I’m Still in Puberty
I’m still in puberty as I live this discovery stage of distinguishing my reality and my dream, building my relationship with family, and being a man versus a father.
The Weight of Responsibility
Shortly after graduating college, I got married and enrolled into graduate school, which made it difficult to be financially independent. I hadn’t thought about plans beyond graduate school. But our parents started asking for grandchildren. I was just focused on my studies and my wife had a full-time job. Eventually we had our first child after 4 years of marriage. I thought having a child was just the next step for every married couple. But when I held the child in my arms, I realized having a child is way beyond just being a father. I had to start working to earn money so I didn’t get to finish my graduate program. Sometimes I wish I were more gifted in studying, more diligent, or that graduate programs had paternity leaves. I could’ve taken time off, but my program was so intense, raising a child didn’t seem like an acceptable reason to do so. A colleague of mine who majored in Vocal Music faced a far more serious situation. Her vocal cord muscles were damaged during a C-section. It was our decision to have a child, so it’s our responsibility. But we weren’t aware of the weight of our decisions before the child was born. We didn’t know the weight of the responsibilities of raising a child. Shortly after, our parents started asking for a second child. We didn’t have plans for a second child, but it made us sad when we saw other children playing with their siblings while our child didn’t. So despite the burden we felt, we had our second child, who is now a little over 3 months old, in hopes that having a second child would be easier since we had experience with the first child.
I Can’t Give Up
I feel like I need to choose whether to be a responsible father earning money or pursue my personal dreams in academia. But Joong Sub Lee didn’t give up on being a father or an artist. He desperately created art pieces in order to see his wife and two children in Japan, which explains why a lot of his work has drawings of his children. One common theme in his work is a crab trying to grab a child’s penis. There are many different interpretations of this, some say that it’s an expression of his mother’s desire for a phallus because his dad passed away before he was born, some say he wanted to express a castration threat to his two boys who were with his wife. I personally think it expresses self-castration due to insecurity because he wasn’t able to fulfill his duties as a head of the household. I can relate to this fear. It wasn’t easy to give up on my graduate degree, but I didn’t want my children to experience the same trauma I experienced when my dad’s business went bankrupt. For some reason though, I’m not able to give up on it entirely. Even though it’s been years, I still dream about being back in school. My heart starts racing when I congratulate my friends who achieved their graduate degrees. I’m still young, right? Maybe I still have a chance? Did I give up too easily? But when I told my parents about a good graduate program opportunity, they told me to ‘act like an adult with two children.’ If puberty is the awkward stage between a boy and a man, I feel like being a father is an awkward stage between being a man and a father, a transient period of following the dream and living the reality. Life itself feels like puberty where we’re constantly trying to figure out what to let go of and what to hold on to in the midst of uncertainty.
It’s Still Spring
“Cherry blossoms don’t necessarily need to fully bloom in order to be beautiful. Cherry blossoms are perfect the way they are even before cross pollination and even if they don’t fully bloom.” — Natalie Knapp, <Philosophy of Uncertain Days>
In Chinese, the word ‘puberty’ includes the meaning of ‘spring,’ This isn’t a coincidence. Spring is not harvest season; it’s a season for flowers to bloom before bearing fruit. There’s no guarantee that there will be a harvest, but spring expects, awaits, and hopes for the fruit. So puberty can be defined as a season where we think about Spring, a season of discovery and hope rather than the fruit and the harvest.
“I put a foot in the air, and it holds me.” As poet Hilde Domin quoted, the only fact we are sure of is that there is air beneath our feet. Everyday holds uncertainty. I thought I’d know everything when I grew up to be an adult, but that’s not the case. I still don’t know what my future holds and I still don’t know if I’ll be successful. Cherry blossoms are more beautiful than cherries. The process is more beautiful than the result and sometimes in the end, the transition period is more beautiful. That doesn’t mean I’ll always be happy during the process. I’m still in puberty as I live this discovery stage of distinguishing my reality and my dream, building my relationship with family, and being a man versus a father. But I will overcome my fears with the hope that Spring carries. Even if I fail to bear fruit, even if I can’t earn a graduate degree, even if I feel like a failure as a head of the household, I will never give up on my dreams.
Words Youngmin Kwon
After majoring western philosophy at Seoul University, he conducts lectures and runs a community called ‘True Colors of Philosophy’ devoted to studying philosophy. He wrote a book called <A Philosopher Dad’s Guide to Raising Kids> which recounts his experience in raising his son Seonjae while his wife went abroad to pursue her lifelong dream of studying music. The birth of his second child Seonyul, who’s 6 years younger than his first, has thrust him back into the world of child rearing but he is determined to live life to the fullest raising his two kids.
