How to Survive Your 40’s
Do you feel you are different before and after your 40’s? Find out what a psychiatrist tells you about how to study your emotions in the middle age — the inflection point of your life.
Men die early if they live alone. A man who lives by himself has a high possibility of having cardiovascular disease because his loneliness could become stress and damage his blood vessels. Life expectance of a man who lives alone is shorter than that of a man who lives with a partner. What is worse, a man who lives alone has a high possibility of committing suicide. However, it is opposite for women. A woman who lives by herself after her middle age is highly satisfied with her life and is healthier than a woman who lives with a partner. It is not based on my personal clinical experience but proven by numerous study results up to today.
So if you are a man, you will have a better chance of survival when you stick to your family like wet leaves as you grow old. Even if your wife try hard to shake off the wet leaves, you must do your best not to fall out to live long and healthy. You should not regard yourself weak because you need to depend on your wife. It is only a desperate means of survival.
Your life is full of stress. Trying to get by another day is a stress. The most effective stress reliever is you being taken care of by someone. If you feel that you are in good hands, your brain will release more oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone that prevents the negative effects from stress. It lowers your blood sugar level and makes your heart healthy. That is why it is conceived as one of the most critical elements of developing a new anti-depressant. Oxytocin has greater effects on men than women. It curves the aggressiveness and improves empathy of the men. Then how can you increase these positive effects of Oxytocin? The answer is simple. You need to have more physical touch with your wife.
I hear different complaints during the sessions. A husband would complain, “I hate my wife. How can she not understand what I am going through?” and a wife would complain, “My husband is nothing better than a stranger. He is just a guest living under the same roof.” Different couples have different issues but I often make the following suggestion: “Hold hands while sleeping even if you hate each other,” because if you keep your bodies close, they will no matter what release oxytocin. There is a method of psychotherapy for married couples called ‘Act Like You Love Each Other.’ The principle of this method is that if you make efforts to behave like you love each other, you can solve problems and grow love back. It is another way of ‘Holding Hands Even If You Hate Each Other.’
You need to be cool-headed to succeed in the Korean society. You need to suppress your emotions if you want to be the winner over a bloody competition. The moment you show your weakness, you could easily end up being eaten by your competitor. Who will like you if you are depressed at work? The society is more aware of mental fitness these days, however, you would not dare to tell anyone that you are going through an emotional breakdown at work, because if you are recognized as someone with problems, you might lose your job. Or you could be overconfident and think like this, “Hey, I’m over forty… I’ve been working for more than two decades. I had my ups and downs. I know how to control my emotions.” Nevertheless, the more you try to control your emotion, the worse it becomes: your depression evolves into anger, sadness evolves into irritation, and anxiety evolves into hatred. Your emotions cannot be controlled by your wills.
I am a professional psychiatrist. 70% of my patients are women, particularly married women in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s. Is it because women are more mentally vulnerable than men? Absolutely not. Women are better at communication and show the attitude to solve issues through active communication. Consulting is a way of finding solution by studying the minds of the patients and translating them into words. Consulting is a form of communication. However, men are different. They tend to avoid their emotions. It is never their choice to solve couple issues through communication. They lack the ability or hate to share their feelings with others. Even the men who are forced to join the session with their wives, often end up saying nothing, or sometimes blame their wives and justify themselves.
I frequently encounter with married women who are suffering from depression or alcohol dependence and the following is their common complaint: “I wish my husband actually listens to me and communicate with me. Our kids will leave us one day when they grow up, then wouldn’t it be the most important thing to relate to each other and live happily ever after? Being rich wouldn’t make me happy. I just want to be able to share my feelings with my husband. Only then I would feel content.” In a word, the absence of communication and empathy made her mentally ill.
Here is another common complaint: “Could you talk to my husband and ask him what he wants?” I feel truly sorry for them. I cannot imagine what they have been going through. There is only one explanation to this conflict. The wife must have tried to talk to her husband over and over again, but her husband must have avoided her or acted on his defense. We define it as request-avoid pattern of communication. This is the worst form of communication, which could lead to divorce. It is better to spit it out.
Then, what goes on in the minds of quiet men? In most cases, one of the following three: i) “You are angry. Yeah, me, too,” ii) “Leave me alone. I am not in the mood to talk,” or iii) “I know this is my fault but don’t want to admit it. And that was your fault.” In other words, silence is an expression of anger, rejection and defense — showing they are not willing to admit their faults. This kind of avoidance and rejection of emotional issues will create bigger issues. Your emotions have their role to play, but if you keep suppressing them, you are distorting their unique messages.
For instance, a man was worried about early retirement because he has not been promoted for long due to his poor performance. Instead of telling his wife what he actually feels — which is “I have concerns over my job lately. I am helpless,” — he screamed at her saying, “I am already overwhelmed at work and you are pushing my buttons,” — anxiety shifting its form to anger. Another middle-aged man was sad that his family did not recognize his hard work and constantly mumbled, “I want to live in the mountains all by myself.” What he actually desired was the affection and attention from his family, but instead he avoided his feelings by telling himself that he would be happy to be alone. Another man failed to admit his real desire — which is “I am lonely because my wife doesn’t seem to get me,” — and interpreted it all wrong with a conclusion like “I want to have a drink tonight.” These are all symptoms of the emotional dyslexia — the inability to read and express one’s emotions correctly.
Do not scream at your partner to express your anger. You should learn to express your emotions by telling your partner “My feelings are hurt because of what you just said.” If you see the sign that you are drifting apart, you first need to understand the feelings deep down inside you. Never say “I am upset because of you. You don’t care. You are selfish,” but say “I know there is something going on with you. I want you to tell me what it is,” and listen to what your partner has to say. If you have already concluded that your partner is the bad one, then try asking yourself the following question: “Why is my reasonable and polite wife acting this way?” Your conclusion of bad person is based on your emotional judgement, not an objective fact.
Build a habit of expressing your emotions in words. You can easily start with making simple comments like “It is good to have some autumn breeze,” or “I love the blue sky,” which is fine, or “The sunset is beautiful,” which is excellent if you are not used to reveal your emotions. “I am hungry. Where is my dinner?” if it was the first thing you have been saying to your wife when you get home from work, add a few lines like “The meal is so delicious. It must be made of your love,” and it will be perfect. When you are depressed, stop calling your friends to have a drink. You need to change your habit. What about this? “I should take my wife out to dinner tonight.”
There is no way you can tell if your partner is truly in love with you or show that your love for your partner is true because love takes no form. You cannot visualize the very existence or the level of love of yours or your partner’s. We can only guess at best. Accordingly, although it may be indirect, putting it into words is the most powerful way you can prove your love. If you do not say it out loud, there is no love. Unless you can show your love by expressing it, your love is as good as nothing because there is no way for your partner to be sure of your love.
