without a moment’s hesitation. During our conversation, he not once mentioned his dedication for his family or the effort he was putting in, which was why I believed the happiness that Chanhwee Park, a father in his 40s, talked about was genuine. He shared his thoughts about the effect that individualism has on a marriage. I was wrong to assume that happiness and love could be tainted by the institution of marriage. If individualism means we can love like these people, maybe it isn’t so bad after all.
Chanhwee Park / Automobile designer / 42yrs
I wanted to get to know the person behind the camera of the beautiful pictures of the couples on the streets of Europe that are on your social media. Could you briefly introduce yourself?
Couples aren’t exactly the main objects of my photography. I just enjoy snapping moments that express emotion. I take pictures of the landscape and people of Europe, but my wife is my favorite model. She’s always by my side and she creates a beautiful shadow when the light hits her. She knows how much I love photography and her expression remains natural and comfortable no matter how much I shove the camera in her face. I guess I’m not exactly a hobby photographer since some of my photos are licensed (laughs). But I don’t take photos for a living. I’m currently working as an automobile designer in Germany. I’ve spent the last 15 years in London, Italy, and Germany and my family consists of myself, my jewelry designer wife, and my 11 year old son who loves basketball.
Your whole family went on a surfing trip. How long did you go for?
We went to Spain for a week. The Mediterranean by Spain has better waves in the fall than summer. It’s the best place to surf at this time of the year. There are less tourists in the fall so you can experience a more laid back Spain in this season. Being on holiday made me let my guard down so much that I got my 6 month old iPhone snatched at the Barcelona Museum of Contemporary Art. That hurt (laughs).
Is surfing something that your whole family enjoys?
It’s more something that I enjoy. My wife really enjoys sports though. I personally hope my son will grow up to be someone that enjoys a number of sports and I think that the best way to motivate him to learn is to lead by example, so I try to take him with me as much as I can. Wanting him to do something because I personally enjoy it or because I didn’t get a change to do it when I was younger can make it feel like I’m forcing something on him, even if it’s sports or a leisure activity. I want to be able to enjoy the sports I do with my son.
It looks like you’re current circumstances differ from those of most Korean fathers in their 30s and 40s. Did you settle in Europe after getting married?
I met my wife when I was in university in Korea and we both applied for a master’s program in London after graduating. Studying abroad together might seem romantic to some, but in reality, our honeymoon period basically consisted of school and home. Trying to keep up with the lessons without having gone through a language program was mentally and financially draining. Our innocence and curiosity as students got us through that rough period and I think I gave it my all when it came to my studies so I don’t have any regrets in that area. The time we spent depending on and helping each other in a foreign land will always remain a fond memory in my mind.
What is it like being a designer in Germany?
I got an opportunity to intern at an automobile company after graduating from grad school in London. It had always been a dream of mine so I started my first job in Turin, Italy. Europe doesn’t have a culture of inducting interns. They employ people with the qualifications they need and immediately put them to work. You’re basically thrust straight into the battlefield the moment you start working. They don’t have any special considerations for new hires or any type of training to assimilate them into the company like Korean corporations do. It was intense. But that experience led me to work for Mercedes-Benz in Germany and I’m currently working for Audi.
Germany is the automobile capital of the world. What is it like working as an automobile designer in Germany?
Before I set foot in the German corporate system, I used to think German automobile companies were all about innovative design, cutting edge technology, and outstanding leaders. But after working here for a while, I’ve come to the conclusion that their success lies in their national character, and it isn’t just limited to the automobile industry. What I mean by national character are things such as their dedication to the fundamentals, and individualism.
Germany is commonly perceived as a leader in design, but the idea that it can be attributed to individualism is quite novel.
When talking about Germany as a leader in the automobile industry, some may say it’s because of the strength of the design industry. But that is not the case at all. No organization or industry is above any other. In Germany, organizations are merely a collection of individuals. Take Audi for example. The engineers stay true to their purpose of executing the final design to perfection. If there is a 0.5mm error in calculations, they will immediately inform the designers. It will become publicized and sometimes takes months to resolve. But they don’t do this because they have a healthy respect for the design department. It’s more like they’re passing the buck. They pass the responsibility back to the designers while simultaneously washing their hands of any other problems that may occur due to the error. Everyone operates under the fundamental principle that you get what you need to get done without stepping on anybody else’s territory. It may be inconvenient at times, but I think this kind of rational individualism is the driver of the German automobile industry.
Individualism can seem prickly or even selfish in a world that values community and connection. Do you think we need more individualism in our lives?
This is a little off topic but you can learn a lot about a country’s society and culture by looking at the language the people of that country often use. The same goes for Korea. “My grandmother raised me” is one such example. Most Koreans express themselves in the passive tense when talking about their upbringing. I don’t grow, I’m raised. Another common phrase is “What do your parents do?” It blatantly displays our belief that knowing the parent is equal to knowing the child. In other words, the individual becomes an incomplete entity in itself. Individualism ties into self-esteem. I believe that people who are able to trust and respect themselves without being swayed by others can become healthy individualists.
Now that I think about it, I think I use the expression that I raise my child too. Do you think this kind of passive language makes it more difficult for us to become independent from our parents?
To some extent, yes. An adult that hasn’t completely become independent from their parents cares a lot about what their parents think when it comes to deciding their university or job. The same goes for the person they fall in love with or marry. We have a culture where we introduce our partner to our parents and get permission to marry them. On the other hand, the term “I was raised” is rarely used in the U.S. or in Europe. It is easier for people who grew up by and for themselves to become independent from their parents. And they live for themselves and no one else. They consider their needs first which is why they aren’t sacrificial when it comes to their children either. There is no excessive competition nor exhausting comparisons. I think there is a need to talk about how the individual sees themselves before we talk about the relationship between parents and children and spouses. Married men even joke about how marriage is like digging your own grave.
Do you have any advice for people who are unhappy in their marriage?
I go to Korea a few times a year and I sometimes feel frustrated when I meet up with my friends. They all seem concerned about pretty much the same things. They complain about working too much, about their children’s schools and private education, about the size of their house and savings, and about their relationship with their in-laws. It makes me not want to come back. My happiness is a personal problem. It can’t be a societal, familial, or organizational problem. Of course, I think Korean society has its fair share of structural and institutional problems but a lot of those issues stem from caring too much about what other people think. I think that individualism influences the degree of happiness a person feels. There won’t be a need to talk about private education, work, holiday blues, and the size of the neighbor’s house if we place more importance on the individuals themselves. That way, we can focus more on the things that actually matter. Marriage does not signal the end of your life. It can be the beginning of a richer, more amazing world. If you’re currently not happy with your marriage, I doubt it’s because of the institution of marriage itself. Instead of giving up and saying that your life is over because you’re married, try spending some time to think about what truly makes you happy.
I remember seeing an elderly couple dressed to the nines walking around an art gallery together while I was in holiday in France and thinking how nice it would be if I could age like that .You don’t really see anything like that in our parent’s generation.
I think Koreans are extremely affectionate and passionate. I don’t think we lack love for each other or our spouses. But I think the reason why they grow apart and begin to resent each other as the marriage progresses is because of the sacrifices they make in the name of love. We take it for granted that sacrifices have to be made between parents and children and even spouses. Some romantics may be uncomfortable with this seemingly cold, realistic interpretation of the metaphysical term that is marital love, but excessive sacrifice and effort isn’t a good way to maintain a loving relationship either.
Do you think the absence of effort and sacrifice is the secret to maintaining a romantic married relationship?
If we can agree that love is the basis of romantic relationships, the individual’s emotions and thoughts should be the most important factor when it comes to love. The same goes for after a couple gets married. You have to love yourself first and then move on to respecting your partner for who they are. You’re going to spend the rest of your life with this person as family, so there is a need to actively protect your territory if you’re going to spend all that time happily loving each other. The key might lie in the individual’s happiness and emotions rather than the relationships within the family itself.
How do you resolve conflicts with your wife?
Conflict and crises are relative, so something that may be a trivial matter to some might be a deeply troubling matter that threatens the relationship to another. For example, people who aren’t bothered about other people’s character traits probably don’t encounter much conflict at all. Conflict is actually a natural part of my marriage. We usually argue over little things and one thing I’ve mastered is to apologize swiftly and easily (laughs). We usually just bicker and leave it at that. I think it’s good that we’re still able to be honest with each other with even the pettiest feelings though (laughs). Because we live abroad, we tend to have in depth conversations about even the smallest things. I’m grateful that these conversations have helped us to overcome our difficulties with relative ease.
I think I should hear what your wife has to say about your conflicts too (laughs).
I asked my wife if she wanted to join me in an interview about marital crisis and she immediately replied that she was busy (laughs).
What are some things you do to keep the romance alive?
I think working towards maintaining a relationship is something that insurance agents do. If we love each other, shouldn’t I be enough? I’m afraid putting in effort into our relationship isn’t my job. I don’t try for my wife. Or rather, I won’t. I believe we’re standing and existing in this moment in time together as lovers and as friends. I’m going to be angry when I’m angry and apologize when I feel sorry. I think that love has the power to naturally lead us into a happy and loving relationship without us having to try. I hope we never have to end up walking on eggshells in an effort to repair our relationship. If there ever comes a time when we both need to put any effort into the relationship, I think I may come to the conclusion that it’s time to lay this love down.
Do you think your parents influenced your idea of family?
I know they did and I’m eternally grateful. It’s incredibly encouraging to know that I have parents who are still chasing their dreams and that I can go to for advice when I run into any difficulties. My parents also fight constantly even though they’ve been together for decades (laughs).
Your father was also an automobile designer.
My father was the first generation of automobile designers in Korea. He contributed greatly to helping design take root in a then industrial Korea. He is still chasing his passion even after retiring by opening the FOMA Automobile Design Museum in Gyeonggido Goyangsi. I dreamed of becoming a designer while watching my father sketch when I was young. I think my my father was the one who taught me how to use pictures to fill blank pages with my thoughts.
What is the most important thing in your life right now?
I still ask myself every day “Who am I?” I also try to stay curious about many different things. I stay true to myself by reading, listening to music, and engaging in various hobbies and experiences. I’ve never aimed to be a good husband or father. Chanhwee Park, that’s who I want to be. I don’t think I’d feel like myself if I were to carry out the roles of different personas such as a father, a son, and a husband. Even if fulfilling my roles as those personas was the secret to making the family that I love happy, I may end up being miserable. I think the area where I need to be dedicated in fulfilling my role will be in my life long pursuit of being a designer. That in itself is struggle enough.
Conducting this interview has made me think that finding myself should come before the discussion about marital love. Finally, what kind of father do you want to become?
I think experience is what a child needs most. That’s why I try to share as many experiences with my son as I can. Children won’t be able to identify the variety in life if they lack experience, nor will they be able to have courage or take ownership of their lives. I think my role is to open my child’s eyes to all the options he has. My only hope is that he grows into an adult that has the courage to step out into the the world with clear, unbiased eyes. I believe that as long as I live a truthful and passionate life, my child will naturally follow suit.
