Figuring Out Our Marital Coordinates

Families have a life cycle just like any living organism. We consulted Shindi school about the five stages of the family life cycle: Independence, Formation, Expansion, Downscaling, and the Post Parent Period. Where do you find yourself on the cycle right now?

01 Independence

A period when you declare healthy independence from your family right before marriage. How emotionally, socially, and financially independent you are from your parents at this stage will determine what your life will be like after marriage, which is why it is important to achieve healthy independence from your family during this period of time. It’s also a time where excitement and confusion coexist in your relationship with your partner as you are bombarded with decisions regarding marriage. This becomes the first step to your married life and it’s when both you and your partner need to fully acknowledge the responsibilities of marriage.

Conflicts
Mental independence is as important as financial independence. The common conflicts that arise from not being able to make your own decisions and relying on your parents for answers are conflicts regarding the in-laws. Involving your family in your relationship opens up the possibility of your conflicts spreading to the rest of the family. Therefore, both you and your spouse need to completely step out of your parent’s shadows and make decisions for yourselves. People who use marriage as an escape will not have properly dealt with the issues that need to be dealt with at this stage. In this case, you must take the time to sit down with your spouse and evaluate your level of independence.

Solution
The most important decisions to be made at this stage is that of your career and finding your identity. It’s also important to form good relationships with the new members of your family; your in-laws.

02 Formation

It’s a time when you’re the closest with your spouse as you build your new family and you’re also getting used to the new family members that come with your spouse. You also need to get used to your new living environment since you and your spouse have different lifestyles and habits, and this will require mutual understanding and consideration. You need to carve out time to talk to your spouse in order to foster mutual, balanced communication and it’s helpful to establish a communication pattern you can use when you encounter conflict. This stage forms the foundation of your relationship so you need to make sure that your spouse is your primary object of attachment and vice versa.

Conflict
The probability of conflict increases as this is a period when two people from different backgrounds learn to compromise and live together. Misunderstandings can arise when expectations are not communicated clearly. You will need to fine tune the mechanics of being together yet apart, but the most important thing will be developing your sense of empathy. It’s also important to establish your family centric values.

Solution
First, you need to throw out your unrealistic expectations of marriage and adopt realistic ones. You’ll also need to come up with basic rules for your family. Communicate regularly so that you can get used to your partner’s personality and habits and come to an agreement on financial issues such as saving and spending. You can better understand each other’s expectations by just dividing the housework and coming up with a few house rules. Long-term planning for things such as children and housing is also a good exercise to get to know each other more.

03 Expansion

This stage is also called the parent incubation stage. It signals the birth of a new family and you begin to become aware of the change in your family structure. You need to be thoroughly prepared to raise a child and there needs to be equal division of household labor. You’re about to enter a completely new world and you will sacrifice greatly for your child. The expansion stage can be tough even for couples who made it through the independence and formation stages with grace. Therefore, couples must strive to understand the physical and emotional stress that their spouse is under. The expansion stage, which includes the childrearing and teenage children stage, is the most difficult stage of the family life cycle. Therefore, you will need to develop your ability to view childrearing issues from a long-term perspective.

Conflict
The birth and raising of your child gives you great joy but is also accompanied by a slew of negative emotions such as loneliness, anxiety, depression, fear, and nervousness. Both the husband and wife are susceptible to various degrees of depression during pregnancy, the post-partum period, and menopause, and from overworking. Depression is to be treated as a family issue and not just an individual affair as its effects can spread to the other members of the family.

Solution
You need to accept that it takes time to get good at something. It isn’t only children that grow. We are all growing as parents, partners, and individuals. The first thing you should do is to make sure that the household chores and childcare responsibilities are evenly distributed between both partners, and that each person has enough time for themselves. It’s helpful to get family counseling if the depression is severe.

04 Downscaling

The child independence stage is the period when your children start to become more independent. First, the downscaling stage begins when your child moves out of your house. It is imperative that you have developed an adult to adult relationship with your child at this point. You are also likely to experience the death of your parents or grandparents. This period will require a high level of interaction between you and your spouse and you may also feel compassion for them. You will return to a two person structure and you may feel a sense of helplessness and depression depending on how well or poorly you adjust to this change.

Conflict
Empty Nest Syndrome refers to the sadness, loneliness, and loss that parents experience when their children move out of their house. They usually feel helpless and depressed and sometimes feel like they’ve lost all purpose in life. It usually hits mothers harder since they are usually the primary caregiver, and fathers sometimes feel guilty about not having spent more times with their children while they were still around. The most common symptoms are suddenly bursting into tears, having difficulty functioning, and avoiding personal relationships.

Solution
There has been research suggests that the anticipation of the children moving out could trigger more fear than the actual event itself. You need to accept how much of a blessing it is for your child to be able to be truly become independent and prepare yourself for the emotional changes. There are also many cases where marital relationship have improved after the children move out as the couple gets to spend more time together. I want to recommend traveling or enjoying a hobby together with your spouse, even though it may be difficult because of how low you may be feeling. You will also need to spend time assigning value to yourself aside from being a parent. This stage includes retirement and old age. You will experience changes in your physical and mental abilities and financial and social status.

05 Post-parent stage

It’s time to break free from the responsibilities of childrearing and reap the fruits of your labor. Your quality of life in this stage is commonly determined by how well you adjust to the changes in the beginning of this stage and how well you’ve taken care of your health up to this point. Adjusting well to the changes in this stage will allow you to smoothly transition into old age. But you may have a harder time if you don’t have an adequate support system or if you experience financial difficulty.

Conflict
You can easily see cases of fathers who wander around not knowing what to do with all their time after they retire. There may also be a slight increase in marital conflict as you spend more time at home. It’s extremely important to take care of your health as it’s easy to experience physical difficulty and be exposed to illness in your later years. You should prepare for the death of your spouse, siblings, and friends as well as your own.

Solution
It’s important to continue to have interests that will fill your later years as well as take care of your health. You can give moral support to your grown children and their families as well as keep depression at bay through personal achievements. Enjoy growing old with your spouse, but you will also need to prepare ahead of time so you can adjust to being alone. Rather than sexual intimacy, the emotional connection and mutual respect you have for each other is the secret to a happy relationship in this stage.